Friendship Skills For People Who Didn't Learn This At Home

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If you grew up in a dysfunctional family (especially if your parents didn't have strong social skills) there’s a high probability that finding good friends and developing close friendships has been hard for you. The lack of good friends can devastate your life over time: You end up isolated, lonely and vulnerable. Having people who love you and “get” you is a factor in your physical and mental health. Not having friends is a big setback, and if this has been a struggle in the past, you've been robbed you of the life you deserve in some ways already. In this video I break down, step by step, actions you can take to find better friends and sustain more fulfilling friendships over time.

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[catherinem]

This was soooo helpful. I wrote down 3 pages of notes, so I can read over it and look for ways to practice these skills. Thank you so much.

[michelepascoe]

1. Pick the right people (write a list of qualities that are important to you in a friendship, and qualities you do not want.)
2. Be a good listener. (Don't relate everything back to yourself. Only listen for 30 minutes or only say something about what they're saying. Don't give unsolicited advice. Can compliment them, but not too much and keep it clean, not comparing yourself negatively so they have to say something about you.)
3. Follow up on anything important they share. See how they're doing in a while.
4. Believe in your friend and notice their potential and good qualities. We all have self-doubt and you can encourage them in those moments.
5. Show up for the hard stuff. Help them move house; give them a ride to the airport; sit with them while they grieve, etc.
6. Don't talk about them behind their back. Don't say anything you wouldn't say in their presence. Protect their identity.
7. Stay in touch with them.

[pt]

Anna, I tried your social experiment. I went to a party and decided to not talk about myself at all. Someone did asked about me and I answered briefly. I think friendship is very nuanced and hard to sustain. Parties are not a place one make friends. I also think our modern living, especially in the US is not conducive to making friends. People do have a hard time listen. Even if you do listen to everyone and are attentive, others are not reciprocal. I noticed that at the party. It is a very polite and superficial. It’s like we are all robots doing the same things. There’s something very disconnecting about it.

[jadegreen]

“Who didn’t learn this at home” great title. Such a crucial topic. May this video blow up and go viral bc it is so crucial for so many people who don’t intercept these videos…

[cherylwilliams]

Somehow, at the age of 13, I figured out that most people like to talk, and few like to listen, and I became a good listener, being attentive, asking follow-up questions etc - and it does seem to attract people. Ironically I was drawn to watch this video, because I feel like I don't know how to make true friends. I've become such a good listener over all these years (I'm middle-aged now), that I inevitably end up being a "listening post" for most people. Your experience at the party in which no one asked you one question about yourself is my life. Whenever I do take the floor, and see the other's eyes glaze over - or see them look past me at something over my shoulder (and not paying attention) - I immediately lose interest in talking. All this to say that, though I get invited places, and people "seem" to like me, it has slowly dawned on me that they're not necessarily interested in me - and I need to change my ways if I ever hope to make real friends.

[breal]

Hey! I CAN be a good friend! I've been painfully aware of my lackluster friendship skills but just the other day my neighbor told me she was dreading taking her cat to the vet because her cat is a drama queen. I asked her "Would it help if I go with you?" She was delighted I offered and the whole experience turned out to be a positive one. I'm glad I'm getting better at this business of making friends because life without friends is very lonely. I'll practice listening more. Thanks!

[handsanitiser]

Friends are people you choose to have in your life. They add to a balanced life, and allow us to grow and learn. Quality friendships require disclosure and depth-not an easy task, especially for the traumatized!

[vickyd]

There are two kinds of people I naturally avoid: those who only talk about themselves and those who only ask me questions and don't reveal anything about themselves. I don't like to talk about myself and was told that others don't trust people who are hard to know - can't disagree!
Friendship is a balanced relationship where both sides give and receive depending on actual needs and life situations.

[lpetitoiseau]

I remember my momma’s advice about making friends as an adult. Volunteer. Pick an area YOU like. I love dogs so after a divorce and a company transfer/relocation, I volunteered to walk shelter dogs in the new city. Still have those girlfriends even after 30 years.

[Sabrin_Elan]

Maybe its just me....I definitely suffered complex childhood trauma. I studied neuroscience - learned about abhorrent psychology - identified issues in myself and my family of origin. However, I feel like after doing all of this deep dive into psychology and learning to be present, learning to go deep, learning intimacy, it feels like most of the society is just shallow and not even worth it? People seemed to "remember" me when I was on social media. I don't use social media and don't want to but I notice that because I don't, people literally forget who I am. But if I was on their "stories" or "tl" maybe their attention span could afford to remember me. Idk. The world just seems too busy on the rat wheel, consuming media and trying to pay bills to invest in new people. People surely do remember me when they need help or guidance tho.

[akferren]

I’ve never had trouble making friends as many people have told me “I feel like I can tell you anything” .. I just don’t have it in me to keep people around. I always keep one foot out of any relationship is case I need to jet

[BohoDevi]

Had a tough time finding friends and also recognising what and who qualities for a good friend. After a lot of hurt pain and bitter lessons I have learnt how to distinguish between soul friends and fair weather friends. This video is a gem for me.

[RachelFayLovelyDay]

After I was diagnosed with cancer - just before everything was locked down with Covid - I discovered who my friends weren't. Literally two people asked me how I was doing during all the months of isolation. The rest of them had no idea if I was alive or dead, and presumably didn't care either way. Two years later I did hear from one of my former so called friends. She texted me to ask me if I would help her with something she was struggling with. I politely declined and blocked her.

[pinkcichlid]

Quite honestly if you can actively listen to someone for 30mins, you’re most likely already one of their favourite people on earth 🙂

[johnbrenner]

The tough thing is that I've always ALWAYS felt threatened by good, healthy people, with very few exceptions. I'm in a 15 year drought finding deep connection and trust in friendship. I've been alone for so long I get very nervous around men in my season of life. I have great understanding as to the roots of this panic and maimed psyche but it's there, hard to feel different to give myself a chance at feeling healthy around potential friends

[IreneBeauville]

I like when it comes naturally. Not forcing anything anymore.

[retta]

I have such a hard time NOT giving unsolicited advice, especially about health, since I know a lot about it! I just want to help people! But I do realize most people don't want advice.

[mtc-ji]

This message came just in time 😂 I needed a sign. I met up with a couple acquaintances. One lady chattered away nonstop about random topics that interested no one else at the table. It was strange because we had plenty of topics in common based on our previous exchanges…so why did she select THESE today at our first meeting as a group?!?! I was both annoyed and perplexed, but I stayed engaged and polite. The other lady had annoyed body language. At one point I used a break in the convo to ask the annoyed one a question, and then she took over. No one asked me a single question!!! But I listened to people go on and on about themselves. A couple times I interjected just go get a word in, but I would get talked over or feel rude because I would have had to be the one to talk over others. So I gave up.

I don’t think I would like to meet up again. It feels weird to waste your day with people who love to talk about themselves. They know nothing about me, and I got nothing out of it except for stories about people I’ll never meet. 🤷🏽‍♀️ they could insert literally anyone in my seat next time, and get the same result.

People, if you find yourself monologuing in excruciating detail about people your interlocutor will never ever meet….or about topics they’ve already politely told you they know nothing about…even though you think they look fascinated to hear all about it….stop, drop it, and ask them a question. Or they won’t want to see you again.

[briarrose]

Thank you so much for this. Friendship has been hard for me. I have a few close friends since adolescence. It’s hard to make friends in older age (I’m 73). I’ve “broken up” with several friends in the last ten years or do: one was seriously mentally ill; one was controlling and judgmental; one became radically politically extreme. One, a lifelong friend, was too self-absorbed and mean. Did each of them always have these characteristics and I just never noticed? All these friendships taught me something. I’ve recently become part of a warm, welcoming dance community. I’ve been gradually becoming part of an inner circle of longtime friends. But I’m wary because I don’t trust my own judgment. I’ve been dancing with these people for about a year. I’ve never heard any of them say mean things about other people. That’s a good sign. I’m happy that I’m still learning and growing as a person. I have no family relationships, so friendship is very important to me.

[idee]

I realized from this video that I ended friendship with people who were true friends and am still hanging with people who did not show up for me when I was going through a tragedy