Separating Asexual Feelings from Purity Culture

Not long ago, I saw a tweet about how being asexual can feel like "living a purity culture life despite not having those values" before you know what asexuality is. As an ace who grew up in a small town where purity culture was prevalent, and who didn't know the word for my orientation until my mid-20s, I found this tweet extremely relatable. So join me for a discussion about the kinds of problems purity culture can cause for aces, and how we can learn to separate our asexual feelings from purity culture's expectations.

(Warning: this video contains discussion of sexual assault and rape from 10:38 - 12:59, in the context of how purity culture often goes hand-in-hand with consent issues and how that can harm aces in particular.)

If you have any questions or thoughts to share, I would love to hear from you in the comments. Most social media algorithms are notoriously unfriendly to queer content, so if you could please like, subscribe, and share this video with anyone who would be interested, I would super appreciate it. :)

Music used in this video:
Campfire by RetroVision from @NoCopyrightSounds

You can find me on other social media at @gckinsey

#asexual #ace #purityculture #queer #lgbtq #education

[elinwestoo]

I’m so happy you’re talking about this! I’ve been asked to write about asexuality and aromanticism and purity culture, but I need to take my time because these things are so easily confused. 🤨

Growing up in the evangelical church in Sweden I was in Christian communities where purity culture was an ideal. I’ve never felt comfortable with it but was so confused myself of my own experiences, and I hated to be interpreted that way if anyone “found out” about me. I’m also aegosexual so that confused things even more for me.

I was also feeling a lot of shame when becoming an adult on the inside, because purity culture is not with asexuality as a norm and ideal but with heteronormativity (a very narrow way of being hetero). So you still feel that pressure. And also of course by the pressure of the allo society.

I’m so glad you talked about the problem with consent in purity culture and the queer phobia and the lack of good sex ed with prevents aces (and aros) to realize their orientation, and when you said that I also was reminded of that trans aspec people are (again) even more vulnerable.

So thanks so much for this! Gave me a lot of confidence to try to write about this myself.

[kzisnbkosplay]

When I was younger, I didn't have any contact with purity culture, but I grew up with melodrama. the pure, innocent heroine was always someone I identified with, as well as Disney princesses. By high school, my BF dumped me because I told him I wanted to wait a few years. The word 'prude' was used to describe me, and I knew it was supposed to be an insult, but I kinda identified with it, but I was still OK with others doing things, so it never fit as a label.

[mollyep]

Definitely had that "i'm so good at this" feeling with regards to purity culture growing up haha dont have to suppress what you dont feel in the first place. In fact i remember as a middle schooler going to my weekly catechism, i would daydream about becoming a nun despite not being that religious. The lifestyle (or at least what i imagined it to be, i.e., reading, quiet introspection, hanging with the girlies) was very appealing to me. I figured it was simply my calling given how uninterested i was in sex and dating.

Kids, if you lack any religious fervor but you still find it easier to envision yourself as a nun/priest than to imagine yourself in a relationship, you might be aspec lmao

[SchizoKitzo]

Looking back on it, I should have realized something was up when my boyfriend wanted to sleep with me after marriage and really struggled with urges but I just didn’t. 😂

Literally I’m like going through Christian sex Ed going “why y’all find this so difficult”

Great video GC! I loved the text on the screen in this vid, helps with digesting the information!

[ladygrey]

The thing about purity culture and a sexuality is people only approve of our behavior until we’re adults then it’s “why haven’t you settled yet?” Or “are you thinking about the religious life?” Like becoming a priest or nun.

[Haferkoko]

I grew up with catholic Christians but nobody took purity culture serious, in fact they laughed about it and people who participated in it.
To this I say: To each their own. But remember to do what makes you happy, not miserable.
That said, I have a friend who did the whole wait-until-marriage thing. She married and had a kid. Not much later, she got divorce and has been dating people on and off. She's very dear to me, I have known her almost all my life, and I wish her happiness.
I myself have been an atheist all my life, despite being forced into participating in religion. But I prefer it this way. I don't mind people being religious as long as they don't try to force me or other people into following their rules. Being an atheist doesn't make you a morally wrong person. I have my very own set of rules to follow and be at peace with life around me.