Am I An Idiot For Staying With My Addicted/Alcoholic Spouse?

This framework will help you decide whether or not you should stay (or leave) your addicted spouse.

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[magpackdoggos]

That’s my main conflict: have I done everything I possibly can before I decide to leave?

[larry]

Run run run. You cant save him but you must save yourself

[Hello-mhpj]

My alcoholic ex went on a “bender” two days before Christmas. We’ve only been together for a year. I’m done. The anxiety of wondering what state he’ll be in every time we meet is too much. He’s in denial he’s an alcoholic. He lets people down all the time. I feel sorry for his children. I feel like a weights been lifted from me.

[StellaM]

Yes. The answer is yes. Im 13 years down and nothings changed. Run!

[gabybop]

I feel like a complete naive fool for staying with mine. Recently we had a month or so of absolute peace and bliss in our marriage (5 years) of him being sober. But now he’s drinking again. He knows it’s a problem, but he’s doing nothing about it, he even justifies it by stating the month or so of being sober. It’s getting to be the worst it’s ever been. I want to leave. Truly. But I also love him, know he’s a good person, and see so much potential in him. It all makes me wish I could just disappear sometimes.

[nicoleevaherbst]

My boyfriend of 2 years had a drinking problem before meeting me but he dialed it back while we were dating. However, it didnt escape my attention that every date we went on he had at least two beers. We moved in together pretty quickly (he was pushing for it) and once the honeymoon stage started feathering away he was hanging out at the local bar and bringing home a six pack almost every night. Still I did not recogize there was a problem brewing I just thought he was having a difficult time letting go of his bar fly lifestyle from his 20s.
We broke up after a year mostly due to his drinking. I moved back in with my family thankfully they lived nearby. We decided to get back together after he blew a bunch of romantic happy smoke up my arse and made promises he would reevaluate his relationship with alcohol and his drunken family. We were supposed to move back in this summer but his drinking just got worse. He graduated from a six pack to a bottle of whiskey and began engaging in risky behaviors such as drunk driving, not to mention placing me in negligent situations due to his lapses in judgement. Finally broke things off and walking away!

[fatmanoutdoors]

Yes and no.

My wife stuck by me and eventually gave me an ultimatum. After she stood by me for years i had to do right by her so i got sober. I appreciate her more than i probably normally would have knowing what she went through for me.

However, looking back, i would not have blamed her for leaving me. Im a functioning alcoholic, so i was always there and never missed work, i made good money and paid for her to go to college....but i wasnt really there....if that makes sense.

[brendangallagher]

I got sober when I hit that crossroad in my relationship with my wife. Where I had two choices. I could keep drinking and risk losing everything, or I could choose life/sobriety and my wife. Well, I love my wife more then I could ever love an addiction. In fact, I hate my addiction. I hate being an alcoholic. But I am and I accept it. Instead of leaving me she’s actually proud of me and all the effort and work I’ve put in with AA etc. she’s my rock and if it wasn’t for her support I probably would have never gotten sober. She knows I put in the work everyday for my sobriety and i’m grateful to have her support. It’s not easy to confront alcoholism. If you’re a struggling alcoholic, theres help out there! Don’t let alcohol rob you of everything! It tried to rob me and that’s when I knew it was time to change. I’m grateful for my wife and my sobriety!

[DCM]

I am in a similar situation. I now live separately in a different city with my adult children and meet with him a few times a year for a few days at a time. At least I have peace of mind. He was sober for 9 years but started having relapses. So I am 60 now and want peace in my life. So it is up to him to change. I can only pray for him.

[independentempath]

The worst part is when they display not only addiction but narcissistic personality disorder and are addicted to porn

[DEH]

Had to end it. She won’t accept that she’s addicted to alcohol, even after it was at the root of every issue, furthered bad behavior, and almost caused liver damage.
Alcohol ruined almost every “date night” and she couldn’t admit the obvious. There just was no “off” button.

I’ve already forgiven her, but forgiveness won’t cause me to have forgetfulness. Damage done, had to move on.

Thanks for the videos Amber, you helped me identify the problem and understand enough to make a decision with eyes open.

[NiraBloom]

My husband is in denial about his relapse & pretending he’s still sober. It’s frustrating bc he’s convinced himself that calling his drug dealer is “fine.” He’s got one foot in sobriety and one foot out.

[kimbartalos]

Thank God for you all. Amber speaks so much truth in love for our addicted loved ones. I wish they could all be rescued. I know it's a survival proposition and I want to survive this! I haven't commented for awhile, but this clip, at just the right time has me thinking.... My high school sweetheart came back into my life 6 years ago. I think he rescued me from a 20 year marriage that had long been dead, he gave me the strength and the hope that something better was out there. All to find the mess of his meth addiction which I totally didn't get or understand for a few years until I found Amber's community. Long story short, I started praying him out of my life and I got blessed with him spending 18 months in prison. Silly me, I didn't want to leave him when I thought he needed someone like me the most. I spent those 18 months grounding myself, finding abundant peace and self love in my freedom from the chaos. Now he's out and back in my life and relapsing and I have so little patience for it. It's my home, I can't and won't leave, 911 is my last option if it comes to it, did it before, will do it again, just wish it was different. I'm very suspicious of all his actions and yesterday was a hard day of fighting off the urge to bite at the "bait" to become the bad guy. I found myself simply silent to his rant. I continue to stay grounded and pray lots, avoiding the fight but I find myself at the DONE stage. Thanks Amber for all of the hope and all of the help you provide to those who find you! and thank you so very much for helping me see the patterns that allow me to continue to break the chains that bind me....

[chocolate]

Thing is, I don't even drink so I don't even know why I have to put up with his alcoholism or feel guilty about leaving 🤷🏿‍♀️

[andreflavell]

i loved a alcoholic woman. best thing i did was sail away with my dog . to stay they bring only pain . leave and the pain will reduce.

[fl]

My gf flew into a jealous rage while we were on a camping trip with a group of people from our social club. She was Screaming, breaking things, accusing me of cheating. Every time I tried to go to sleep in our tent she started again. I took her keys and locked up all her alcohol in the car. Then she stole other people’s beer. I was forced to go sleep with in another tent. The next morning even sober she was still telling me to go with this other woman. She was ultimately kicked out of the club for her violent behavior. She promised to stop drinking for one month. After humiliating and embarrassing me that was her solution. Oh and that we wouldn’t drink when we were together. I can’t get over the resentment. I have left but it’s only been a few days. I just hope she never contacts me again. She blames everything on me always. She was drunk but I kept talking to her when she was mad…I had a part in it. This is what I was told. Just one example of the extreme manipulation.

[yankeesgirl]

2-5 years ago I would have told you that my husband was worth fighting for…..I no longer feel that way.

I don’t feel sorry for him anymore and I never will again.
Pain changes people…the person I feel sorry for today, is me.

I have tried it all with him….everything. The worst feeling in the world is to be afraid of the person you would have climbed mountains for.

I will never do this again…ever.

[deborahstarman]

I really think self awareness is key. Firstly, I found out that I am more resilient than I imagined. I think it's important to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be comfortable with your choice. There was a time where walking away would have seemed impossible. That is not where I am now. It sucks to think there's a possibility someone else's decisions put me in a position where I have to make sad choices. I am learning new skills, what have I learned, hopeful but not naive. That and pray.

[MikeBiddle]

You can tell when it has become a 💩show and they are not going to change. Most of the time they will even tell you what you need to know, but we don't always want to listen. Life is too short to put up with drama.

[cuddlemuff]

I think this is excellent advice. Thank you very much for what you do, Amber.