Primal Wound NEW Theory with Michael Grand Author of Adoption Constellation | Jeanette Yoffe

Jeanette is a child/family/adult therapist with a special focus on adopted and foster care issues which derived from her own experience of being adopted and moving through the foster care system in New York City. Her personal experience has informed her education and provided insight into the unique stresses involved with these issues. Because of Jeanette’s life experience, she can more easily connect and relate to the children, teens, and adults she works with. She is dedicated to helping each of her clients reach their full potential through mental health therapy and make the difficult journey from despair towards resiliency and hope.

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[ellenmoll]

As a birth mother I want you to know this… I never gave anyone up! I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 19 years old and trusted my child to the grace of God! Please know from a birth mothers heart that adoption is not natural. Mothers naturally do everything possible to protect their children. 🙏🏻💛

[Preppybffsforever]

As an adoptee with the most utterly supportive adoptive parents anyone could imagine (helped with my homework every night; told me they loved me consistently; would never miss a sporting event etc.) I have to disagree with the notion of support making a major impact on an adoptee. It did not matter how much love and support they gave me. I had a humongous void that they could never fill even with the best intentions to. I do agree that reunion is not always the answer either. I have been in reunion and it actually made the pain more severe. The only way that I’ve found help is through mindfulness and meditation. This is just from my personal experience.

[CM-yojk]

My adoptee perspective; - Adoption = (primal) wound = Cptsd. It is the wound that is the cause of the Cptsd. The Cptsd has coloured my life since that point. That 'wound' could also be caused by neglect, abuse, narc parents, depressed mother, violence, addiction, with or without adoption. Adopted people are not victims of 'bad attitudes' and 'bad administration' they are traumatised children/babies. For me - not having a clear narrative of my history is merely an addition to the wonderfully complex individual I am. P.S - I was a relinquished baby - well and truly and utterly and miserably 'given away' in every sense.

[DavidFraser]

I was adopted twice, 1st time at 6weeks old, it didn't last long and 2nd time it was finalised in court at 18 months old. My natural father fought against it but I was handed to a childless couple. I was brought up to believe I should be grateful and reminded quite often that my "parents" were carrying out a good and moral act and I was the consequence of immorality. If I questioned any of this, they got offended and I endured slapping sessions. They also resented my growing much taller than them, I'm 6ft2, having my own likes and dislikes, that was ridiculed. I can remember I didn't like them touching me from an early age. I joined the army at 18 and felt at home there, I'm 64 now. I was in touch with my real Mum, from the age of 25 until she died. Lastly I reverted to my original surname a long time ago, so my kids have that name too. All I can say is that adoption is not a natural process, It's little to do with the wellbeing of a child, it's to satisfy the desires of adults.

[KIWILONDONNZ]

As a cross cultural adoptee I was adopted into an all white family who already had 5 children of their own - My adoptive parents loved me but I looked nothing like my family and the family were incredibly dysfunctional and my parents were too old - my mother was already 50 before I was 5. I grew up in denial of my ethnicity, an addict (Drugs, sex)and a compulsive and pathological liar. I had a reunion with my mother 4 years ago but I live the opposite side of the world. We are now distant emotionally and as I approach 50 (This year) I am more angry, resentful than ever, and feel my life has simply been an existence to please others, I am broken beyond words.

[mha]

As a doctor and as a psychologist who works with early trauma and its healing i assure you that early trauma is the most major factor affecting later behavior and wellbeing or otherwise. Verriers primal wound is right on in her description on the dynamics of adoption. I may disagree with her on the necessity of re connection for healing to occur.

[SN-szkw]

As an adoptee from the Baby Scoop era, I feel that the biological trauma of separation was compounded by the lack of personal narrative, the job of fulfilling the parental dreams of my adoptive parents, the inferred scorn placed on my birth mother, & not being able to acknowledge & grieve the loss of my identity & connection with her. I recall my adoptive mother on a rare occasion asking me if I had any desire to find my birth mother. When I said maybe, she replied, “ You don’t get to call her Mother. That’s my name.” Her sense of ownership & control was felt as an additional violence, somehow. Very hard to articulate.

[jodienaiburg]

I had a great and supportive family and still suffer greatly related to my adoption later in life. He is missing the unresolved trauma related from being separated at birth. Knowing my bio parents does not heal that. Having a supportive adoptive family does not heal that. I wish it did. Ignoring that trauma will cause a lot of issues later in life.

[chrish]

I didn't know I was adopted until I was 11, but it always felt like it was "their family" and then me. I have had extreme insomnia since I was an infant. As a small child I would stay up at night sobbing because I missed somebody so bad and I didn't even know who I missed. I was a pale a pasty blonde girl with a mom who was an immigrant from Panama with dark skin and jet black hair. My dad was white so I just assumed I took after him and my brother took after mom. She was so beautiful and I felt (and was told daily at school) that I was just ugly.

When I was pregnant my Mom said that my birthmother tried to breastfeed me in the hospital. My mindset had always been if I found her to have no expectations, she may not want to hear from me. But that shifted my thoughts and then contributed heavily to my post partum depression. A friend took it upon herself to find my birthmother and within 2 hours we were on the phone for the first time.

When I got off the phone my first words to my husband were, "I dodged a bullet!" After a few years of being in touch I felt ready to meet her, a few years after meeting I ended up flying across the country and moved her in with us. Not a day has gone by that I haven't been grateful that the woman didn't raise me. We have a good a relationship, but if she had raised me it is doubtful I would've maintained contact in adulthood.

BTW.... at 28 years old.... my lifelong struggle with insomnia ended the night we first spoke on the phone!

[Bellab]

I think that the much wider point in concern is the literal brain damage that goes untreated and unrecognized in adoptees. Compounding, what was already a horrible trauma

[mygerms]

Wholeheartedly disagree with pretty much everything he has said here. My parents were open and honest with me about my adoption from as young as I could understand it. I was accepted by all my larger adopted family. I have been given every opportunity in life by my adoptive parents and from the outside if someone looked at me they would think I had everything a person could ever want from a “things” perspective. I have a good job, a nice house, a nice car and I don’t consider myself an unattractive person. I just turned 33 years old last month and pretty much had a mental breakdown last week due to the fact I’ve finally realised I’ve been grieving the loss of someone for the past 33 years. Someone I don’t know and have never met. I feel sad, angry, depressed, lost and as if I don’t know who I really am and have felt this way on and off for probably the past 15 years but have never faced up to it. Do not for one second tell me that there is no subconscious “wound” that I have not been dealing with.

[lorenefairchild]

I was adopted and I lived the primal wound my entire life. Healing didn't begin to occur for me until I found my parents and family. I never felt like I fit in with my adoptive family. I never felt like they were my family. I know not every reunion is successful but mine was/is. I hated being adopted.

[johanadunlop]

Love the point re “giving up for adoption”. In French we say “confier” which is more like “entrust” to adoption. I am an adoptive mother.

[jrosner]

Adoptee here. I have reconnected with birth family I the last few years. My adoptive family is all I knew, and they are wonderful. They never hid it from me, and gave me the best info they could regarding the whole thing. I was a square peg in a round hole, however. I was dx'd as gifted, and adhd. I am given to anxiety attacks, and existential depression- plagued me my whole life. Untying those knots is hard, even if you were brought up in a loving, supportive, funny, close knit family like I was. But I'm learning, and my advice to others in similar situations to mine: you are not a victim in this, your circumstance is within your control once you are grown- if your family ( like mine ) refused to even entertain outside views that you were not blood ( huge ), then you were blessed. Face them thar demons, and rise

[groundcontroltomajornong]

A few years ago my heart was profoundly touched, followed immediately by a mind blowing ''realization'' when i observed a heavily pregnant female friend gently and lovingly interacting physically and verbally with her womb-bound baby...the playful to and fro of prodding feet and fingers, combined with the soothing tones of moms voice singing, laughing & talking to bubs was a sight to behold, causing a welling up that i could barely contain. when i had re composed myself i asked her if this was ''normal'' behaviour and she responded ''absolutely'' yes...she seemed a little surprised that i would ask such a question. she then added that she had done this with her previous 3 children in-utero, usually prompted by the incessant activity of movement and kicking in order to alleviate ''her'' discomfort...little did she know that my focus was on the baby's (dis)comfort and much more...

As an adoptee, having read The Primal Wound and experienced the swings and roundabouts of reunion with both biological parents, my mind began to flood with questions about what i had just witnessed...foremost in my mind was ''did my own birth mother interact with me to any extent or at all in this manner?''.. and ''how prevalent was this behaviour amongst expectant mothers whom know from the early stages of pregnancy that they are going to relinquish their child?''...if it is indeed rare, then ''does this give the baby an impending ''sense'' or feeling of detachment or worse.. ''DOOM''??..i was desperately attempting to breach my memory bank in order to recall whether this had been covered in Nancy's book...perhaps not, yet expounded upon elsewhere in the literature...either way, given what has already been discovered on the subject i couldn't help but think this was compelling evidence of pre-natal in-utero development of emotional set points. After some ''gentle'' probing and prodding of my own, i managed to elicit an answer from my mother.. she ''couldn't recall'', but ''didn't think so, '' given her stressful circumstances.

[boyfmbalcatta]

As an adoptive, history before adoption is important, but is not the same for any two adoptees, information required can be different for each adoptee, but what is important for all adoptees is getting and (hopefully) understanding the history. What we do with that history after is our business only.
My adopted parents were open with as much information as they had, this helped me during my early school years 1960's deal with taunts and barbs of those felt it necessary to point out I was a lesser person? History of yourself before adoption can help (if formatted correctly) in coping with life's roller coaster as we grow up.

[raddish]

I was adopted...I found out when I was in my 40s...it was the best thing to happen to me...my adopted mother and I hadn't spoken for years...she always so angry and abusive....and I was scared I would be like her..finding out I had none of her genes was almost healing. I have two grown children of my own who I have never laid a hand on...and they are the most wonderful people I know.

[CheetahSnowLeopard]

This has much truth, but, there IS a primal wound and it is biological and cellular. it’s not only about filling in the blanks of our identity (though that is vital as well)

[deanodebo]

“Gave up the baby” is absolutely accurate. Why make the mom absent of responsibility? Are you kidding me?

It’s not a power dynamic. Lots, in fact billions of women with zero power keep their children.

[RoughStoneRollingLapidary]

Was this man adopted? I would be surprised to learn he was if he was. Reading through the comments, i see i am not alone. Us adoptees are not agreeing with him. I dont see what his rebuke on The Primal Wound Theory even is. I didn’t really hear a cohesive theory that contradicts. There is a reason The Primal Wound Theory speaks so loudly to adoptees. Learning of it is like finally understanding ourselves and why we are the way we are for the first time in our lives. It’s the embodiment of finally being understood in a way we didn’t even understand ourselves yet. As i could see by just reading the first few comments in addition to my own reaction to this video, one can see that us adoptees heard this and it didn’t resound in the way The Primal Wound did. Or else in the comments that would be reflected. I’m having a hard time putting into words what i want to say and how i feel. The point is, for myself and clearly many many other adoptees, the Primal Wound was an answer to a prayer we didn’t know we had made. There is a subconscious trauma that occurs at birth when we do not go home with the person we just grew inside. It’s unnatural from an evolutionary standpoint and our subconscious recognizes this immediately and there is irreparable damage done. Whether or not that adoptee is ever even aware of it. Whether or not they even know they were adopted. And until we understand this fully, there will be a dark chasm that we will try to fill our whole lives. Many of us use drugs or alcohol to fill it. Many of us have relationship problems. Fears of rejection, anxiety, depression, OCD, separation anxiety, attachment disorders and so so many more. When you combine Freud’s thoughts on trauma at different stages of our early lives with his views on our relationships with our parents, it becomes crystal clear. We suffered the greatest trauma a person can go through in that pivotal stage of development. The first few days or weeks of our lives. Anyone who thinks naively that we were too young to notice or realize what was going on; like has been the consensus on adoption in our culture for as long as one can remember, is reproachable in thought. The field of psychology has been aware of how critical our earliest moments in life are to the rest of our lives for over a century at least. I like to look at the impact of events and the amount we learn to be a logarithmic graph or in other terms the opposite of exponential. With the younger we are the more we are learning decreasing logarithmically over time. If you understand this logic, then something as traumatic as being ripped away from the womb and the person of whom is all you know, at said time, well, ill let you decide.