How Some Straight Men Capitalize on Gay Loneliness

This is a difficult topic to discuss but it's necessary. Troye Sivan's new music video, "One of the Girls," inspired me to discuss how some straight men capitalize on gay loneliness. Please share your thoughts, subscribe, and hit like!

#lgbtq #mentalhealth #relationships

[jonbeltrano]

One time a straight man told me "gay men are so easy." This is how some men think because to them it can be easy access to attention, validation, praise, and sexual favors. The truth is that many gay men rarely had positive interactions with straight men growing up, so it can feel really nice to finally receive it as an adult. But you find out it was just so they could feel something in that moment and you're left disappointed and heartbroken – then they enter happy, long relationships while you continue to struggle to find love.

[taniapedro]

I am a heterosexual african woman who is very supportive of gay couples and I always hope that they are always happy and the same goes for you, I hope that you find the partner who will love you, take care of you and always value you 😊🙏🏾

[WorstPrinciples]

As a straight guy who experimented with a few dudes in my 20s, I think you nailed the psychology of “men enjoying the power of being attractive”

A big problem is that most straight men in their early 20s have a poor understanding of their emotions or motivations, which leads to impulsive behavior and disregard for the feelings of others.

[stevennguyen]

"Traumatizing" at a straight guy touching or kissing you, as if straight men don't do that to each other all the time. The only difference is that 1.) You have feelings for these men and you entertains those feelings, 2.) You don't seem to understand that straight men are capable of platonic intimacy with each other, and 3.) You think that men are "toxic" because they accept you for your orientation but will not outright reject you as a trusted friend.

I'm gay and work in a masculine environment. Most straight men are ok with you hanging out with them so long as you understand each others' boundaries. And as trust and friendships develop, those boundaries expand. But you don't expect relationships with these men, and simply learn how to become another man who can have male friends who won't push beyond what they are comfortable with. Trust me: when men trust you, most of them don't care about your orientation. And a lot of straight men are really deficient on expressing affection. But what they're inherently capable of doing with another straight man will not be different from the affection they'll show you if they trust you. And a lot of trust develops when you come out to other men.

And I've seen it with other gay men too. They see a straight man, joking around with me and trying to wrestle me, and these gay men get a bit excited because they think something is developing between me and my friend of 5-6-7 years. And then I realize that for them, they don't show affection or get intimate with guys because to them, it's sexual interest. It's difficult to define affection as platonic.

[BelleOmbreGrey]

We teach others how to treat us. You said it yourself. "There were periods in my life when I let straight men treat me this way." Operable phrase: 'I let them"

[mango]

some straight men lead gay men on as a practical joke

[SteveNoblin]

I am 54 and I am tired of being lonely. and being lonely for 23 years. I need someone.

[gunpiIot]

i heavily related to everything you're saying, only to read the comments and find out that most people either don't understand this experience, or don't relate to it at all. no wonder we feel so lonely sometimes.

[michaelglanowski]

So growing up, when all the boys start competing with each other, i felt uncomfortable and developed a fear and hate of competition, with boys. I didnt want to compete for a girlfriend, if i won i wouldnt want or deserve the girlfriend. So as an adult being the ONLY and SECRET gay guy that wins the attention of the straight guy friend felt like a WIN. He wont be looking at other guys, i dont have to compete with him or for him or compete at all for any reason, yet i feel like i won. Going after straight guy you eithef win or don't, you cant lose. So the friendship connection mimics accomplishment. This feeling is addictive. When its over, the loneliness is unreal. This has been hard to put into words. Its even harder to talk to anyone about, so you are further isolated by the lack of understanding by peers. No one relates or feels you. Its a self encompassing lonliness. I love this video. Thak you

[FlaymaaangRam]

Thanks for sharing, I really feel less crazy after just this few minutes.
I have been boiling in this exact bullshit for the better part of my adulthood. There always seems to be these moments where you look up and there's no other gays around you, and sometimes genuine acceptance from your straight male friends can't help but come with this sense of "spectacle" as you put it. I've done a pretty terrible job finding and keeping queer communities, usually just picking friends based on interests. I keep finding myself surrounded by nothing but straight men, and as a result keep finding myself in this place you're describing. God help me if I say one of them is cute, answer a "how do I look" question, or even just admit feeling attraction when appropriate to keep myself honest and un-creepy -- because I will never hear or feel the end of it. I cannot stand being smacked upside the head in a random conversation with "yeah I'm actually his type, right [me]?" or "you'd jump my bones, right?" or "I'm not doing that, [me] would enjoy it."

Sometimes I just don't have the time, money or energy to actively date or go to random events hoping to speedrun finding a queer circle, I want to value the people in my life and I love my friends. But I swear to god with straight men no matter how genuine the connection, there is always this subtle feeling that you're this exotic pet who dispenses ego points they can't as easily get from women. This isn't nearly so loud when there's other gays in my life and I'm trying to be better about keeping them around, but sometimes life just does not make it easy.

[c.evans]

You look really good, I love your hair!

[KnightsAndDarths]

This seems to be getting a lot of criticism in the comments, and I'm a first time viewer so maybe they know better, but I think I get what you're saying and I believe you. Most of us don't get to grow up around other gay kids, which makes us a little desperate by the time we reach a certain age, not to mention underdeveloped socially and emotionally and sexually. And yes there's people who take advantage, and some of them are straight, I'm not sure how common it is, but it's a thing. Reasons are not hard to imagine, sometimes they get you to say great things about them which results in them getting girls, connections, job opportunities... other times they get you to lend them money, get them presents, all kinds of favors... or it can merely be a way to feel good about themselves, build confidence, when their ego takes a blow they can come to you and be adored for a while, and put very little thought in you suffering over the fact that they'll never return your feelings.

[tallietorchersproductions]

People are slandering you in the comments; I’m sorry, you don’t deserve that. Just because you went through with a straight man’s advances doesn’t mean that you’re in the wrong- a lot of straight men get off on gay men liking them to fuel their egos, it’s like giving a kid ice cream and then taking it away after the first bite. You’re so strong. Never give up, please. I may be 17 but I’m struggling with the same things. Another problem is the narrative of “turning a straight boy gay” in gay media, where it gives gay men false hope of romantisms, and while it is possible for someone who identifies as straight to have their identity be fluid, it’s so pushed upon us. I’m lonely in my town and I hate it.

[john.premose]

How did all these "straight guys" know you had a crush on them? It's all very vague to me.

[CaseyRA]

As a gay trans man who came out later in life, I met the most incredible man by chance. Gorgeous, supportive, funny and intelligent. But I've been struggling to understand his insecurities and traumas. Our experiences, for what I assume to be obvious reasons, have been quite different. For the life of me, I cannot understand how someone so amazing has been made to feel like less than amazing. So, I've been reaching out to others and binging videos like this in hopes of better understanding what he's been through. So that I can be the support he deserves. Seeing gay men attacking and shaming the content creator for simply sharing his experiences has been incredibly eye-opening. How is anyone supposed to feel safe in their own community when members of that community go out of their way to make them feel like crap?

To those saying things along the lines of "It's his fault for dating a straight guy.", I'm suprised you're confused by this. I'd have thought the idea of closeted and struggling with internalized homophobia was well understood. You're going to shame a guy for giving someone the benefit of the doubt?

To those actively commenting shared experiences and standing up for the content creator, mad props to you. Takes courage and strength to do that. I hope you all have people in your lives reminding you of how amazing you are! 🙌

[andreasobuaculla]

Most of my friends that are left, are straight, and really never came across, what you're talking about, I'd stay away from these people, Easier said then done, But at 68, I'm sorta lonely, after 21 years

[Jjunior]

Omg. I experienced almost exactly what you said in this video. It's a sad situation, but I'm glad that im not the only one. Unfortunately, most people don't get that, just experiencing it to know how it is to be in this condition

[metalfenix]

That's why I would ever confess any kind of attraction to any straight man. I had a straight ex-coworker whom I had a HUGE crush, he was the perfect man: nerdy (just like me), kind, a big beard (damn, I love beards). Man we could talk about everything games for HOURS. But I didn't ever confess that crush, hell, I didn't come out to anyone, even though I think it was painfully obvious to everyone that I am gay (it wasn't until this year where I managed to get out of the closet).

But just as Donny said, it's not worth it to open that can of worms with straight man. Just... don't do it, guys. It's not worth deteriorating our mental health because of this.

[ayorkii]

So it sounds more like the straight/gay toxic dynamic is a symptom of gay loneliness where gay men don’t have their own communities to devote their attention to. For a big group of people the solution is simply to find your tribe. I often find myself telling gay men that they should make sure they have the right balance of gay friends because otherwise, self-hatred / self-judgment starts to creep in. Craving intimacy exclusively from straight men shouldn’t be in our vocabularies.

[The_Red_Faced_Happy_Man]

Thanks for sharing, I totally relate to this