Why big boys don't cry | Gareth Griffith | TEDxUniversityofBristol

[heaventunes]

When John's father died he did not cry,
When John's girlfriend dumped him he did not cry,
When John's mother died he did not cry,
When John commited suicide he wondered would anybody cry
-Helly Shah

[kenlu]

"To say that you don't get to feel bad cause someone else has it worse, is the identical logic to saying that you don't get to feel good cause someone else has it better."

Damn.

[ajajala]

I literally find it hard to cry . I want to bawl my eyes out rn but I can't

[tehsensei]

It's sad that, especially as a guy, people don't care about how you feel until it gets bad enough that it's too late. That's why this video is so great, we need to change this.

[hehehsham]

It’s sad that people won’t even click on this video just because a man is talking about men’s mental health. Only 25k views while the ones where women talk about men’s mental health has at least 1 million

[richardgenegrove]

Crying is an expression of extremity: extreme physical pain, sorrow, hopelessness, joy, beauty...but always perceived as *extreme.* Not an understandable result of circumstance but an extreme reaction- an extreme CHOICE.

Boys are conditioned to endure extremity *stoically* and rewarded with admiration, praise, and increased status when they do so.

Girls are conditioned to respond to extremity with *vulnerability* and are rewarded when they do so: increased attention, support, redress of their grievances, rallying of friends.

This disparity bears out when it comes to focusing on mental/emotional health: men are punished for it more than women.

Generally men are only allowed to express lust and anger; all other emotional expressions betray vulnerability. And most societies say vulnerability is decidedly UNmasculine. As is asking for help.

[gdmjs]

As I look back at everything I learned in my life. It reminds me of one of the most important things about being a man. “A real man does not cry”... I think is extremely misconstrued. The way I have learned to look at the saying is... “A real man, knows when to cry”. I grew up with the best father I could have ever dreamed of having. A very very strong man, and a man I am proud to call my father. A man that had a extremely hard life... losing both parents of his own by the age of 14, spending years in prison for the mistakes he made while he was lost. Just to get out to be welcomed by no one. Through all that I imagine he learned a lot. He still made many grave mistakes afterwords but along the lines he met a woman and was a good man to her and then became the best father to three children of his own. When I was little he was the strongest man in the world. And as I grew older I noticed a lot more, and as I grew to understand his life and how things bothered him I think my respect only increased for my father, and I always wanted to be strong like him but real men do not cry even though he would tell me it’s okay. Crying does not mean you are not a man. But a man will know when it’s time to be strong for the people around you, and that is what a man is... To this point I have only seen my father cry twice in my life. When I was 16 I started talking to a army recruiter and by 17 I had my MOS selected and was as ready as I could ever be... and a week after I turned 18... it was time to go, my parents drove me to the recruiters office where they would say goodbye. The whole drive I was getting worried... This was it... I’m leaving home, and I’m not coming back not for a good while at least... and I was scared... and when we arrived we all got out and eventually it was time to say goodbye... I looked at my dad and shook his hand as I noticed for the first time in my life... tears coming out of his eyes... and I hugged him telling him it would be okay and reminding him of al the amazing things like fishing and working on vehicles and whatnot that we would do when I eventually came back home. And for the first time in my life... not only did I see my father cry... but I did not, and I never knew why... it bothered me for years! I was absolutely terrified to leave! I was heartbroken... and in those moments the strongest man in the world stood crying in front of me... until I learned. That is exactly what my father meant when he told me it’s okay to cry but a real man knows when not to... it was not my time to cry, it was my time to be strong, for the person I loved, letting him know it was okay, it was going to be alright and being there to be his rock for the first time in my life. The second time I seen my father cry was roughly a year after my attempt of suicide... my true attempt, not one that people saw me as suicidal or told me I had issues. But the one no one knew anything about except for my dad a year later. I don’t remember exactly what the breaking point was... I just remember being sick of fighting everyday for a life I hated in a mind that tortured me... going through severe alcoholism and drug addiction, I finally wanted it to end. I remember going to the store and buying a bottle of these gel sleeping pills. And I went to my room and took pill after pill until I started to get worried knowing there was no turning back... by the time I finally decided to stop I had already taken 14 pills... but even though I was worried... I was committed, I just wanted a chance. And I layed there in bed listening to my favorite playlist I put together... waiting to drift off peacefully in a world of chaos... but as I layed there crying I started having regrets and I did not know if I was ready, so I did my best to stay awake and well... I don’t exactly remember all of what happened the rest of the night, just a few unpleasant moments and I guess I got the chance I was looking for because I woke up... to my alarm knowing I had to be to work in an hour. I told my father this as we sat around a fire while we were camping, on a beautiful Nebraskan night. He cried for the second time of my life... and I told him I was sorry, but I was greatful for the chance i got, and greatful to be sitting there doing something we both loved. It was one of the most relieving moments of my life, telling my dad what happened, one of my biggest mistakes in my life and something I was more ashamed of then anything. I never knew how much it would help just telling him the truth. And as a man he sat there crying in front of me. He is also the man that has since helped me get sober and get my life on track, I am now two years sober from any drugs use, and 8 months sober from alcohol, all because as a man I talked about my feelings no matter how difficult it was. And my father gave me a real lesson of what it means to be a man. I know this is a long comment and to anyone that reads it... thanks for taking the time. This is the second time I have ever spoken of this and it helps... don’t be afraid to speak about the issues you have or the feelings you have. It does not make you any less of a man. In the end I know it makes you stronger. I can happily say I’m a stronger man today then I was in the past.

[davidkonevky]

I've had a weird phenomenon happen to me. I was the crybaby for the first 10 years of my life, if something slightly affected me, I cried, if something made me feel sad, I cried, yada yada you get the gist. But that changed in one day, and that day was the day my father died. I was in a friend's house, and was picked up by my mom and my whole family. I was confused, but I knew something wasn't right. My father died, just then and there, and they all came to pick me out. I still remember my reaction about the event... nothing, not even a single tear. And it's not even that I didn't like my father, it was quite the opposite, I loved my father. But I literally felt PHYSICALLY unable to cry. And that has never changed since that moment. It's almost like a switch in myself flipped, a switch that made a 180 in my whole system. I never will be able to explain what happened there, but I sure know it happened for a reason. That may be a biological reason, or a divine reason, but it felt so weird

[goldenwolfae]

i am constantly in a dilemma of wanting to explode and tell everyone all of my feelings and pain and emotions. at the same time i wanna keep it in, as to not inconvenience someone. it’s just a constant back and forth because i know that keeping things in isnt healthy but i also dont wanna bother my friends, because i have abandonment issues, im afraid of people leaving me.

[markcusack]

Suffering with a metal illness like depression and PTSD... Is like breaking your leg, then being forced to run on that leg.

[betty]

When he compared mental health with the " falling off cliff thing" I really started to feel how people are shaped by the lies that our society tell us. He is my role model now.

[hcook]

The last time I cried in public was when I was in elementary school I got called to the office because my grandma was calling crying. She had to be the one to tell me my birthday party was cancelled because my mom had a heart attack. I was made fun of when I went back to class for crying, last time I cried in public.

[wesleyglaeser]

i hate the "someone else has it worse" mentality. It is so annoying and i believe if we didn't have it we could reach so much further as a society.

also great talk - found a lot of myself a few years ago in this - really lucky it wasn't as bad as it was for the speaker

[zjpcreeper]

Everytime I cried as a child my guardian told me the phrase "keep crying and I'll give you a reason to cry" Everytime. Then she kicked who I consider my father out because he treated me with respect and let me show my emotions. I have almost never cried since, the only time I've cried was when I pull my hamstring out of the blue. I only see him a few times a month and he is the only thing that has gotten me through 16 years of my life. Because I would die in my sleep from drowning in my own tears just wanted to get that out.
Thank you for reading this 😊

[carsonreinhardt]

I’m 21 and have kidney failure and on dialysis, I always said “there’s people that have it worse than me so I can’t complain” this video just flipped my world I cried my eyes out, and made an appointment to talk with someone

[tOOterchUnk]

When he said “it frustrated me that my family and friends still cared.” I’ve been there

[pyang]

Depression, loneliness, etc. Is a social stigma unfortunately. Wish we could talk more naturally about our sufferings. But keep advocating for people to speak up more about their mental health because we need people like you. I've suffered and tried to ask for help but many people turn away or dont understand enough about mental suffering.

[stimuluscentral]

This message moves me so much. It makes me spend sleepless night thinking about many young men that has similar situation. it awakens me, and burden me so much and after few days of being disturb because of this talk have decided to start the research and how I can be a help to others.

[Joe]

The fact that this talk took 2 years to hit my feed baffles me. I've been wanting to hear this exact Ted Talk for so long that I wanted to write it myself but my assumption is Ted wouldn't take some rando ranting about mental health haha.

Suffering is suffering and just because someone can give examples of others who have had it worse doesn't invalidate their pain.

[PokeBlox]

It may not be that hard for me to cry but with depression, it ironically makes it harder than it used to be.