13 Signs You're Dating a 'Nice Guy' Narcissist | Covert Narcissism traits

In this enlightening video, renowned psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman dives deep into the nuanced world of "Nice Guy" (Covert) narcissism. While they may come across as the perfect partners, attentive and caring, there are subtle signs that all may not be as it seems. Dr. Spelman expertly decodes the behaviors, patterns, and motivations behind these individuals, helping viewers to distinguish genuine kindness from manipulative tactics. Drawing from years of clinical experience and research, Dr. Spelman provides real-life examples, warning signs to watch out for, and advice on how to protect oneself from falling into the 'Nice Guy' narcissist's web. Whether you've experienced this firsthand, know someone who has, or are just keen to understand the psyche of such individuals, this video is a must-watch. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe for more insightful psychological content!

00:00 - What is a "Nice Guy" (Covert) narcissist?

01:18 - Sign # 1 Excessive Flattery
He frequently showers you with compliments, often to an exaggerated degree. Love bombing stage is particularly strong.

02:29 - Sign # 2 Charming Persona
He comes across as extremely charming and likable, especially in social situations. He is a people pleaser.

03:00 - Sign # 3 Hold Self Image
Despite appearing humble, he secretly holds an inflated view of him being superior to you and self entitlement mixed with deep insecurities.

03:24 - Sign # 4 Inconsistent Behaviour
He can switch between being overly accommodating and charming to critical or dismissive. Unpredictable and unreliable at times.

04:31 - Sign # 5 Manipulative Kindness
He uses acts of kindness and generosity as a means to gain your trust and control.

06:24 - Sign # 6 Seeking Praise
He constantly seeks praise and validation for his actions and behavior.

06:48 - Sign # 7 Martyr Complex
He may play the victim or portray himself as self-sacrificing while subtly demanding attention and gratitude.

08:16 - Sign # 8 Inability to Handle Criticism
He reacts strongly to any criticism, becoming defensive or hurt.

09:07 - Sign # 9 Gaslighting Tendencies
He may subtly manipulate situations or conversations to make you doubt your own perceptions. It’s subtle as he can’t be directly mean as he’s the nice guy.

10:30 - Sign # 10 Boundary Violation
He often crosses your personal boundaries, disregarding your privacy or autonomy. Because he doesn’t care about your space.

12:12 - Sign # 11 Triangulation
He may involve third parties, such as friends or family, to create jealousy and insecurity in the relationship. Starting new relationships before one has fully ended yet.

13:47 - Sign # 12 Narcissistic Rage
Underneath the "nice guy" facade, he can display intense anger or aggression when his ego is threatened. But because he’s the nice guy he will often be aggressive rather than passive aggressive.

14:34 - Sign # 13 Conditional Love
His affection and kindness may come with strings attached, requiring you to meet his emotional or material needs. Finally taken advantage of by the nice guy narcissist.

16:06 - Closing Thoughts

It's important to remember that narcissistic traits can exist on a spectrum, and not all individuals who display these traits have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). If you suspect you are in a relationship with a "nice guy" narcissist and it's causing emotional harm, seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial in navigating the situation and exploring healthier options.

#datingredflags #narcissism #relationshipredflags #covertnarcissist

Dr. Becky Spelman is a top Psychologist in London, Becky is the Clinic Director for Private Therapy Clinic which has clinic's based all around central London including; Harley Street, Wigmore Street, Bank, Earls Court & Canary Wharf. Becky uses Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness to treat a range of difficulties with a particular interest in Borderline Personality Disorder and the difficulties that go with this condition such as relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, fear of intimacy, interpersonal difficulties, anger, body image issues, eating disorders and addictions.

For further help with this topic you can contact us here:

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[jdub]

1. Excessive Flattery
2. Charming Persona
3. Grandiose Identity
4. Inconsistent Behavior
5. Manipulative Niceness
6. Validation from Others
7. Martyr Complex
8. Inability to Handle Criticism
9. Gaslighting Tendencies
10. Boundary Violation
11. Triangulation
12. Narcissistic Rage
13. Conditional Love

[viviankang]

You're describing 100% of my current husband. Because he is so nice and loved by most people, I often doubt if he actually is a narcissist. But when he is mean, he can be so dismissive and cruel, no empathy at all. It's almost like there is a different person who lives inside this "nice guy"'s body

[RuthGuy]

What is terrible is the time they steal. So much time.

[dragoninthemoon]

This is when the phrase, "behind closed doors", is highly significant. Many victims and abused peoples are often deemed "crazy" or "the problem".

[vbbqujl]

My ex was all of these signs. He treated strangers way better than he did me. I use to feel so disrespected & over time became very insecure, confused, just bad about myself

[viralynn]

Almost 8 years free from my nice guy narcissist, and I still need videos like these to help me not feel like I am crazy.

[misspriss]

This was my ex-boyfriend to a T. The worst part about it was that when I dumped him, I lost friends and people turned on me. "How could you break up with him? He was so kind and nice!" You didn't date him, OK? He was only kind and nice when it suited him.

[UnrealTech]

My advice to women as a non-narcissist guy that's dealt with many male narcissists; figure it out sooner what you're dealing with. To do that ask straight questions right away and look him right in the eye. Do you want a family? Do you just view me as an object? What is the longterm plan here? Do you have debt? Are you stable? Have you ever cheated on a partner? (Yes you should ask these questions, a good guy will have no problem answering).

Don't be ashamed about being open. If he's worth your time he'll be honest and straight questions will be met with honesty and appreciation. If he's not worth your time he'll dodge questions, repeatedly change the subject, manipulate and deceive. Don't confuse nervousness for deception, if he's a good guy he could be nervous so you might not get exactly the answer you're looking for, so you have to be patient like a caring partner would be. But you'll know, if you maintain eye contact, if it's nervousness or if he's running a scheme in his head to manipulate you. If your question doesn't get answered say that it wasn't answered and ask it again, nicely. The longer you wait to find out the harder it will be. If you try to be direct and you're not sure if you're being manipulated you're almost certainly being manipulated.

The sooner you do this the better, don't let him charm you, just look straight at him. Don't be mean or anything but stick up for yourself. An honest man will gravitate towards you when you do that, a dishonest man will not be able to hide himself if you are direct.

[VictoriaMcDaniels]

I just had a terrible break up with a guy like this 2 weeks before my 29th birthday. It was the most traumatic experience because I told my entire family that he was the one. Only to find that I had become romantically involved with another narcissist. Thank God that relationship only lasted 8 months 🙏🏽

[PancakeX]

When the nice guy makes you feel like you're very selfish and over-entitled just because you have simple wants, intimacy, closeness, needs, or concerns. With any inch of communication you give, they give you an entire mile of distance to walk it while they are continuing to tend to their self validation needs like it's some obsession or drug.

Then comes the tidal wave of "oh you're being too dramatic" or "oh my gosh you always have sudden outbursts" in order to gaslight you into believing that you're "too extreme" or "intense" when approaching any issues. And then get called "you're too thirsty" or something ridiculous like that when you're simply seeking at least an ounce of physical affection all after you having been made used to the physical affection exclusively during the love bombing stage.

I think one of the best analogies to this is, "They fill you to the brim and then starve you once they get what they wanted. They make you happy with scraps, but the scraps are only readily used for keeping you on the leash."

[toserveman]

This is the best description of my ex-husband I've found. He would always say "But, I'm a nice guy". He was and still is a monster.

[susanfernandez]

You just described everything about my husband of 37years. It took me so long to figure this out and finally wake up to what was happening. He is a super nice guy and very involved in the church and all of his commitments to the church always took priority over me and my needs. He is such a do gooder that I felt selfish for having any needs. It turned out to be a very lonely unhappy, unfulfilled life. I finally left him 3weeks ago. Now I am facing a lot of opposition from my children because he has brainwashed them and they just don't understand what I have been through. I have tried to explain but they just don't get it. Hopefully in time they will understand and I won't be looked upon as the bad guy who broke up the family. 😢

[clp]

What’s even scarier is if they are well known but deep down nobody really knows who they are in real life. People will have a “nice” view of them. They’ll manipulate the story about you to fit their public image. Be careful! They are out for blood, especially if you reject the “nice” guy.

[andreas.healing.journey]

This describes my ex so well.... I realized after getting away that anytime someone was nice to me i worried they they were trying to manipulate me into letting my guard down. It was rough... I've since healed enough to realize there's genuinely nice people out there but I'm only to the point where as long as i keep them at arms length i can feel safe. Nice guy narcissists really do the most damage imo cause it makes you not be able to trust basic human decency...

[MicheleLHarvey]

The Nice Guy Narcissistic relationship is indeed very difficult & lonely. If you're his/her only target behind closed doors, you can end up blaming yourself & twisting yourself into pretzels for years trying to please them & not know what's wrong. You assume you must be crazy, since no one else seems to see or experience it. Trust your gut & intuition!

[mercuriaono]

Their narcissistic rage manifests as backstabbing, cheating on you, trying to hurt you in indirect ways like somehow you’ve lost your job because they filed a secret complaint against you etc, ghosting and showing up nice after

It’s extremely insidious

If anyone watches/reads Game of Thrones - little finger is a good example imo

[prosie]

Married to this nice guy narc for 24 yrs- a clergyman- thx for exact description - the rage was hard to take- not about me but even as a witness awful to live w on top of everything else. The triangulation awful too/ Got out at 65 yrs old— can’t believe I’m alive. Hope everyone hears this- save yourself. Bless 🙏🙆🏻‍♀️💜

[rickcassandra]

Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities. But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless. -Jeffery Kluger

Here are some characteristics of the Narcissist.

These characteristics apply to males and females

1. Self-centered. His/Her needs are paramount.

2. No remorse for mistakes or misdeeds.

3. Unreliable, undependable.

4. Does not care about the consequences of their actions.

5. Projects faults on to others. High blaming behavior; never their fault.

6. Little if any conscience.

7. Insensitive to needs and feelings of others.

8. Has a good front (persona) to impress and exploit others.

9. Low stress tolerance. Easy to anger and rage.

10. People are to be manipulated for their needs.

11. Rationalizes easily. Twists conversation to their gain at other’s expense. If trapped, keeps talking, changes the subject or gets angry.

12. Pathological lying.

13. Tremendous need to control situations, conversations, others.

14. No real values. Mostly situational.

15. Often perceived as caring and understanding and uses this to manipulate.

16. Angry, mercurial, moods.

17. Uses sex to control

18. Does not share ideas, feelings, emotions.

19. Conversation controller. Must have the first and last word.

20. Is very slow to forgive others. Hangs onto resentment.

[dianeclayton]

Wow! This really hits home! The cognitive dissonance in a relationship with someone like this is mentally destructive. The lack of authentic relating is mind scrambling. My mother and my last partner displayed these traits. I find myself highly suspect of "nice" behavior as a result of these relationships. Thanks for the clarity!

[wangcheng]

Interesting video content, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her