How to Create the Life You Want, One Small Change at a Time

Get the Course: How to Process Your Emotions

In this section, we’re going to talk about how to create the life you want. But before we do that, let's talk about the big picture of how to create change.

The tiny choices we make over and over create our character, influence our mood, and determine our quality of life. When those choices involve emotion processing and values-based action, they lead to an overall change in our emotions, usually by how we respond to them.

This is a process that takes a little time and consistent effort, and in the long run it's easier and works better than an endless struggle with emotions.

Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[dherman]

You should be happy to know that Ive spent 2 weeks in my garden after watching your cognitive dissonance video. I also cleaned my room much better, cleaned out my car, organized my adventure gear and went to the zoo with my wife and kids.
Thanks!

[ratelhoneybadger]

Addict in recovery here with CPTSD. I'm in shambles and overwhelmed by the task ahead of me to change my life. It makes me sad. It's not easy starting over in your 30s. Thank you Emma for your hard work. Blessings to you🙏🏾🧡

[Mockduck]

I think if everyone just had someone they could talk with and be able to process their feelings an a regular basis, the world would be a much better place but most just “tough it out” and put most their energy into just surviving which is rather a sad way to live

[hislivelystone]

This is helpful. Hard to make even those small decisions when you’re depressed.

[raheelausman]

I always feel grief when I wake up in the morning. It is only the emotional struggle throughout the day which makes me realise that things aren't that bad the way my mind make it to be and then the very next morning I go through the same cycle.

[donnabarnes-adams]

Thank you so much for sharing this information at no charge. So many people with mental issues or problems don't have the money to pay for intense therapy. Some are poor because of their issues. I am one of those. God bless you❤

[meaghenstandlee]

I've been suffering from CPTSD and disassociation for years in silence 🤐 I am now 2 years clean, employed full time job! Starting over at 32 was the scariest thing ever! 💜 Thank you for your videos they are wonderful I listen while zoning at work changing the thoughts in my head everyday!

[hazelr]

Categorising emotions into good and bad is unhelpful, especially emotions such as anger, which are often vitally informative. Pleasant and unpleasant is a possible alternative.

[judymarkel]

I have been making small changes. These videos are helping me so much. Thank you

[talartoko]

Because of the traumas i had as a child, no father, mother is busy with raisin 3 kids i felt like no one actually understood me and i grew up being underestimated my whole childhood only because i am an emphat. Because my brother and mother never understood me as a child growing up till 20 i had built a barrier (a cope-up mechanism) and had been cold around them for Many years, lashing out on my mother countless time because i was not wrong either. It's getting better now.

[forresterwalton]

Do what’s right. And be good to fellow man. Start with the small changes and TRUST and BELIEVE in the process, do not let you defeat yourself. Just start doing it whatever it is you know you can do but just don’t want to. When momentum occurs, lose your self in it. It’s not easy… nothing worth doing is, so you’ll have to fight, kick and scream your way through the beginning until it’s second nature and you’ll want todo it in order to keep order in your life. I know that was random and all over the place but just needed to get those talking points out of my head before it explodes 🤣

[charissaschalk]

This made me grin, because I've thought, myself, that 1% change a day is probably the most we can safely integrate and maintain. I can testify that those slow changes accrue to become something impressive.

[koira]

Few days ago I had anxiety attack after almost a month of being "normal". And it really hurt. The feeling of failing really struck me. And your videos have really helped me start feeling better.
My anxiety still lingers; my heart rate is up, i feel very over whelmed with choices, i can't eat alot. But I'm trying to use your advice. Even if I think that it's hard and frustaring.

[sandym]

I’m dealing with cptsd also & it’s difficult at times, I’m 61. I have found switching to Ketovore way of eating has helped with severity of flare ups or episodes. Dr Ken Berry MD has great information on this. Emma & Dr Berry are getting me on track to a healthier physical & mental Lifestyle. Thanks Emma! 🌹🌹

[mjl]

Thing is I know what I need to do. Every day I get up and listen to motivational and many other videos like this one. It's a vicious cycle, everything I tell myself sounds like excuses. I"ve never been one to pass blame, always forgive easily. I survived abuse as a child. My first child was a product of rape at 15. At 18 I was grabbed, and survived by what turned out to be a serial killer. I had 3 serious relationships, and all ended up in abuse, and 3 kids all from different fathers, yet never married although it was one of my biggest dreams. the last being a 26 year relationship, that ended in 5 years of being terrorized, and threatened daily after the relationship ended, all while still raising my daughter, running a business that my ex was systematically trying to destroy while I tried to fix the problems, caring for my Mom with end stage Alzheimers, my brother suddenly getting ill, and watching him die a slow painful death for 4 months. A year later I also lost my Mom. I kept putting one foot in front of the other while my mental and physical health declined, including having a heart attack and being Diagnosed with MS. Finally this last year I lost my home, and business., and am weeks away from facing homelessness. My first therapist was 5 years ago for PTSD, and went only because I couldn't deal with the nightmares and flashbacks, but I couldn't talk about what was happening with my ex. My daughter and I went to 3 different therapist's to deal with the trauma her Dad put us through, and each one only wanted to make the solutions seem cut and dry, and simple in an incredibly complex situation. My ex was constantly threatening suicide, and I could not bear the thought of my kids having to live with that. It felt I was carrying the burden of so many lives on my shoulders, while also having to make hard medical decisions for my Mom and brother as they were incapacitated. I have been so consumed with grief, but never could allow myself to feel it out of fear of landing in bed for months. Therapists say to find a support system, but fact is I was so overwhelmed I was lucky to have 2 hours to sleep, so who has time for freinds, and it's surprising how quickly people shut you out of your life when you are no longer the one doing all the giving, and you can't blame them for not wanting to get sucked into all that chaos. I've never been one who could easily ask for help, I was always the one everyone came to for it. And if I have to hear I'm co-dependant one more time I'll scream. The way I see it is I should not have to feel like there is something wrong with me for living my life with an open, compassionate heart. I lived my life always trying to do what I felt to my core was the right thing, and made choices based upon what I thought I could live with. My Mom was not agood Mother, and I was questioned often as to why I would take care of her the way I did. It was because I didn't judge what I couldn't understand, and I loving her as much as I did was not by choice. There wasn't a switch I could simply flip off, and not have feelings for her anymore. She herself had an terrible start in life, only difference was she was never as strong as me. I always had fears from my past but I was always able to function, and do some pretty remarkable things with my life, even though the odds were stacked so highly against me. I became an adult at the age of 11 when my brother was murdered, and my Mom never found her way out of the bottom of a bottle. she went on to marrying an abusive stranger, and this fearless, scrappy little girl kept him away from her, and took every beating to keep him from killing her, and let me tell you I held my own in it all. Now I'm afraid of everything, even driving or walking outside my door alone. I was considered by most as the eternal optimist my whole life. Although I know I had a challenging life, I never stopped being grateful for my faith, and how I got through it all, and the remakable accomplishments I made as a mother, and in my career with nothing more than an 8th grade education, all by myself even if it meant working 18 hours a day. This last year I put everything in place with what little money I had left from selling my home, before the bank got it to start a new business, but when all settled into a time I had noone left depending on me, I froze and couldn't function, although poor health has something to do with that, but it's mostly mental negative thoughts, and it's been almost a year, and I'm not getting better no matter how hard I try, and that last chance to rebuild my life is also gone because of it. Nothing about what I've become, even slightly resembles the strong couragious person I was. The one thing I had through all of this was a dog for 15 years who never let me out of her sight. I told her all my problems, and she stared in my face like she knew exactly what I was saying. She battled cancer a few years ago and lost her leg to it, but she refused to let go because no way in hell did she want to leave me. A month ago out of love for her I had to put her to sleep. It felt like the final blow I could take, and leading up to that day and since, it's like I was finally able to cry, after all this crap of the last 5 years, and haven't been able to stop. I've since been meditating at least 6 hours a day. They say you have to face your feelings and acknowledge them in order to heal. So tell me anyone who knows, does this mean I'm on way to to coming out of the deepest darkest time in my life that I've ever had to go through, and does the healing come next, because allowing yourself to feel all that pain is not easy.

[BigBossMan]

I relate to the story about the dad not wanting conflict with others. I don’t let myself visibly express anger because I’m afraid of myself when I’m angry. I lived in a household with a sister and mother who would fight and scream, my father, though he’s very caring and loving, overreacts, says insensitive things, and gets upset with me. I don’t want my children to experience the same things I experienced. I know that discipline is necessary, but it’s hard deal it when you lived in a household where punishment for doing something wrong is often getting yelled at and insulted. For the record, I don’t have kids or a partner currently.

[a.o.]

Wow the story of about the father was exactly how I feel as a father myself. Both of my parents yelled a lot. I caught myself starting to do this and it sent me into a downward spiral. Long story short was hospitalized and been going to therapy for the last two years. Made a lot of progress and I just “graduated” to feeling comfortable with only seeing my therapist once a month. Your videos really have been helping put things in perspective between sessions. Thank you thank you thank you.

[lorrainegill]

I think you are absolutely amazing! I'm a trainee therapist and you are an inspiration, thank you.

[matthewfoster-knighton]

Bless you for sharing your knowledge on mental health.
I imagine many of your viewers including myself have got immeasurable relief from you sharing it. Thankyou.

[misse]

That term you used: 'Reactively avoiding suppressed emotions'
Very interesting! Sometimes I hear something and it clicks...
so that's what I've been doing
Thank you for sharing all of this information with us for free, as I can't afford to buy access to this.