Addicted to Chaos: Understanding Why Drama Feels More Comfortable - Complex Trauma Prisons Series

Tim explores why drama can feel more comfortable than not as a result of Complex Trauma.

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People raised in chaotic environments often have a complicated relationship with chaos in their adult lives. Even though they might hate the unpredictability and stress it brings, chaos can feel strangely familiar and comfortable, reminding them of their past. This tension can lead them to subconsciously seek out chaotic situations or dramatic relationships, thinking that’s the only way to experience emotions intensely. Plus, drama can give a rush of adrenaline that distracts from their inner struggles, making it seem appealing. This creates a cycle where they flip between wanting peace and being drawn back into chaos, which can hold them back from finding stability. Understanding this dynamic is key for anyone trying to break free from these patterns and work toward healing.

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[TimFletcher]

💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.

[punyashloka]

Addiction to drama, chaos, conflict, gossip, backbiting, political nonsense etc are all symptoms of Cptsd. Took so much time to understand this.

[haliec]

My whole life was chaos & drama from childhood to mid 40's. I flicked the switch after a breakdown 4 years ago. Since I've stepped back from the drama & chaos, I can see it in others. I don't engage in relationships now with very hyper, manic people, I stopped drinking alcohol which helped with avoiding the drama & gossip.
I have a very peaceful life. Sometime I will be triggered into chaos but I can regulate quicker.

[scotchmist_]

“Chaos is a comfort zone” was the biggest insight about myself

[couleuredgirl]

I’ve learned that my parents and ancestors did what was done to them. When people know better, they do better! My healing came from extreme therapy and saying goodbye to my past. I live a very, very simple life. Yes, I feel like I’m dying of boredom 😂but life will pick up.

[lesliewatros-gbxi]

As an older adult now, when asked about my family home, I always say it was chaotic, but it was chaos I could count on.

[suzannebrach]

I realized a long time ago that chaos was motivating for me and I felt dead inside without it. I was addicted to adrenaline starting in childhood through most of my adult life. It was what motivated me to action and productivity didn’t seem possible without it. My body is now paying the price with 4 autoimmune diseases. It just broke down.

[magnetiseyourhusband]

I worked in Icu and critical care too as a doctor, was allergic to peaceful environments

[Jennifer-grhn]

...and it led me to work in a trauma unit and critical care at the hospital. When I became a patient, it ended my addiction to the Chaos and abuse of my child and adulthood. Relatable and resonates.I have severe allergies to chaos now.

[lajoyahill]

YOU ARE BRILLIANT! I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE MY THERAPIST FRFR!!!! YOU GOT ME THROUGH THE PAST TWO YEARS AND I LOVE YOU ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[vickihaddock]

I would add career choices such as entrepreneurship or lifestyle choices like being a digital nomad are ways I’ve kept myself in high stress chaotic situations.

[llkellenba]

I worked in neonatal intensive care units my entire career 33 years taking on more and more responsibility as I grew older. The last position was a toxic environment. Rotating shifts sometimes 24 hours long. My body finally began to break down.
Relationships have not been reliable or supportive. Exhausting.

[Nature--w]

Life is definitely very complex with all the traumas everyone get to be exposed to living in an inperfect world keeps making life very challenging because seems like everyone has to constantly heal from something and unfortunately majority of the time people dont self reflect because only self reflective individuals are the ones who put in the work to become healthy and grow but growth and change in itself is not easy and hence some just continue living with the destructive behaviors

[benephysiologytm]

I had created a great amount of security in my life with a very strict regimen of diet, exercise, meditation, and routine. Then, because of the stability I had created in life, and because I didn’t have a parent telling me that I was doing the right thing, I started seeking unsafe people for attachment in my life. These people subconsciously gave me the message that I was being selfish for taking care of myself and for not taking care of them. So, I gave up the security in my life, invited chaotic, selfish and dangerous people into my life, gave up my routine, exercise and safety in order to make time and space for those people in my life. Eventually, it led me to developing several health issues, one of which almost required immediate surgery, another contributed to my losing about 20 pounds in a short amount of time and almost dying. I have been trying to make sense of what had happened and what was my contribution to this: this video helped me to understand that basically the stability which I rightfully created in my life at a very young age was the right thing to do. However, I didn’t do the other part: keeping out unsafe people from my life. Finally, not seeking healthy people in order to have fulfilling relationships with them. All of these contributed to my almost dying a few years ago. I’m still recovering from the physical damage I had endured during that time and it’s going to take a few more months to fully heal. But, this time, I know better. I know what not to do: don’t engage with unsafe people. Don’t engage with people who make you feel that you owe them. Don’t engage with people who make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. These are also the very people who are super selfish and don’t have neither the time nor interest to help you or listen to you. They’re only interested in themselves. You allowed them in because you didn’t have a parent who told you that you are not selfish for taking care of yourself. Your reason could be another variation of the same reason I just provided. Don’t do that: don’t allow people in who make you feel guilty; they’re trying to use you and they need you to concede with them in order to extract from you and harm you. These people often revel in your demise. Don’t do it. Their life is in chaos and they are jealous that your life is not. They want what you have and all you need to do in order to let them have their way is to spend time with them. Does this mean that you’re not going to talk to them? No. This means that you’re going to smile and behave very courteously with them, and then you’re going to leave them alone. You’re not going to tell them what’s bothering you. You’re not going to go to them for help. You’re not going to spend your free time with them. You’re not going to tell them your hopes and dreams. You’re not going to celebrate your wins with them. You’re not going to tell me how far you’ve succeeded in the accomplishment of your dreams. You’re going to keep your lips nice and tight with them. When they ask you something, politely say that everything is going well and that you wish them well. When they say that they think you don’t have time for them, just act busy and flustered and say, “Oh gosh, yes. I’ve been so busy. But I’m so happy to hear that you’re doing well.” Let them feel that you’re so happy and warm with them and then leave them. Don’t call them, don’t engage them, don’t look for them. Be alone, that is better for you than to have “friends” like them. I don’t know anything about how to seek and make healthy friends yet, so I can’t comment on that. However, for now, work on getting the parasite out of your system and life, then you can work on building healthy relationships with a selective few people.

[alexxx]

It seems that without drama and chaos those people feel understimulated and depressed.

[keithboyer]

@26:00 approximately I understood something deep.

I've been using drama as a tool, believing it amplifies emotions and raises them to the surface so that I may address them. Now I realize it was my only path to begin recovery, because in every other way, I would numb pain.

"I'm not addicted to chaos, I use it as a tool for my own healing."

What a sticky web. Thank you for bringing this to my awareness.

[danielleo]

I have POTS and I catch myself pursuing stressful and chaotic thoughts to raise my cortisol and manage my chaetcolomine levels, since My ANS is damaged I need this to regulate my blood pressure and heart rate, but the thing about that is It leads to more inflammation and more disease and more distress to my autonomic system.
I'm finding a lot of peace and a lot of rest in paying more attention to my physical needs and being more disciplined
They say that motivation for change is difficult to have until the pain gets intolerable, until then we tolerate it

[Xr-fan_]

thank you Tim. I m catching up & adding to my playlist, I lovehearing this, it helped me move foward. thank you for yesterday or fridays live stream. it was great ti be there, Linda OKC

[nevadatan]

Calm makes me anxious. It feels like the calm before the storm, like something ominous is pending.

I grew up with the environment where nobody took responsibility or precaution, so in turn it set them up for yet another chaotic meltdown that they could indulge in.

If the chaos didnt occur organically as a result of their non-action, then a chaotic curveball would be manufactured.

Ive got pretty crippling issues with OCD and seeking to control my environment as a result of that i think.

Not just from that, i mean my parents were also very controlling generally.

But being unprepared is a nightmare.

Going with the flow in a relaxed and reasonable way is an impossibility.

I realised i had problems with stillness because Meditation is absolutely anxiety provoking. I cant just be calm and relaxed. Something bads about to happen.

I need to get up and do something about it. I feel so agitated, like theres an urgency to take action.

Maybe if i busy myself cleaning things i can be more prepared.

Busy busy busy busy busy is the only way to feel comfortably calm.

[manyBlessingsall]

There's internal chaos too. And a home can be "too quiet". Somehow I can't stick to routines and am often late... Dropped out of uni. Mum was ill with overactive thyroid, cptsd, back injury, she had a busy brain & hard time as a single Mum & stressed teacher, & a string of weird boyfriends. Nobody else came to our house really. Very little connection or support. She did her best for me but was often dysregulated herself. She died from a brain tumour aged 73 when I was 44. I was diagnosed autistic & ADHD aged 48.. still have trouble being on time without rushing or being stressed.. and clutter / "hoarding" & unpredictable sleep.. & difficulty managing admin & regular eating etc.. Mum was a good house-keeper, somehow she kept things going, tho it was me who did the vacuuming & cleared out the fridge & cleaned windows etc.
My Dad & stepmother very orderly & house immaculate & I was on eggshells there. It's taken me years & still figuring out how the cptsd happened as there was quite a lot of little & big T traumas, "abandonment" situations & insecure attachment etc but all in quiet ways, middle class academic parents living 'good' tidy, sober lives.. yes adrenalin & cortisol & sugar/carb-addiction & sympathetic dominance & chronic health mess .. chronic fatigue, & still difficulty sitting still! Thank you for this video, so much of cptsd effects is subtle