Responding to Comments on Childhood Emotional Neglect | Kati Morton

Three years ago I made a video on Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect (see link below). Since I released that video, it has received over 6,600 comments! With all of these comments and questions, I decided to make a follow-up video to further talk about some of these themes. Want another video like this? Let me know in the comments.

I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!

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[rescueumbrella]

I shared this video with the message THIS VIDEO IS PROFOUND.

I wonder how many people are walking around with anxiety that they don't know where it's coming from and this video may help them and I hope that it reaches those people who need it most.

[milopes]

It's so hard to keep up with therapy because all the therapists I've been say the same thing: " your parents were also neglected so you have to understand and forgive them." I couldn't do anything they've done to me to my dogs, so why do I have to minimize my problem? Your videos and your book are life-saving. Thank you so much!

[wendyjaa]

One thing I've heard is, "Heal before you become a parent so your children don't have to heal from having you as a parent."

[Vlidery]

Especially the minimizing of my own feelings and needs hit the nail on the head. "my parents never really supported my passions and always made me feel like I was a burden BUT others had it worse so I shouldn't complain."

[janetslater]

I was emotionally neglected by my dad. I have talked about this in therapy, and although I know that his childhood wasn't the greatest and he probably was emotionally neglected himself, I still put him at fault for his actions. The way I see it is the adult who had a child, you need to step it up. It shouldn't take that much extra energy to want to offer to take your kid out for an ice cream cone for a job well done at school, or provide some words of encouragement if things get tough. It's called being a parent, as well as a decent human being.

[raywood]

We can't even ask for something as kids if we don't know what we're missing, just take it for granted that's how it is for all other kids.

[thirtycats]

Thank you for this video. It’s very validating. I think this kind of abuse is often overlooked and minimized, because first of all, emotional abuse is less recognized than physical and sexual. But also… I think society pictures emotional abuse as parents yelling at a child on a regular basis “I hate you. You’re stupid! You’re worthless.”. But sometimes it’s subtle. Micro aggressions. Invalidation. Gaslighting. Teasing. Ignoring. Getting delight from seeing you afraid, etc.

[bold]

Exactly. No one ever asked me how I was doing. Never occurred to me to go to my parents when I felt sad or upset. Never taught anything. Just given everything I needed materially (for far too long without ever suggesting that I get a job or teaching me how to) and told I've never had it really rough in spite of psychological breakdown in my early teen years and special education school and extreme isolation and no friends.

[runeseaks]

I don't remember my childhood (never really knew why).
Growing up I didn't feel like I could share my problems or my passions with the adults in my life. The moments of crisis never received comfort, only yelling or invalidation or nothing at best. And the moments where I had something I was passionate about were met with criticism or anything besides encouragement.
I never really thought it was that bad. I just kept everything to myself, did what I was supposed to, and enjoyed what I enjoyed silently.
But, as an adult I realize I'm not emotionally expressive or always emotionally available for other people in my life. I feel a lot, but keep it to myself, and I think that puts other people off. There's no sense of vulnerability. And that's something I have to work on.

[speakersr-lyefaudio]

It's sorta funny in a sardonic way, I can't remember a time that I was asked "how are you?" "Are you feeling alright?" "Do you need help?" Or even told "I love you". I sure do remember times that I was alone for hours on end, expected to figure out food at a young age and taking care of my own problems. Often times, the only attention I'd get, would be negative.

[beautyalaritz]

I recommend a book called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". A warning though; please read it slowly and make sure you have a healthy way of coping with hurtful memories coming up. Example a supportive friend or partner to share your feelings with, Journaling, running/exercise, art etc. Take care.
You're not alone in your experiences.

[rescueumbrella]

Instead of recreating my childhood so that it would play out differently through compliance I resorted to avoidance and I see that. I avoided relationships and I avoided having children and I avoided being seen and I avoided being noticed.

I find it useful to respond in comments as you go along because as I respond I start seeing parts of myself and understanding myself a little better. Thank you.

[TheIsaPerezShow]

Thanks for this, not many people talk about childhood neglect or abuse. People completely IGNORE the statistics that adults (ages 18-60) that were abused as children are the most likely to commit suivide.

[betsywilliamsonyoga]

I was emotionally neglected as a child because my brother has mental health problems and needed/demanded a lot of attention.
After my parents divorced my dad became emotionally available to me. He made sure we spent time alone together and build a solid relationship throughout my teens which remains today.
It has been a rockier road with my mom. But recently I was able to talk to her about some of the traumatic events as a child where no one was available to me. She responded to me with love and compassion. I am also seeing a therapist. Now I feel like I might be able to have the wounds heal into scares instead of them being crusty scabs on my life.

[Isilily]

Thanks for talking on this topic. That bit about it being hard to take seriously is so true. I still struggle with feeling like my problems aren't really valid or I don't "deserve" compassion or help because what I experienced isn't anything like "real" abuse or trauma.

[paulaserafina]

it hurts the most when they attacked you with; "i was there with you physically, why do i need to ask if you're doing okay?"
but then when you ask them something they'll get angry because they are busy.

[PrincessSavvyWrites]

I didn't realize I may have experienced CEN until I started counseling. I proudly described how independent I was as a kid - even at the age of 3-4, I knew how to grab my own breakfast and setup a VHS so my parents could get more time to sleep in. Most of my life, I was applauded for this and other acts of independence. My counselor looked shocked that, as essentially a toddler, I had to be so self-sufficient so to support others' relief. In conversations with my younger brothers since, they noted how I cared for them in our parents emotional absence, and one described me as our "parents emotional keeper." My parents both went through some fairly substantial trauma as kids and I was aware of it early on, so tried to support them. This led me to develop a self-sacrificial view of myself - I only matter in how I can serve others - and would only get a break once I could afford to completely hide away from others. I've been working to undo and replace this with a healthier, balanced view of myself over the last few years, but am still nowhere near ready to approach the topic with my parents.

[coreywilliams]

GOD that last one hit hard. I’m going back to no contact with my mother after trying to reconcile, and I’m dealing with the same guilt and shame as the first time i blocked her number. “It’s not her fault, she was abused too, she just doesn’t understand how she hurt me.” That all may or may not be true, but I don’t care. She neglected and abused me in multiple ways, and I don’t need to sacrifice my own well-being for her anymore. Thank you for making this Kati.

[robertfaust]

C.E.N. left me with a volcanic anger-management problem that wouldn't subside; even after my parents had passed away over 10 yrs ago. It took three decades to even understand that was where the anger was coming from. About four years ago I realized I needed to forgive them both. Forgiveness can be hard, and it can take real effort; almost like a process when the injury is great. For me; it was the first and biggest step in ending almost four decades of relentless anger.

[boknooren]

I have been said that I had emotional neglectful parents many times. However, I feel that it was my own fault because I always hid my feelings from them...
By the way, beautiful painting!