5 Signs Your Male Partner May Be Autistic

Women on the spectrum may also have some of these characteristics, but this video is specifically for neurotypical partners in relationships with men.

#autismsigns #neurodivergent #signsofautism #asd #autismtest #jodicarlton #aspergers #aspergersinmen

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👩💼 Hi, I'm Jodi Carlton, a leading world expert on adult #neurodiverserelationship dynamics and interpersonal #communication. I am a seasoned professional with 20+ years of experience as a #therapist and #relationshipcoach specializing in #autism, #ADHD, #anxiety, #depression, and #abuse. I am #trauma certified and trained in Accelerated Resolution Therapy and hypnosis.

MY PERSONAL STORY: Although I have professional counselor education and training, my life experiences in my own neurodiverse marriage, as a parent to my #autisticdaughter and #adhd son, and my relationships with other neurodiverse family and friends have been my personal training ground. I am also a survivor of narcissistic abuse and have experienced the narc abuse cycle in multiple relationships. I have battled and healed from the codependency that results from having an abusive childhood.

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[JodiCarlton]

Hey everyone! Here's how you can get even more clarity about autism and neurodiversity in your life and relationship!

[teresa.lopez]

I am in my 26th year of marriage to the most out of touch, self centered man I’ve ever met! 18 months into our marriage during an argument I said there is something wrong with your brain, normal people don’t think like this! Well, it has been a long hard road for me to continue to live this man. The rest of the story is that he is a devoted, honest, hard working gentlemen. He has been misunderstood by most, but he wakes up new everyday. Always wanting to move forward, as I wallow in the loneliness of our relationship. I had to make a decision to love it or leave, I choose to love it, consider myself lucky to have free time to see my friends, my adult children and grandchildren. It’s not the fairytale girls want, but I’m human too and I can’t cook, don’t follow the rules and he never complains about my shortcomings. I wouldn’t want to live without him and together we are one.

[patriciatedds]

My husband of 30 years has recently died. What you have just talked about has answered many of my questions. Thank you.

[draganie]

This is an old video but I just want to say to mix things up in the comments—I have a husband who started out this way; closed off and trapped in his routine, where he jumped to assume he was too strange to be understood and didn’t try to connect with me very deeply. Weirdly enough though, I found he was sensitive to and recognized my moods and state of being more than anyone else I’d ever met, and it turned out it was because I also have autism. Once we figured that out and he witnessed my attempts to understand myself better and unmask, he started opening up more about himself and we’ve been working to understand each others’ different needs on different places on the spectrum. Getting his help with chores is still hard, but I understand he’s trapped in a routine and I am willing to be very patient. He does care; intensely and deeply, and we express our love in very simple ways but we feel those ways powerfully; and we’re both trying to slowly grow to be better for each other. It’ll take time, but we have a lifetime to be together 💜

[seanosorio]

Thank you for sharing this information. However from my experience as an ASD man, I've got to share with you that there are many more variables those promote the signs you just mentioned . In my case, as a child and as teenager, realizing my differences from regular people, made me get interested in psychology as a tool for understanding. Self observation, inquiring with other people about their feelings, their thinking, etc, have taken me to evolve much over the years. Nowadays, all that work has made me become very empathetic, caring, and have expanded the barriers of social behaviors.
Encouragement for self awarness, and practice of meditation, as well as nutricion, can give us posibilities for evolution.

[mattstiefel]

It's sad that a lot of people in the comments are assuming that being a jerk is a characteristic of autism. How someone decides to handle their situation is what makes them a jerk. Some people will refuse to admit that they could be wrong and never improve. That's not a characteristic of autism, it's a characteristic of assholes. There is a difference between being a jerk because you don't understand socialization, and doing it out of malice. A mistake is usually cleared up after people talk about it. If the person is truly an asshole, they will dismiss the other party's concerns.

[vanessasearle]

This is exactly what I’m dealing with, have been for 15 yrs and always felt like I was made wrong for wanting more connection, and feeling so lonely in our marriage.

[albin]

The 6th sign is the keeping of a huge Starwars figure collection.

[courtneylougheedm.a.]

I've never felt so UNDERSTOOD! I have felt like I was going insane for 15 years. Thank you!

[Lexicoley]

This explains sososososososo much. Oh my goodness, it’s like someone threw me a life preserver.

[kpaxian]

Hi there! I am on the spectrum and did not know I was for my childhood and adolescence (it was diagnosed when I was little but I was told later.) I just wanted to state that I think that many people on the spectrum can be much more grey in their thinking than the typical portrayal of being black and white thinkers. I have been called "highly flexible" by supervisors at work and I rarely get angry unless someone has consistently been doing something cruel. I think it's important for those who are alllistic to keep in mind that some autistics can...in some domains...sort of defy common stereotypes. That said, I am a female, and I have always been interested in self improvement. I was bullied a lot growing up because I was called eccentric, weird and so on. I think learning to find a way of thinking about others that was not black and white ( rigid ) was perhaps the single biggest thing that has helped me because it allowed me to deescalate emotionally and avoid meltdowns or shutdowns (I have not had many as an adult and when I did most of the time it occurred when I was very stressed and people were not respecting my boundaries...especially after I repeatedly expressed my needs (for example - one person I considered a friend spiked my drink with alcohol, and did other things that I asked them to stop and they considered it amusing.)

Also...and I honestly believe you know this stuff (I don't doubt your knowledge whatsoever) but I think it always helps to see a perspective from behind the "veil." One of my favourite words at age 2 was veil. I even wrote it down (I was a hyperlexic child but initially had language regression) I was convinced a veil covered me and I could peak behind the veil and see others but it was like peeking through a wool blanket and seeing the world through a distorted lens. I also told my mum that no one could really see the real me when I was around three.

I think I had the awareness to understand I thought differently from a young age and saw the world differently but one of the things I would highly caution is for those who are not on the spectrum to assume our exterior expressions match our inner emotional state. As a child I was very somber, very serious. But I got criticized a lot for that and this anxiety lead not only to social anxiety disorder but also people pleasing tendencies which I am still working on eradicating. Sometimes I feel like the most adequate statement of how I feel and think is that my mind and philosophical outlook is very flexible, very fluid...but my nervous system is very easily overloaded. It makes me wonder if some of the rigidity is caused by secondary conditions that go undiagnosed because the autism masks a secondary condition. So it goes undiagnosed (say, OCD.)

For example, rigidity and strict adherence to routines is also something that I think waxes and wanes...but can get worse without adequate support. I know that when I tend to stick to routines more...it's usually when I am very stressed. Also, what can look superficially like an adherence to sameness can be misleading. For example, at work I often order and eat the same meal. But I have major GI disorders and GI disorders are very common among autistics too (along with migraines, seizures etc.) This could look like a strict adherence to a routine but it could be a way of navigating a situation where there are fewer options for us because many of us have many food sensitivities or could have a GI flare up if we radically shift what we eat. So again, this can look like a rigidity of thought issue but stem from other issues.

Also, when it comes to social communication issues...I don't think we are necessarily poor at socially communicating. But we prioritize different things, often. We might come across as blunt but generally I would say the vast majority of neurodivergent people I have met are very compassionate, honest, loyal people. We often seem to understand instinctively how to communicate well with other autistics...which makes me wonder...is the real issue that we are bad at socially communicating or rather that we do express ourselves differently to the point that neurotypical individuals have poor social communication abilities when it comes to interacting with us?

There are conversations about this on autistic self advocacy groups that sort of go like this: if we have difficulty reading the intentions of allistic folk...we are seen as lacking a skill. But if they have difficulty reading us...we also are often told its our fault. I see it more along the lines of what you spoke about in your video...we are almost living a parallel existence. We can often have great and engaging conversations with other autistics and struggle more with getting our points or intentions across to allistic people. The issue then is more complicated than being too sensory sensitive, poor at communication etc. I like the idea that we use a different mental operating system (say, Linux...not as commonly used but has some tremendous strengths and positive qualities) vs the much more widespread Windows. One OS is not superior...but they each excel in slightly different ways.

Also, I feel like there is a tendency to pathologize many aspects of the autistic experience...even when nothing is wrong, per se. For example, if a neurotypical professor or musician or ballerina committed themselves to a discipline or subject they would be lauded for their exceptional devotion. But when an autistic hyperfocuses on a subject they love...that is considered perseverating even though in this particular example our intense loves of certain subjects provide us with absolute joy and are not ego dystonic experiences....yet it still is addressed as something being "wrong" and minimized as being some robotic seeming feature. I even had a previous friend (no longer a friend based on some of the things they said and how they treated me) once call me an "idiot savant." This is because when I am highly interested in a subject I can memorize facts and information very rapidly (for example memorizing pi to over a thousand decimal places for a Pi math contest when I was younger, being able to memorize entire screenplays of my favorite movies and television shows after watching a show one time, and being able to memorize dates and trivia with ease when I am interested in a subject.)

But that is down to an intense interest and the focus that I think intense love and interest in mastery provides...it's not this robotic ability where I parrot back information like a bot.

So much to unpack here, and that's without even addressing non-verbal autistics who often were deemed cognitively "challenged" due to difficulties communicating and a lack of resources provided during their lifetimes.

No doubt some autistics might be harder to live with for a variety of reasons, but that is certainly not all. And when it comes to empathy, and compassion in particular...studies have shown repeatedly that neurodivergent people are less likely to be racist, homophobic, ageist or to bully others. Other studies also show that as a group we are more likely to loyal and honest, and many autistics are hugely into animal and human rights. In fact, there is a huge interest and fondness in the neurodivergent community for animals and the care and protection of other species and animal therapy and having a companion animal is well known to reduce anxiety and stress in our community, in particular. This speaks of a huge need to connect, huge compassion and devotion. That alone says so, so much and it also shows that we need more dialog between different neurotype groups so allistic and autistic people can both more readily come to understand the 'language' of each other.

It would also help clear up misconceptions. For example...stimming. It's not an alien behaviour so much as a means to emotionally regulate. But allistic people also do stim...just not as often (say, pacing back and forth in a hospital hallway when waiting for news of a sick family member etc.)

Sorry for rambling. It's just frustrating sometimes to be treated like an alien or called an idiot savant or whatnot by a group of people who pride themselves on being more emotionally intelligent or of having greater empathy but then who often gossip and mock and bully others who are different. Makes me wonder why stimming and infodumping are pathologized while gossiping, and being hostile towards those who are different is seen as more of the status quo default state. It seems like out of whack priorities and sometimes many resources provided for allistic people about autistic people feels shallow to me. Lacking fair representation, if that makes sense.

But thank you for doing your part to help make some of out atypicalities seem less 'wrong' and more understandable.

Take care. 🫂

[chrisboyd]

I am 57, diagnosed at 47, married for 35 years. Just in the last few years have I really began to look at my life through the lens of being autistic and how this is who I really am. I'm working on unmasking and being more true to myself.
My wife and I are just beginning to realize how much my autism has been shaping our relationship behind the scenes.
Great video!

[dianajean]

My kids and I referred to my ex boyfriend as the “cyborg “. I’m starting to think his lack of affection, emotion, never giving compliments, attention and very little eye contact are possibly due to some level of high functioning autism .
Such a smart man and good at so many things. I just could never put my finger on why he was so emotionally unavailable yet seemed to want to keep me.
I felt really unattractive but now I see he probably couldn’t help it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[neshiah]

I am autistic. Married. You have done a good job of describing my world. The breaking of routines is crucifying. Routines bind our world together. There’s so much activity incoming from outside, often like living within a blizzard. Sensory collisions blowing you apart again, again, again. Great, informative video though. Apologies if I didn’t make sense 🙂

[alibee]

Wow this explains so much. I kept thinking he may be borderline or narcissistic but it didn't quite add up but how you explained this I see this in my husband.

[thedivinemrss]

Stumbled across this and it closely describes my relationship with my partner who I believe is on the spectrum. High functioning. It sometimes feels like I’m in a parallel universe; it all looks normal but there’s a shift in the universe somewhere and it’s not ‘normal’. Totally got the bit feels like we’re speaking a different language. I’ve often said it’s like we get a little way somewhere (after a lot of ‘coaching’) and then the reset button is pressed and he goes back to factory setup mode. 🤷‍♀️.

Sometimes it appears there’s a void of emotion and sometimes he simply doesn’t know how to respond at all and I have to give a strong steer. Doesn’t seem able to look ahead and consider potential scenarios/outcomes. He can be so very self centred and stubborn and yet the rest of the world will see him as a kind and inoffensive human. And those things too can be true of him.

It also feels like I’m being gaslighted sometimes but another of your videos has shown me that whilst the process and outcome might be similar, the neurobiology and intention behind it is not. It’s not done to manipulate.

As someone else commented, I made the decision to stay because of love. Nevertheless, it’s very hard and, at times, I feel lonely and shut out.

[positivevibe]

You truly nailed it. Great explanation 💯 💕
I've been married for over 30 years, and looking back, everything makes soooo much sense. When my aspie husb and I would argue, he told me I had problems; something was wrong with me. I would get very emotional... which he couldn't handle. I was in counseling. He told me I'm wasting my money. it has been a rollercoaster ride. However, I'm in a much better place in my life. Listening to videos such as yours is helping tremendously. I've accepted that he has Aspergers. Part of me wants to leave due to lack of communication, empathy, affection, connection, etc. and the other part wants to stay due to the fact that he does try as best he can. Many thanks to you.💕

[Procopius]

I see a lot of women talking in the comment section about how they are having a hard time with autistic guys. I haven't been formally diagnosed, and don't want to be, but I'm 99% certain I have it due to the symptoms being fulfilled. But anyways, if you are living with an autistic guy it's very simple; just say what you mean and what you want exactly. Don't use any subtext, innuendo, hyperbole, and especially don't say the opposite of what you really mean or want. If you say something to me, then my default reaction is to take it as a statement that you believe to be true, and I will react accordingly. I won't take it literally if I think you're a liar, but if that's the case I don't want to deal with you at all because you are untrustworthy, and unpredictable. I think this tactic of saying things just to produce a desired effect is the verbal equivalent of a cattle prod. If you poke cattle with it, they will move in the direction you want, but if you poke a lion with it, something else will happen. If you choose to deal with lions rather than cattle, you have to use different methodology. But actually, it's really not hard to deal with an autist. Just say what you mean, and only that. Say what you want, and you will likely get it. You can't complain about something not being done if you never state clearly (not by implication) that you want it done. If you don't put something into words, then how can I know of it? If you say something other than what you mean, then how can I know what you really mean? If you're going to say "You have to take time to get to know me, " then you need to behave in a predictable fashion which follows a pattern. I've observed that a lot of women like to say things to produce an affect, rather than to just say exactly what they mean. As I've studied history, and the world in general, I've come to the conclusion that this is the normal behavior for upwards of 50% of women. This is why Verdi included "La Donna Mobile" in the "Rigoletto" opera, where the song says "don't believe a woman whether she says yes or no." Even normal, functional guys who automatically process innuendo and subtext, find this behavior annoying, and have been complaining about it for thousands of years. For autists, who cannot process innuendo and subtext it's extremely annoying. Use precise language, say exactly what you mean, ask for what you want, and put everything clearly in words.

[carolinakent]

It's not that we lack emotions. It's that our emotions are more things that are concepts to others and we have BIG emotions.

[kaypaton]

After 37 years together. This is so true. Ive just accepted that neither od us are perfect. It is hard work and i have felt lonely in my marriage but he is loyal and loving. And i try not to take it personal. Acceptance is huge in a marriage