The 4 Scientific Stages of a Relationship Falling Apart

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

In this video, I discuss John Gottman's distance and isolation cascade, the four stages he noticed couples tend to go through when they're headed for a breakup. I also discuss some tips based on this research to help insulate your relationship from this cascade.

Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald
Outro music: Lensko Let’s Go

Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
1:55 The 4 stages of the distance & isolation cascade
6:12 What can be done to avoid this?

[AnaPsychology]

Also, I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course:

For those of you who like videos like this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

[whalercumming]

After reading extensively and obsessively about relationships there's one conclusion that everyone will come to - relationships are a shared effort and not at anytime a single person's responsibility.

[Novaruu]

i think slowly losing a friend/relationship is so much worse than a quick falling out. im over here for two months like... are we still friends? ._.

[JulianneTheChemistryStudent]

At one point me and my fiancé were living paralell lives and I really didn't see a problem and thought the roommate dynamic was great, and he was really struggling. Only after he told me about how he didn't like it and it felt like there was a divide between us did I even notice it tbh

[tylerwilliams]

I’ve watched you throughout my relationship. We were together 3 and a half years and are now broken up. U do good work and give good advice keep it up

[Serg-rzoo]

Once "...talking things out seems useless" - run! The more energy/resources you put into "saving" the relationships, the harder it would be to discard those in the future. In the past, you could count on well defined social roles/social pressure to provide a framework to cooperate with your partner. Not anymore: if you partner doesn't hear/understand/respect your feelings - it would only get worse. Apply "fail early, fail fast" strategy, and think of the relationships as of a weird kind of startup.

[Themilkman]

I realised going through a few relationships, you’re going to have problems with all of them, it’s just upto you who are you going to fight for, once you give up on them the relationship is over. Thankyou for for the tips I’ll be using them for now on :)

[Sanguine]

Wow, what a great summary of my 9 year relationship that ended in a painful break up. In retrospect, it was exactly like that, even though there were many good things, the separate lives became quite extreme, to the point of having separate bedrooms and spending nights separately.

[josephsuruiz]

Last time I watched your video, you are just a candidate on Psy.D, but now, you have the Dr. as the honorable.

I am really happy for you, Dr. Ana! Congrats! 🎉

[jetaimebaby]

Needed this. I let my anxiety ruin all my hard work. Praying that this helps me control those thoughts.

[Fallacy]

Notes:

1. Negative outweighs positives
□ Negatives add up to outweigh the positives. Might be little positive affect left.
Action: repair relationship with ... start scoring more positives to outweigh the negatives.
Build understanding. Be curious, positive tone.
Start buying gifts and making her life easier = feel seen. Doing her favors.
2. Talking about your problems with your partner seems useless
3. You live parallel, separate lives
1. No longer have meals,
2. you see your own friends
3. Your interests are diverging
4. More like roommates than siblings
□ Triangle of love = commitment, passion, intimacy
4. Loneliness
□ ...
§ Improvements:
□
□ If negative judgement about partner, then list something you admire about them/grateful about them.
Eg I admire their caring nature to protect people
Do favors
□ Unity vs separate lives.

[PossiblyAzrael]

I would plan little hangout dates with her and she would end up forgetting or going out with her friends. Over time my love for her faded and I got used to not having her around.

I had a vacation saved up for the both of us from the near 2 years we were together.

I let the relationship go, and now I will spend my vacation picking up a sports car.

[Calbizzle]

I'm proud of myself for watching this video without feeling too stressed.
I was dumped disrespectfully & it messed with my self-esteem. I don't know what my ex was thinking but they must have really disliked me.
Now, videos like this aren't as triggering.
There's nothing you can do once someone decides to dump you, I feel like the points in this video are common sense & people should work on themselves before getting into a relationship.
Unless a relationship is toxic, I can't see why a couple would go through these stages.

[therippedemon]

I recently ended a relationship through awareness of these stages and I hope this video helps provide others with these skills.

[meagles]

This video is hitting a little close to come right now...I am holding onto hope that we can salvage our relationship. We both had a stressful year with lots of life transitions and changes and some poor stress management on my part. Unfortunately you cannot convince another person to work on the relationship. He doesn't have the capacity or desire to talk about it anymore and I feel that I need to let go of trying to control the outcome. It's very difficult and I feel that if we could just talk it out properly we could address our issues and be together again. Unfortunately you can't force those conversations onto anyone. It has been a very amicable breakup and we are still best friends, but I am trying to remain hopeful that with some time and space we could mend what's broken

[mattxgill]

I’m very happy I’m single right now and able to learn about relationships before getting into another one

[normalouis]

In future videos could you speak about when it's time to give up? This video resonated with me as I'm probably in stage 2-3. The tips you gave to avoid this process, I've done all of them but as time passed I realized I was being dishonest with how good things actually were, when in reality everything is full of manipulation. I have understanding for why my partner has done what they've done but it does not seem like it's worth fighting for as forgiving it all would be like ignoring red flags I missed long ago. I'd be giving up the rest of my life for a relationship that was based in manipulation. Family who have seen the relationship progress agree in varying levels. Ive been looking at things through rose tinted glasses this whole time, but even still I wonder if I've even taken them off yet and have more wrong to discover. My apologies if this is too long 😅, your videos are so informative and have helped me realize where things went wrong. But, I wonder sometimes if the solution is to start over/ end it all.

[michawkwalter]

So I don't know who to talk to about this. My Girlfriend and I have been together for 2 Years total. One Year ago she started acting more cold and distant to me. I recognized those behaviors of her and asked her over and over "is everything alright ?" "Are you happy in this Relationship?" etc. She always replied with "Yeah of course don't be ridiculous, it is normal for people to be less or more affectionate depending on their state of mind" something along those lines. And then after a Month of this she called me crying saying she fell in Love with someone else and that she hates herself for it but is leaving me. I had a long discussion with her and one day later she said that she changed her mind and begged me to take her back so I did. Now one year later I am seeing that she behaves extremely similar again. And again I have asked her the same questions and a more or less the same answer back. I feel like I am in Groundhogs day and just waiting for the bubble to burst. It is kind of messing with me ngl. What are you guys thinking about this?

[neiraxx]

It definitely helps to be aware of both good and bad character traits, and while good traits can mostly cover up bad ones, it's important for you not to neglect the bad traits, especially if they're core traits - they're the hardest to change, and people are reluctant to change, especially when someone else asks them to.

This was a lesson learned after staying with someone who had character traits I knew I couldn't tolerate, and I ended up covering those with their good traits to have some hope.

[funnlivinit]

By the time you get to stage two, there's no turning back. You've already tried everything, talked about everything and still at an impass. Stages 3 & 4 are an unavoidable conclusion.