By the Gods, You’re All Morons - D&D Tavern Song

A hilarious, fast-paced fantasy tavern song about a long-suffering cleric who’s had enough of their reckless adventuring party. From the barbarian who forgets to rage to the rogue who steps in every trap, this song captures the chaos of a real D&D game—where strategy takes a backseat to bad rolls and worse decisions.

With lively folk melodies, stomping rhythms, and a singalong chorus, this song is perfect for drinking, dancing, and commiserating with every healer who’s ever wanted to smite their own teammates.

Will the cleric finally snap, or will duty (and divine intervention) keep them healing one more time? Grab your mug and find out!

Lyrics:

(Verse 1)
Oh, I signed up to heal, to be holy and wise,
To call on the gods and bring light to your eyes.
But now I patch morons who leap off of cliffs,
And drag back the rogue from his latest dumb tiff!

(Chorus)
Oh no, you don’t need me—until you do!
Bleeding and wheezing, now what will you do?
You ignored my warnings, but now you all pray,
“Oh blessed, kind cleric, don’t let me die today!”

(Verse 2)
The barbarian’s raging—oh wait, never mind,
He’s too busy looting, left his axe far behind.
The wizard’s on fire from his own damn spell,
And the ranger’s lost in a bush—what the hell?!

(Chorus)
Oh no, you don’t need me—until you do!
Poisoned and paralyzed, now what will you do?
You charged in alone, like a hero so grand,
Now guess who’s left with a healing demand?

(Bridge - Spoken)
"Oh great cleric, we swear by the Light!"
"We’ll listen next time! We’ll fight with some might!"
"We’ll think before running face-first at the boss!"
...Three minutes later, they're all at a loss.

(Verse 3)
The rogue tried to pickpocket Death—what a feat,
The paladin smites, but forgets how to treat!
The bard won’t stop flirting mid-battle, I swear,
And somehow I’m always the one who must care!

(Final Chorus - Big and Drunken)
Oh no, you don’t need me—until you do!
Guts on the floor, now what will you do?
You laughed at my sermons, ignored all my calls,
But when you’re at 2 HP—you kneel and you crawl!

(Outro - Slow and Dramatic)
So maybe next session, I’ll let you all rot,
Take up some smiting… (or maybe I’ll plot).
For who needs a cleric? Oh, isn’t it true?
...Until you are dying—then what will you do?

[Belligerent_Herald]

As a perpetual cleric this speaks to a frustration deep inside me. I don’t even need them to come up with a good plan, I’ll settle for “a”plan at this point.

[nikogarcia]

It speak to clerics everywhere. The amount of time we are tempted to cast inflict wound instead after they rush into the red dragon fiery breath counting on us clerics to heal the damage and then whine when we’re out of spell slot or spell components…

[Doc-Mayhem]

Makes one inspired to go necromancer and raise them and enjoy the sweet silence of not hearing them cry out for a holy heal

[iammelon]

I don’t play D&D but I understood all of this. This was freakin hilarious 😂😂😂

[morganlefey]

Charge gold for stupid. Upcharge by 20% per additional stupidity heal between long rests - and not per person. Wizard blunders in before rogue can check for traps? 5g. Barbarian jumps ADHD-style into a pile of enemies? 6g. They’ll police each other.

[ElJorro]

I feel this way almost everyday and I wish it was in a fantasy game.

[memecat]

As a death cleric who says I need to resurrect them quickly

[piyaroq]

Suddenly the Grave Domain and Death Domain clerics sounds like perfect additions to a party full of hyperactive gremlins. 🤣🤣👍👍

[wumpusrat]

In one game my sister was playing a cleric of the god of war. She was...very zealous. If you didn't receive your injury in glorious battle? No healing for you.
You were cursed by touching a magical statue? Too bad. Diseased by green slime? Oh well. Stabbed in the back while trying to run away? Coward. Walk it off.
She also had her healing spells cause immense pain, equivalent to the injury that caused it.
The party learned real quick to rein in some of their more self-destructive impulses. :)

[leyrua]

As a tempest cleric, I didn't prepare any healing spells. I mean I can try, but I'm not used to channeling the divinity _non-destructively, _ so there may be some trial and error involved.

[jrytacct]

Hilarious! More of these songs, please! 🙂

[MasterKostek]

One of the greatest songs ever, damn😆

[RoughThief]

As someone whose main job has been fixing other people's fuckups on a daily basis for a full decade, I feel this song in my goddamn soul!

[veszmadar]

First, this is great. And hh, this like also true in most MMO-s. Party died? it MUST be the HEALER of the problem. Not the DPS charging in front the 3 story high, fire breathing, area stomping boss (with light, or minimal armor, and ofcourse with ranged weapons/spells), or the Tank not doing his/her job, and forget to turn away the boss from the rest of the party. XD

[grimoireweiss]

Never thought id live to see the day that AI could actually out sing and play a human. At least AI now sings songs that many refuse to sing even for a million dollars.

[AmericanGirl]

Actually got pretty Really pissed off until I laughed..

[jackyang]

Do you have a songsheet for this? I want to learn it for "that moment" you know what i mean.

[AmericanGirl]

I'd love a copy of the lyrics because I am mostly deaf

[BunnyByte_]

Lmao, these are great but pls do tell what happened 10 days ago...

[demogorghon]

It is a nice song, but I am curious: Is it AI generated? Because it feels like an AI generated song (I might be wrong but I'm 90% sure). Don't get me wrong I made A LOT of those, but I think it should be disclosed if it is in tags at least.