'I thought I’d killed someone’ BBC Stories

27-year-old Connor films his every move to make sure he hasn't harmed anyone. It's just one of the compulsions he goes through due to his obsessive compulsive disorder - a mental health condition he has suffered from his entire life.
His distressing obsessions, otherwise known as intrusive thoughts, can lead him to believe he's hurt or killed someone - something he experiences all day, every day.
Having tried endless therapies he'd nearly given up hope of recovery, but believes he has one last chance to overcome his mental illness - an innovative new treatment called Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. But it costs.
Produced/directed by: Alex Gatenby
Filmed/edited by: Jemma Cox

#OCD #Mentalhealth #bbcnews

We are BBC Stories, a group of journalists making films, long and short, with the younger audience (18-24) in mind. The idea is to tackle issues which concern and impact this group of people. So think about anything from race and identity to mental health, money and much more.

[kyliemack]

OCD is a literal monster, chaining and torturing its victims every second of every minute of every day.

[public.public]

you are a very caring person to be so worried about hurting other people.

[akat]

For anyone struggling with mental health issues, please reach out for professional help and don't give up. I know that sometimes resources are limited and some types of treatment might not work for everyone, but please keep trying. There are people who can help.

[horrorfanforlife]

Hi Connor, I have this same OCD, and this made me cry too. I am a man too, my thoughts are very scary. I'm getting treatment now for pure OCD and I hope it helps. Some days are way worse than others, stay strong.

[wetbread]

Makes me want to cry..thank you for bringing light on this horrible nightmare that is ocd

[kaihartmann]

Stay strong everyone, we'll be okay and get through this. Sending love to everyone dealing with mental health issues, and those like me struggling with OCD and intrusive thoughts.

[AlexanderDrums]

You saved me Connor, where ever you are now I hope your ok.

[triciaosullivan]

Please make a follow up video after treatment, it would be so helpful for so many people. Thank you and I hope the treatment works.

[carinaluxford]

As an OCD therapist (and person with OCD) I'm absolutely astounded to hear no mention in this video of Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (a form of CBT). This has been the gold standard treatment for OCD for a good many years now and practised well, it has the power to move mountains with this condition. It can become infinitely more manageable with the help of this method over time.

I would urge anybody seeking help with OCD to find an OCD specialist experienced in working with ERP. For UK residents I would also recommend reaching out to the charity OCD Action for info and support.

[annierose]

I'm with you Connor, my OCD gets unbearable, much worse than my Bipolar.Best wishes, keep going.

[justmadeit]

It’s so misunderstood by many people, they think it’s just lining things up or washing hands a bit too much but they don’t realise how serious it can get and what form it can take

[Dnto]

I'm living something of a half-life myself due to GAD with some elements of OCD. I feel a great deal of empathy for Connor. I know if I were the subject of such a video, I would check the comments, so if you can see this, you're not alone and from one guy that wants to be able to live a normal life to another guy with the same desire, it's inspirational you were brave enough to share your story and be so open. Your family seems lovely and understanding, which is such a gift. I hope the treatment helps. Fingers crossed we hear of positive updates to continue your inspiring story of survival, resilience and openness.

[evrolar]

Be strong Connor! I hope the treatment is effective for you!

[jimmywagner]

i wish you a good recovery- so you know, sharing your story has greatly help me with my own Harm OCD- you've shown me there's hope- godbless you and your family!

[emilycox]

I’m going through exactly what you are going through, i have intrusive thoughts all the time and it makes me get false memories. Sometimes I don’t even know what to do I just give up. It’s so hard at times . I’ve been praying a lot and talking to my family about it. I have delt with this for so long I don’t know what to do and I feel like no one will ever be able to help me. I would never want to hurt anyone ever. It makes me sad and angry when I get these thoughts I’m so sensitive to them. The only thing that helps me is time, eventually I’m hoping it will fade away and the false memories will go and I will realize I’m not a bad person and nothing happened. Someone said even if you said you did something you would eventually realize you didn’t do it after a while it just fades away. I hope this happens for me . I don’t like living like that

[jahvongeorge]

Be strong Connor ur are a heartwarming person


There is light at the end of tunnel

[PringlesOriginal]

Thankyou connor, I have this too, it is very severe at this point. At the moment I don't have help but I am going back to the Dr soon and explaining to them how much I suffer, hopefully he will help me. Mine isn't harm ocd, but more so moral scrupulosity and responsibility ocd. I worry an inaction of mine could be catastrophic, it's horrible, it rips me apart (I ruminated 8 hours today and almost threw up, it was really bad), I wish this illness on nobody.

[emronsepino]

You are not alone. I have OCD as well but I can't afford treatment and medications that you have right now. I can see that you are very lucky not because you can afford these things but because you have your mother and brother fully support you all the way.
I understand what you are really going through because I still have OCD and it wont go away. I came to realize that acceptance is the key even though Aalot of what ifs and reassurance.

[marvinwright]

I struggle with the same thoughts since I was 20 now 56

[rijukoshy]

I am living exactly your life brother.... Each eand everything you came across... I have done them Its too scary.... Anxious....i hope you recovere fast....