The Insane Psychology Of The No Contact Rule

When it comes to breakups the term “no contact” is everywhere.

Yet, when people talk about the no contact rule there’s a natural assumption that if they do it, their exes are a lot more likely to reach out to them.

Well.... I've found something a bit different... Join me in my latest video as I explore the insane psychology of the no contact rule.

[fullerfamily]

No contact isnt about getting your ex back its about getting yourself back. If they miss you thats on them you cant controll anyone but you.

[Golfing]

If they come back, you don’t want them back. Best to avoid games with people who have no issue putting a dagger through your heart.

[uranne]

It worked for me. I just focused on myself and after a few months he messaged me with an apology. The apology felt good and I realized I had already forgiven. It was nice to feel peaceful about the whole situation and detach from the person. Realizing he was not a good influence in my life, I blocked him in all my social media so I would not go back to old habits.

[twolf]

NC won’t work if they’re totally done with you, but NC will definitely work for you to become a better version of yourself !!

[braedynhoward]

I got mixed up with an avoidant... she made me feel special, gave me tons of affection, etc... then we started talking about a relationship, she voiced concerns, said she'd consider it, and then started limiting my access to her out of fear.. She started seeing other guys to fill the void that I had created in her life. She said one of her insecurities is making people feel a certain way, and then hurting them by not committing or backing out of a commitment...she is scared of getting attached and hurting people, but ends up hurting people by backing off and not committing... and now I'm hurt, doing no contact, and she's only reached out once, and she wants to talk... so it does work, a lot of the time they will reach out after their honeymoon phase of not having any pressure... but be cautious.

My advice, is do not get mixed up with avoidants. When they start expressing their insecurities about commitment and hurting people, back off. And after they've successfully hurt you, don't let them back into your life unless they decide to work on their insecurities and actually commit.

[camellia]

If you have been dumped, “no contact” is actually respecting the dumpers wishes. So no choice really unless you want to be a stalker or turn your ex off you even more.

[JTauruian]

This is silly. Guys remain in no contact, don’t run down a guy or girl who broke up with you. I’ve seen more results from not reaching out than reaching out. Less is more.

[maikegallwitz]

I think No Contact should not be a manipulation game. I am in No Contact after a breakup when I feel I need t to properly detach, grieve and reorient myself. Not to make the other person feel anything specific. Should they need No Contact in order to have warm feelings for me, that would just be another manifestation of a "relationship" that dosen´t work for me. Obviously, I cannot have healthy closeness to somebody who needs me to disappear for extended periods of time in order to be able to feel his feelings for me.

[ginadiodati]

As a former avoidant person, you are 100% correct, especially describing us with the death wheel. Recently, I've done extensive work to make myself secure and will never run again!

[MIMIDSH]

He asked for space/freedom and I gracefully gave that to him.
90 days later, we saw each other at a social event. He was trying to flirt and engage, but I was indifferent. But that night opened contact- I'd casually reach out once a month with a generic hello. Another 90 days of limited contact went by, and now we're seeing each other again. It's better this time around, but I'm a different person now. I'm very cautious and have dialed it way down, which seems to have given him the space to step forward.

[kazykamakaze]

Run when you realize someone is an avoidant, have been in 3 relationships with avoidants and they ALL act the same. Spare yourself the pain and effort, you will invest more than they do and will be hurt a LOT more and won't care later on if they breakup with you. They chase all the points of the honeymoon phase and don't want to build a deeper connection, when you hear it doesn't feel like honeymoon phase or say you don't make them feel as such, RUN! They will try and argue then constant hot and cold and will try to drive you crazy, unbeknownst of what they are doing to you as they are DEEPLY self centered people, you don't want such TOXIC people in your life. Send them to the bridge they crawled out of, golem is missing their precious.

[CarolHenderson-fx]

No contact gives me a chance to think, cry and hopefully get over a dead-end relationship

[marekknieshtschav]

Accidentally used "no contact" on a girl I was seeing that started to talk about how she has OPTIONS and that she can't see me because she got other dudes she's more interested in. Said "fine, hope it works out for you" and moved on with my life, stopping to contact her. 3 weeks later I got a sob story how she was sorry about saying those things and she just wanted to make me more involved etc... sadly I was already more involved with someone else. She lost me. The no contact was merely me accepting that she is not interested, as she told me. Don't play fking mind games, it always backfires.

[windsor]

The reason why it works the most on the avoidant personality style is because it's generally the personality style most associated with a narcissist. Narcissists always want to be the ones to dump you, and when they circle back around after you implement no contact, it's called "hoovering." It's short-lived, though, and they never genuinely miss you as a person.

[doomguy]

No contact is forever. Looking to contact them after a period of a specific time is being manipulative. Your focus shouldn’t be on what tactic to use to get them back, it should be focused on moving on and growing. They chose to leave, let them go, grieve and move on. After you’re done with the healing process and have actually moved on to better things, only then you can decide what’s best for you. If and when they reach out it’s then your choice to let them back in.

[Foxie]

No contact means you are able to respect other people’s boundaries. This is a must in a respectful society.

[pnwlady]

Sometimes people use no contact to gain control, because they feel they lost it or as a power play. Taking a break from communication to process is healthy.

[Moonchildstargazer]

If he ghosts me...i dont chase...he comes back everytime, blows up my phone etc... but always ghosts again when there is a slight issue with anything. No contact forever is the only way to stop the rollercoaster of false promises and pipe dreams from a man who just tests to see if he can get access to me again with some words. He always beggs me to start again, hes sorry etc...but he does it again anyways and i really dont trust him anymore. 7 years in and out, off and on is enough. Im tired af of the avoidant bs. I used to be anxious attached...now idgaf anymore 😂 like me or dont but the moment you step out of my life, there is no coming back.

[happyt]

I would assume that 80%+ of the situation is men leaving a women and the man coming back, not the other way around, meaning the women who leave are not coming back.

[Wolf.]

No ex that said goodbye to me has ever said hello later. Never.