How Could You? Part I: Why We Commit Betrayal With Infidelity

This week, I begin to explore a pressing question that many betrayed spouses are unfortunately forced to eventually ask. How do unfaithful spouses betray their own sense of morals and values, and actually allow themselves to engage in extra marital affairs? How can they disengage from what seemed like normal moral behavior, or in some cases, even impeccable character and integrity, only to slide into inexcusable choices? Today, I’d like to explain more about how we not only betray our spouse, but also betray ourselves.

FULL, FREE Article here:

- What kind of affair was it?
About Recovery Library Memberships:
- Access 3,000+ Q&A Videos, Articles and Mentor Stories
- Get answers from 1,500+ Expert Q&A Videos (Like this one!)
- Talk with others in the private Recovery Library Forums

“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida

HEAL with Affair Recovery:

[AL_FARID_]

Interesting results in that shock experiment. Sickening, actually. Betrayed male here, 5 months past d-day. We’ve decided to push through this nightmare together and move forward to a stronger relationship. Not easy BUT THE DEVIL WILL NOT WIN. Looking VERY forward to this series!
Happy 2020!

[svang]

The questions you mentioned in the beginning never stops for me. As much as I try to make sense of it or find logical reasons why my wife had her affair, I just CANNOT fathom her mindset at the time of her affair. It will NEVER make sense to me. She can't even believe how she convinced herself to or how she rationalized it to herself to be able to. She just feels like she was possessed at the time. Being unfaithful just goes against everything that she is and stands for. It just will never make sense. And the reality that it has happened and nothing I can do will never change what happened is a feeling that just absolutely destroys my soul every time I think about it

[Jeradactile]

Went to an EMS weekend a year and a half ago. Had to borrow money from a family member, but it was absolutely worth it ! I was afraid I'd be the only betrayed guy there, my wife feared shaming. None of that happened. We found so much help and compassion there. We also found some lifelong friends that we still talk to every week. I felt like there were people there who really got it. Feeling understood in something as alienating and isolating as infidelity is indescribable. Hope is there.

[DeborahHopkins-tf]

I had known my mate for 40+years married 31years he was my best friend and I stupidly thought we were strong enough in us but yet he cheated and left me for her .He said he will always love me and I will always be his only one. Now he is back . I never stopped loving him and was happy he said he wanted to try to work things out But now he has returned he said he not sure what he wants. My heart is breaking all over again but this time it feels worse as now I know the crap I have to go through again. I hope and pray I don't have another breakdown as I never had one before. 5months of that and I am still trying to get back to me It was and is terrifying I listen to your talks daily and it does help a tiny bit Thank you for such a great thing you are doing x

[johnborland]

Yup. That’s why I decided to remain single since my divorce. I learned people are too sinful, and I need to just be better, and stand up more often for others and myself. Very few others will.

[TheSourKraut]

I've asked THAT very question for 9 years. For the first 5 I was told "nothing happened, I swear, you're crazy", the next 4 was more lies and LOTs of gaslighting.
Only last week I was told "I don't love you". I've been fighting for 9 years, literally breaking myself in the process, and just had to finally accept I've been used so she can have financial stability so she can fulfill HER dreams of getting a 5 year degree (at age 50 !) and more.
Wasted what should have been our best years. Not me, SHE did.
I'll NEVER get an answer. She now claims "It's been so long, I don't remember. What do you want from me anyway"...

Nothing, I guess, ANYMORE.

[laniec.f.]

I am looking forward to hearing/learning more about the possible 'why' as well. Thank you.

[twogirlsmomma]

Probably one of the most heart wrenching things to ever go through. My ex-husband cheated three years ago and I was willing to reconcile. He was willing to go to counseling but on his terms and that made it difficult. Needless to say we never went but I did look for help online and try my best to heal. Fast forward to today, we are divorced. He told me July last year that he didn't love me. He is now remarried. I cannot tell you how hurtful this has been. This person who claimed to be a Christian and made us miserable if we didn't submit to him and "do as he says and not as he does" has been revealed to be what we all knew he was...a hypocrite. But, life goes on. I am healing and will get through this...I am not a victim. I played a role clearly and I get that, understand that and have changed for the better. I didn't make him cheat...that's on him. Communication, vulnerability, and commitment are big components of healing a marriage. Most never find that path...they'd rather chase a feeling to their detriment.

[arpal]

I am questioning if he actually betrayed his personal moral code. Our relationship came after 17 year marriages w/ cheating spouses of which we were both hurt.

[suzee]

Thank you for this talk. I certainly need to know how this could happen. A complete breakdown of long-held values and belief in the sanctity of marriage. I look forward to this series.

[lenavoyles]

There were many variations of Milgram’s experiment, many involved a live subject playing the role of student, and when there was some relationship between the subject and the actor playing the student, the percentage of subjects who delivered “lethal shocks” dropped off dramatically. So, it is indeed a very small percentage of people who are willing to inflict terrible suffering on someone they know well. Which makes the question “How could you?” sound pretty justified. Moreover, Milgram’s subjects delivered shocks in obedience to authority, whereas most perpetrators of adultery act in defiance to authority (“Thou shalt not commit adultery”), further suggesting a sociopathic orientation in those who are willing to betray their closest companions.

[Devyn_LV]

I really wish my fiance cared about me, I feel I am not worth it when she had to cheat right after D Day with a NEW MAN at worl when I was crying and dropped 30+ lbs of weight. I never did anything that bad to her, I am no longer the same person I was and hate myself and am so rediculously suicidal.

But God, so I still love her and truly wish she will change for the better. I don't know if she will actually change or that I'll even stay, but even if there is a 1% chance, I'll make sure she gets through it even if I won't be around anymore. My son and I deserve so much better than to be subjected to this anymore. Let's see what happens.