Enneagram Type 4, The Story Of Your Life

Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching

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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.

#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,

[JerrTheHooman]

I agree with alot of this. I'm 4w5 and I was psychoanalyzing myself because i observed a random trigger in my life. *feeling ignored* If I'm talking to a person and they're multitasking/not looking at me when I'm speaking, I shut down and stop talking. Then I kinda go into hiding/my cave of despair and lamenting. Now as gotten older and matured, this isnt a "public" display anymore, where i make everyone run to check on me, but i do create some observable distance. I asked myself, why is it that i recoil so hard to perceiving rejection and the answer is: it DOES take me back to childhood and that feeling of being super excited to tell your parents something and they go, "oh yeah, thats nice sweetie or say, not now, im busy". I dont know why or when, but something about that made me internalize the idea that, "im being ignored because im not important. I need to make myself seem more interesting/important ". I either overachieved to be top of my class, or started listening to obscure music, or wearing weird clothes, etc. Because people at least noticed me...maybe for the wrong reasons but i was seen. I learned somewhere along the way that being simple, mundane, usual, boring would not make people see me. Just BEING was not enough, i had to be PROFOUND. Im aware that my personality comes off as contrary. Like, holding a flashing sign saying "please love me" but saying "ew, dont touch me " when someone comes in for a hug 🤣

[gingerbreadzak]

02:58 😢 Enneagram Type 4s often feel different from their parents from a young age, leading to feelings of being unseen, misunderstood, and emotionally abandoned.
04:33 🤔 Childhood wounds for Enneagram Type 4s often involve feeling loved and valued until something changes, leaving them questioning their worth and fearing rejection.
09:07 😔 Enneagram Type 4s may internalize a belief that something is profoundly wrong with them, leading to endless self-comparisons and feelings of inadequacy.
10:31 🤨 Enneagram Type 4s may spend much energy envying others and comparing themselves, feeling frustrated by perceived lack in themselves.
14:54 🔄 Enneagram Type 4s often seek a deeper sense of self, striving to reflect their internal experience externally, which may lead to feelings of being misunderstood by others.
17:55 😰 Enneagram Type 4s desire deep connections but fear rejection if they open up fully, leading to a cycle of pushing people away to avoid potential pain.
21:22 😡 Enneagram Type 4s may become disappointed or angry when others fail to fully understand or acknowledge their suffering and struggles.
22:52 🧠 Understanding Enneagram Type 4: Fours often feel they've been dealt a bad hand in life but still persevere, seeking validation for their suffering.
26:21 🔄 Fours struggle with a constant tension between fearing abandonment and longing for genuine connection, leading to a push-pull dynamic in relationships.
32:12 🎭 Embracing intense emotions often feels authentic to Fours, who may struggle with feeling happy or functional, fearing it's not okay to be content.
33:21 🤝 Despite feeling broken, Fours possess a unique ability to see beauty in others' brokenness, yet struggle to see it in themselves, highlighting the need for self-acceptance and understanding.
37:19 🔄 Maturity for Fours involves recognizing and pushing back against impulses that may not align with their goals or values, fostering healthier relationships and self-perception.

[Zinnia]

The not belonging in your family feelings are humiliating. When someone asks you about your family- how do you answer that? That’s the fear. There’s something wrong with me and I don’t want to talk about that.

[HyrumLentz]

Hey, I just wanted to say that you are definitely not way off with any of this stuff. As a 4, your videos are incredibly helpful to me, and I feel like this one in particular touched on things that I have really needed to hear at this point in my life. Thank you very much, for everything.

[kardelenaydogan]

as a child i loved reading. my first book was an encyclopedia for kids, i just loved information for the sake of information but had no one to talk about. i was a very introverted kid, rarely played with other kids because that simply didnt interest me. i wanted to talk about the things i've learned&i was interested about and wanted other kids to do the same.
my family never liked me because of this. they didnt like that i was quiet, that i was reading books etc. even if i was exceptionally good at something it wasnt appreciated because it wasnt what a "normal kid" would do.
they shamed me everyday for it, told me i would regret it because i wouldnt have any childhood memories. i was also severely neglected as a child both emotionally and physically. i remember feeling like i was an outcast misunderstood my whole childhood. i'm still not sure 100% about my enneagram but i relate to sp4 a lot.

[loralubimaia]

I remember as a little girl thinking that one day I would meet the man of my dreams and I would bring him to my house. Each room of my house was a glorious secret and something special about me. One room would be my writing room and I was a famous author another an art room.... Bit obnoxious thinking about it now but really fits what you're saying about 4s

[munkami]

Yes, my mother is ESFP 7w6 and my father was INTP 5w4. My father intimidated me and my mother didn't really understand my gifts and would've rather had an extroverted and uncomplicated child.

Then, my father died at 12 and I felt abandoned. For all his faults my father put alot of energy into nurturing my musical and creative gifts. And then there was nothing, just survival.

I also failed my school exams because I was affected by the loss of my father and so always felt relegated to a low status. It was a double blow within one year - Dad gone and in a bad school.

It's peculiar to consider whether I became a type 4 or whether those experiences brought out the 4ness in me.

Life is a paradox, I think.

You are right, our intensity is a defence mechanism to make sure we don't feel shame. We have lived with alot of shame and do not want to experience anymore. We don't want to be judged for being our authentic selves yet we are in this world that doesn't value kindness, empathy, creativity.

It values productivity, wealth accumulation, high status, materialism. Everything we don't stand for.

Also - type 4s are usually sensitive Introverts. So we need alot of downtime to restore ourselves. Therefore, keeping up with friends is difficult because we lack the stamina and resilience. It isn't a choice, it is self -preservation.

You are tottright Dr LaHue. We are deeply complex and stuck in a paradox.

My view is that only through the act of creation can we save ourselves.

[jesusfreak]

Man, as a 4, some of this hurt to hear. But so desperately needed! Just this morning I addressed something with my wife (a 1) about the talk we had the night before pertaining to our lack of communication. I wanted her to understand why I responded (or didn't) the way I did, body language and all, and she took it like she did something wrong. When all I want is to be understood. It made our situation worse. ore often than not, I don't understand myself. So how can I expect others to understand me. I'd say I lean more on the unhealthy side.

[johnfaulk]

I believe that 4s are more turned off by shallow people than wanting random people to know us deeply. We just don’t work hard to please everyone, but we will open up to those that are willing to be vulnerable too. We save the deeper stuff for close relationships.

[נטליבימבט]

My enneaggram 4 poem:
I have to hide
On this stage because
Otherwise I become
An invisible ghost
I mis-give and mis-take
It all for granted
I am just so misery-oriented
Even though I know
It's a foolish game
I always end up acting the same
I cannot go on hiding this shame
I don't even like these face and name
Please don't fix me though I am broken
I feel like rhyming till I get OK
I need to look all this pain in the – "I"
Untill she rhymes as the days go – bye!

[stephenwolf]

I am a 4w3. I think you are pretty spot on with most of this. I think around minute 17 you talked about the way we show our expressions and what the intention is. I think for myself, I lived in my feelings for years and often wore my emotions, but also hid them to survive. Sometimes I still do. Some of the way we represent ourselves is looking for understanding. Some of it is a way of showing people who we really are without masks because for us, that is the greatest level in intimacy. If you still love me after I tell you everything or show you everything, it is the fairytale come true. It’s testing people to see if they can deal with me, because I’m used to rejection. Sometimes it’s attention seeking. Sometimes I get off on my ability to show feelings because I can sit in my feelings so well and talk about them so well when it makes others squirm, especially men, so it feels like a superpower that is unique. Some of it is hoping to inspire people to be more open with their feelings to build a connection. Like, if I can do it, so can you. It can often be a defense mechanism as well when dealing with others, especially negative emotions or melancholy. I want you around me… but I’m going to pretend I don’t want you near me. Chase me, because that makes me feel special the way I view you as being “special” or elevated on the pedestal.

I think the next level of it is what our identity is based on. I read a book that many 4s have boarder line tendencies. It feels like to really know me and be my authentic self I have to show my feelings, because my identity is wrapped up in my feelings. Or what I feel is my identity in that moment, since it can be very swayed by feelings or how we perceive others view us, especially when we are young. I think a lot of us spend a lot of time obsessing over our feelings, the meaning of life, and our identity, because we are constantly questioning who we are or our worth, how we can “fix it” to be the perfect person that belongs and everyone will love and adore because I am never good enough. That one person everyone will envy like I hold others on a pedestal. I want to be just like everyone else that does not carry this weight around, but ironically, struggle to get there sometimes because I tend to compare myself to other people and find things that they have and i don’t. It’s almost like our worth is deeply connected to what we perceive we don’t have, while being blind to all the things we do have by being stuck in the fantasy we build in our heads of the ideal.

I think being a four is very confusing even for a four itself. As I have matured, I have learned to love myself and stop comparing as much, to not overshare, be aware of how I come across to others, and open my heart to others, but… those wounds still run deep. I grew up in a small Texas town as a gay male, so I was always reminded of how I didn’t belong verbally and many times physically. Sometimes I think of that movie with Jennifer Lopez called the cell because the four mind is complex and full of illusions. On the inside, it can be incredibly dark, it can be playful, it can be artistic. It can also be obsessive at times. But at the root of it all, we just want to be loved and belong, even though the pains of our childhoods deeply instilled in us we weren’t and didn’t.

[Motherascending]

I actually used to feel that i must have been adopted and had fantasies about coming from a family who lived in the countryside with animals. I also went through a phase of thinking my parents were actually aliens... ages 6 to 9 years... my family was incredibly dysfunctional, narcissistic, drugs, chaos and my siblings and i were neglected. I have done a hell of a lot of inner work and spirituality has been an amazing anchor but I still feel i have more to dig through and a journey to find who I really am!
And yes, i do want to find someone who can truly understand me and handle my depth of personhood. An also help me to find more of who i am.

[davidjacobsbasically]

Tom, 4 here. Your analysis is spot on and, as a “unique” 4, it is funny how hurt I feel being so accurately “pegged”! For me, It’s almost painful for me not to externalize what I’m feeling inside. It’s about being truthful, it’s about being authentic and it’s about being able to be a channel for the multicolored, multifaceted, multidimensional nature of God’s expression. There is a reason why many brilliant artists and poets are type 4s. They express life and, in doing so, express God. For me, it really really helps me to feed in the thought that I am good just the way I am. Definitely not perfect. But that there’s nothing wrong with me. That im allowed to be happy. That’s freeing rather than thinking the traditional Christian way of “I am a fallen sinner”- that just feels like self righteous self loathing.

[thechaostrials]

And, we attract toxic narcissists who take all our vulnerabilities and weaponize them. That happened to me and ever since that near total destruction of my life, I am terrified of ever letting anyone get near me. Really like this video. I have felt alone and misunderstood, that something is "wrong with me" my entire life. It's brutal. It's as though I am invisible.

[nhiho]

Thank you for the free content, I watched every single videos of you about type 4 and has taken out many things for myself❤

[iamjilliancole]

I really love the context in how you shared about 4's in this - that you don't actually know "how it is" to be a 4, but rather the interpretation from your own perspective as you were reading through the book. It was super interesting and added an extra layer of insight that I really appreciated. Thank you!!

[HeatherKMB]

This is incredibly profound and helpful. So powerful to start to really see why I'm the way I am and open up doors to growth that have not been seen before. Thank you!

[mememeome]

Yeah it’s true. There’s a self fulfilling prophecy in there for sure. I even experience this with friendships that get deep enough to really see how I think and work, and then they see my flaws. It’s so terrifying that my brain starts to look for any sign of rejection in their words or behavior then distance myself. And distancing myself could look like talking to them less, sharing less vulnerable things, or even getting easily defensive and being extra sassy toward them. It’s sad when I do this because it’s really hard for me to control myself since it’s so fear based and automatic. It’s hard to want intimacy and connection so much, but then build a world with emotionally disconnected people or people that start to get close and you push them away. But it’s true that no one is without flaws, and it’s a journey for me at least to work on this little by little. I know I’ve already made so much progress

[Fourinyrsplus]

This is AMAZING & wish I'd listened to this previously this week ~ thankfully ~ now, I can laugh along at myself

[GodsGrace]

I’m a 4 w 5 and I find this very interesting and fairly accurate. I don’t think being a 4 has to be a bad thing lol. It’s just learning to understand that we have deep emotions and feelings. And that because we can connect to our feelings we have an extraordinary ability to help others with theirs. It’s learning to direct it in a positive way. Not to let all the fears of abandonment keep us from connecting. What I’m wondering is if because of those fears we might be manifesting these experiences into our lives which validate our fears. For example in my family I absolutely felt like I didn’t fit in. And then there was the obvious physical traits that I had red hair light skin and the rest of my family all had dark brown hair and dark skin. This instilled in me from a young age that not only did I look different but I also felt differently than they did. Then I had real issues of abandonment from my parents which just reinforced the abandonment and feeling of being unloved. So curious if other 4s out there have noticed similar experiences that manifest in your lives.

But now at 45 I have learned better coping skills with my emotions and feelings to where I can use them to help others process their emotions and feelings. I’m often told that I feel “safe” because I provide a nurturing environment for people to share the really hard dark feelings. And then add in a healthy dose of empathy and it’s a nice balance.

It’s just learning to not take yourself so seriously. Embrace your flaws and sin. Understand that you will never “feel” like others and embrace that. I don’t feel like I fit in so I don’t try to fit in anymore. I really have embraced the individualistic side of being a 4 and I feel more “myself” than ever. And as I have done that I feel more connected to God. It’s definitely a constant juggling act. But it is better than constantly feeling misunderstood and rejected. Just accept that those are just feelings and not necessarily your reality. I find too that there needs to be a balance of that fantasy self with a healthy dose of reality that help get us 4s to a healthy place. The romanticizing relationships can set us up for failure because we have such high expectations of our relationships we constantly feel let down and disappointed. Which then can ignite the tailspin of nobody loves us guess I’ll go eat worms…recluse….like sucks…I don’t belong here. 😂

Definitely try to surf the emotional wave vs letting it drown you. ☺️❤️🙏🏻✌🏻