Why Trying to Feel Happy Backfires: Purpose vs. Happiness- 25/30 How to Process Emotions

Get the course: How to Process Your Emotions

We’ve been duped into thinking that happiness is the goal of life. Happiness may be the outcome of a good life, but if you put all your efforts into happiness, you may end up feeling miserable. People who live rich and fulfilling lives focus on their purpose and their direction - their values - instead of putting all their effort into being happy.

Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
----

[anjan]

Your videos are amazing! I have followed this course now, and I must say: my improvement is remarkable. I have tried a lot of therapy and therapist, and what you offer here for free is really good quality. I think you are doing an amazing job for people struggling, teaching people how to solve problems yourself. Thank you very much <3

[boosqueezy]

took me years to really comprehend that trying to avoid pain was what was causing me pain. accepting it and honoring it helps it process and leave. resistance leads to agony. it’s okay to not be happy sometimes. it’s life. you’re not supposed to be happy constantly. oh, and let me make this clear: anti-depressants are not “happy pills, ” as they are widely marketed. trust me. and if i’m having a bad day, i allow myself to feel crappy—so long as i don’t wallow for days and days

[watchingthehorizon]

I don't know if you will read this but I broke down into tears nine minutes into the video... I have felt my last dozen therapy sessions have been completely pointless and futile. I was beginning to believe that I am just broken and cannot be fixed even after seeking outside help. You have helped me realign and better understand what and more importantly WHY the feelings I have make me believe I am trapped and alone. I was trying to come to terms with this when I believe my very specific prayer that I made only two days ago, the same day you published this video, was answered. I just want to say thank you... I realize I have a lot of work ahead of me and for the first time in a long time I feel as though I have direction.

[Contessa]

Thank you. My sister doesn’t allow any negativity in her life. It’s so weird. You can’t be happy 100%. That’s how I was raised to always be positive and happy. I could never live up to that policy so thank you for making me feel normal

[donnabolt]

This video is so important! People need to know its ok to feel sad. Its just emotions. Emotions do not define who you are as a person.
I'm trying to teach my husband that. He freaks if he sees me cry. I hardly ever cried but I cry all the time now because im grieving the life I used to have. Now stuck in a body I have no control over and would do anything for my health back (auto immune disease).
Thank you for this video! Your hard work is not in vain and is much appreciated by me and im pretty sure many many others

[laurenmikles]

I am moving in one month to dedicate my life as a full time employee of The Salvation Army. This is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, selling off my belongings, packing up what’s left, leaving my family, finding homes for my fur babies. I will most likely never end up back in my hometown, as I will move around every few years, depending on my appointments. I never ever thought I would do this. This wouldn’t have been my preference but it certainly is my purpose, and in that I find joy.

[serenitystreams]

I agree completely. I’ve learned over the decades to just “be.” It’s a long road. In extended times of trauma and divorce and loss I have had every reason to take it out on others, but instead I chose to internalise and “put on” a helpful disposition to others including apprentices and friends, which turned out to be very rewarding. It gave me purpose when I had none. The pain of loss is still there, but there is also a comfort in knowing we have control over very little in life, and to be at peace with that. I believe it’s only then that when we let go and choose to trust, and follow the path given to us, that we can finally find peace.

[amber]

As a person who’s depression comes from chronic pain, this is a FANTASTIC video to get my mind back on the right track. Thank you so much.

[joesphbegley]

Strive for contentment and occasionally you will also be happy !

[amirceljo]

Hi Emma, just wanted to say that I appreciate you and your content . Past year I had really strong anxiety attacks caused by my thoughts, I just couldn't calm, so I wanted to get the therapy . They gave me medications that I refused to use, because I know I am healthy just something is not going very well with my mind and my existential questions. I tried neurofeedback therapy which gave me amazing results, but still after few triggers I go back to anxiety and that stiffness . I watched a couple of your videos on how to sit with uncomfortable emotions until they disappear . This changed everything, I stopped ruminating, my brain just start functioning again, I'm not having those intrusive thoughts, I truly feel better even tho anxiety was persistent I just need to practice this for a while until I completely heal. Thank you so much !

[keltavuokko]

I find it curious that happiness is seen as an end-result - "my goal is to become happy" (and apparently stay that way). When, like you said, people can and are happy in fleeting moments in life, one minute happy and the next less happy. Always constantly changing. It's quite damaging, I believe, that movies etc. even today try to sell us this idea that happiness is something that can be pursued and had, as if it was a luxury item that must be chased after. Thank you for the video!

[leonamcandrews]

You really nailed it. I have thought of myself as, not necessarily an unhappy person, but not as a happy person either. Moments can be happy, but expecting happiness all the time is unrealistic. Thanks for the video.

[Miguelissimo]

Thank you for your selfless and meaningful work.

[elenigalani]

"What hurts you blesses you. Darkness is your candle" (Rumi)

[thatgurl]

You deserve happiness! All of you. I am going to pursue mine!! I am not defined by what was done to me! I am NOT alone. God is with me forever.. FOREVER ❤

[Nuffsaid]

The irony where Emma mentions companies use the promise of happiness to sell product then the video's sponsor better help advertises with "you deserve to be happy"

[ghaliyahansari]

Thank you Dr. McAdam. This was an insightful video. Even though I'm no longer depressed, I always thought there was something wrong with me because I'm not "happy". Thank you for telling me I'm perfectly normal now.

[chrisinmarch]

This is tremendous and you are tremendous. Man I wish I found this channel years ago.

[sol]

This is a fantastic video! One thing I would like to add is my approach recently which has greatly helped me! It's kind of like what you said. I'm not trying to pursue happiness but rather just being myself. I'm also practicing being the observer to thoughts and happiness seems to naturally arise when I do this! I see the thoughts for what they are but I'm not always jumping in so to speak. Like not all thoughts are bad but many are imagined struggles. I find too much indulgence in my mind produces unhappiness but when I'm just letting go and operating from a place of being, happiness seems to be there as a gentle breeze that ebbs and flows. Sometimes more blissful and other times a hint of happiness in the midst of peace. But the biggest thing I've taken away from all of this is that my being is naturally at peace and gently happy and the only thing that seems to cloud that is my mind and overthinking. I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts on this! Thank you for putting out such life-changing content for free Emma!

[blueblackhusky]

Dear Emma, I just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you! for creating this particular playlist of gems and then making it freely available. It is one of the best resources for "how to human 101" I have ever encountered, and I have already shared it widely.

I see a lot of my journey reflected in it, from angry teenager to hopelessly despairing, depressed twenty-something to a more easily equilibrating 30-something. That journey has led me precisely through acceptance of past trauma, learning that discomfort is the price for doing something worthwhile, through clarifying my value system and realizing I need to make use of my real talents to help people in order to feel a certain baseline of being content.

I sincerely hope as many people as possible get to see this, so that it may ease some of the suffering that comes from getting a rather primitive education in how to live well. You're doing fantastic work here, and I hope you can keep it up for a long time to come.

Much appreciation from across the Atlantic :)