Pt. 1. The Impossible Connection: Loving Someone w/ Borderline Personality Disorder. See Warning

WARNING: this video was not meant to be a resource for those who have Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD), which is a very unfortunate psychological disorder. The video was created as a resource to victims of abuse, past and present, from people diagnosed with BPD. I do not believe that people with BPD are all the same, and are equally abusive. I do know that they hurt the people that they love. Some of them hurt these people very badly.

This video is NOT a resource for people suffering with BPD. In fact, it will surely aggravate their condition. Although I believe I know a great deal about the disorder, I am neither a specialist nor an expert in the treatment of it. My skill set is with people who I refer to as “Self-Love Deficients” (codependents) who have Self-Love Deficit Disorder (codependency).

Those who criticize my video(s) on BPD are misinformed about who I am. I neither represent people with BPD, nor do I ever try to. Rather, I am a psychotherapist who provides mental health services to people who are SLDs (codependents) and trauma survivors. My work is about empowerment, healing and escaping abusive relationships. This is evident in my Human Magnet Syndrome book and my other video and training materials.

My intention is not to malign people with BPD, but to empower and lead my clients away from their compulsion to stay in relationships with individuals who are harmful and abusive to them. My work represents people who want to heal psychological wounds and who take personal responsibility for their actions. I AM AGAINST abusive individuals who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. If that fits with people diagnosed with BPD, or for that matter, NPD or ASPD, then I offer no apologies.

ABOUT ROSS
Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., CADC, is Self-Love Recovery Institute’s CEO and primary contributor. His internationally recognized expertise includes pathological narcissism, narcissistic abuse, and attachment trauma. Ross’s “Codependency Cure™ Treatment Program provides innovative and results-oriented treatment. His expert educational and inspirational seminars have earned him international acclaim, including his 22 million YouTube video views and 230K subscribers. In addition to being featured on national TV and radio, his “Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 140K copies and are in 10 languages. Ross provides expert testimony/witness services.

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#borderlinepersonalitydisorder #Narcissism #PersonalityDisorders

[ravenswood]

As a person who ended up with BPD as a result of an extremely abusive narcissist mother, I urge you to remember our hurtful actions stem from our own pain. I'm in therapy now and I can't believe how quickly I'm transforming. We are people too, we have feelings, we love deeply, and we can change. Thanks.

[AStoicMaster]

Damn, the truth hurts! BPD male here who agrees with you completely. I've been in social isolation working from home for 2 years now. I CANNOT, & WILL NOT put any more innocent people through the emotional roller coaster of emotions I experience. It's incredibly unfair and immoral in my subjective opinion. There are some of us who are working very hard to get better, but what you've shared is true. My sincere apologies for our irrational, childish, and primitive behavior.

Thank you for this. Take care, stay safe.

[cfarinaaz]

So if I choose to pursue a relationship with someone who has borderline, I'm a codependent person? I'm suffering and empty? I'm half a person?


... Not true, actually... I am a fully independent person and do not need my partner (who happens to have borderline) to feel good about myself. I do not experience what this man is describing. I am with my partner because of who they are, and my relationship with them is healthy.


I'm sure a codependent relationship could occur between certain people, but please don't take this man's words as overall fact. If you have borderline and have a partner, your relationship is not necessarily toxic. You are are also worthy and able of finding healthy love in your partnerships.

Also, you are not "a borderline." You "have borderline." You are more than your disorder.

[passionatepoet]

Also, I'm what's called a "quiet" borderline. I don't yell or scream at people. I'm very very nonconfrontational. I feel shame about my emotions and don't display them because I don't want to be vulnerable. I self loathe as a result and take it out on myself.

[fatimapk]

Being codependent is a tragedy as well. Loving and seeking to be hurt, being addicted to it, and confusing love with pain can't be more tragic.

[Cml-grpm]

My ex had this. He devalued me and broke up with me and didn’t give me any answers or closure and I was left spiraling. This video described everything, literally quoting things he’s said and done- moving too fast, blaming me, having “Black and white thinking” and I’m really grateful because this is giving me the closure to know what was wrong so I can move on. Thank you!!

[meagi]

Why do BPD's avoid psychoterapy?

Maybe because no one thinks it's an illness. family friends and loved ones say we are sensitive, dramatic, crazy, strange, hard to live with.

Maybe because psychologists speak about us as a "half person".

Maybe because they say it's impossible to heal. 

[catvergueiro]

"When they find someone who loves them, and they also love, they find themselves in that fantasy world they created where they are loved and worthy"

what a punch in my face
it was indeed a fantasy world I was creating.
thanks doctor

[RossRosenberg]

Those who criticize my video(s) on BPD are naive and misinformed about who I am. I am not the "President" of a YouTube nation for which I have to be politically correct with what I say and do. Rather, I am a psychotherapist who provides mental health services to people who are seeking to become healthier and/or work through their trauma and addictions.

My perspective is that of the clients who are seeking my services, not the perpetrators of harm from whom they are trying to escape. My work is about empowerment, healing and accountability. I provide psychotherapeutic services that help my clients learn about why they choose harmful relationships and stay in them (The Human Magnet Syndrome).

My focus is NOT to malign people with BPD, but to empower and lead my clients away from their compulsion to stay in relationships with individuals with untreated BPD who are harmful and abusive. I work with people with codependency or Self-Love Deficit Disorder. I don't work with people with BPD or, for that matter, people who just want to bash them while not taking personal responsibility for their part of the dysfunctional relationship.

I do have a a point of view and a prejudice. I AM FOR people who want to get better, not hurt others, and take personal responsibility for their actions. I AM AGAINST abusive perpetrators who narcissistically justify their harmful behavior or blame it on the victims. There, you have it!

I have a perspective, and that is that of my clients. My job does not include representing the people that hurt them. I am tasked with facilitating the healing of psychological wounds in order that my clients can become healthier and stronger in their pursuit of self-love and relationships in which mutually loving, respecting and caring actions are the norm.

I don't focus on what is wrong with other people, i.e. those with BPD, but what is wrong with my client who consistently fall in love with people that profess to love them, but always hurt them. My work with codependency or Self-Love Deficit Disorder requires my clients to take responsibility for their actions and relationship choices.

There are other people online, especially on YouTube, who make the codependent the victim and suggest retaliation as the solution. This is not who I am or what I do. This will be the last comment I make on my BPD videos.

[haidenmorgan]

I love these people. I see them for the children they were and not the troubled adult they became. It is a human tragedy BPD.

[itthesquid]

Just a tip: If you're going to watch this, please also watch "embracing borderline personality disorder" by Dr Keith Gaynor.
And, if you're like me and have BPD, please don't watch this. It will make you feel awful, honestly.

We're human, don't forget that. Please don't assume we're all like this man describes.

[mallory]

Not all borderlines are malignant narcissists with zero self awareness and no desire to get well. (But I guess his ex was.)

[smallybigs]

Knew a girl with bpd for 4 years, got pretty serious for 9 months, then over the course of 2 days fell in love. She had a breakdown saying she was broken and didn't wanna hurt me, and just like that it was over. We moved fast and I've never felt so loved or been so in love. He's right, and my heart breaks for her every single day even in her silence. She was a great person, class act. I hope she finds her way someday.

[johnsaathoff]

His eyes and his voice seem like he has been cutting onions for days.

[russell]

My BPD wife of 27 years left in a year ago July. This is what it was like for me.

Her love was the promised land and I was eager to prove my devotion. Together we wandering in the desert for many years, looking for the lush green forest at the edge of a lake, where surrounded by snow-capped mountains she could find peace and purpose. I brought plenty of food and water which never seemed to quench her thirst or satisfy a hunger she could not describe.

Occasionally we came upon an oasis where I was content and happy. In time the spring would go dry and once again we would resume the search. I am now very tired, our water supply a burden I no longer wish to carry. I tap into the last reserves of inner strength to stumble onward in this barren landscape, gripped by a fear of what is beyond the next, ever shifting sand dune. The blazing sun is high over-head, so I'm no longer certain of our direction, but once again, there on the horizon a patch of green. Her enchanting song once again draws me to Bristol Cove on the lake in the mountains.

We lay down together in the cool green grass, but I soon realize, once again it's an illusion. Like a mirage, in a blink of an eye, it all vanishes and this time she too is gone. I realize I've lost the faith, I must give up the quest and turn back, no longer sure of the way home.

The sun has set and in the darkness I cannot resist the urge to look back over my shoulder with ever step. It has become second nature to worried about her, I will always feel her pain and hunger, her loneliness in the void. I am overwhelmed with an alien concept and try to accept I no longer have the power to save her, even worse, I realize I never did.

At the same time I try to erase the image that she may have found the forest without me and is swimming in the cool clear water. I think "how weak of me to have given up" and in the knowledge that I will never see her again what am I to do with all the love I still have for her. It pours out onto the dry sand and evaporates without purpose.

The witness of my existence now gone, my heart is tormented by waves of sorrow, like the breakers of some ancient sea crashing on a rocky shore. The primeval granite is reduced to particles of sand, now long forgotten, so too will our story be relegated to a footnote, then fade on the parchment of time with each passing generation.

I pry upon the wind, hoping to hear her sweet voice one last time, the words of the promised land as she whispers, "I now know he truly love me". I imagine her weeping with the thought "how could I not have known all those years, we should have found paradise together". It was a leap of faith she was unable to take, inflected with an invisible wound, suffered alone in her cradle so many years ago, long before her happiness become the purpose of my life. When she or I, the last of what was once “us” departs this terrestrial existence, no one will say “they were in love and are together again”.

[Cerberusgods]

Was in a relationship with a bpd/bipolar for 2 yrs . ( Didn't know this tho. ).the first 6 months were pretty good .but there were a slot of RED FLAGS !!! then one day  We had a disagreements about something .OMG!! There is no talking to these ppl.It wAs his way or the highway!! Just when you take the highway they tested you like nothing ever happened.you love them & feel sorry them and go back .and it all starts over again The Emotional Rollercoaster  ride never comes to a stop . it may slow down a little but it NEVER STOPS !!!.ALL YOU CAN DO IS JUMP OFF ! AND START  HEALING  ....

[mallory]

Good therapy isn't always available for borderlines.

[SuperAncie]

I have this disorder. And I have been in therapy for 6 years and single. And I have been working on myself so I can have a proper relationship. But your videos make it sound like its hopeless. Like i'll never get better. This doesn't sound like there is hope for people like me.

[colorfullyme]

I suspect I have BPD but no official diagnosis, and I generally found this video very good. I fell in love with someone who I suspect also has BPD, and it was indeed explosive. But I will comment on two things:

1) Around 9:00 you mentioned that someone with BPD with respond with rage if someone suggests they get therapy. From my experience, three different people told me to get therapy in loving ways, and in the moment I definitely felt rejected and defective, but my rage was focused inwards. I was able to simultaneously hear their genuine concern and am eternally grateful to them for caring enough to be honest with me. When I finally started therapy, I was very sporadic in the first few months until my therapist said "this will not help you if you do not commit to it." I started tearing up and told her it is so frustrating because I feel so broken and alone, but when I try to get help, even my therapist says I am not dedicated enough. It was a necessary wake up call though, and I have made good progress.

2) The other thing is that it is not very kind to refer to someone with a weak sense of self as an incomplete person. I am a complete person, just sometimes I am not aware of it and am not able to love my whole self. Underdeveloped? Certainly. But half an individual? No. In many ways I know myself better than people without mental health issues because I have wrestled with my identity so much.

[amberweaver]

I have BPD and everything he says is spot on. I had a horrible childhood. I never felt worthy or loved and I've always just had a deep need for that but this mental illness has ruined my life and it has ruined the lives of men who crossed my path because I've gone untreated. I don't want to be this way. I AM A half developed individual and there NEEDS to be stigma so that I am motivated to receive treatment. THIS IS NOT NORMAL. I want to love people the way they deserve to be loved.