Either Way, Fixating on Changing Your Partner Hurts You Both

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One way that childhood trauma hurts your ability to have a healthy relationship is by halting your emotional development. When your parents threaten and ignore you, you have only your child’s mind to interpret why they are doing this, and how to cope with it. Some people shut down emotionally, which obviously isn’t good for adult relationships later. And some people fixate on GETTING the love they are so hungry for. And even with a good partner they can’t really be present or FEEL the love they’re given because there’s an emptiness inside that they’re SURE their partner is causing. In this video, I respond to a letter from a woman who suspects that nothing her boyfriend does will ever feel like enough for her, and she’s questioning if the problem is her… or him.

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I am not a therapist or physician. My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.

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[youtube_username_]

13:23 "You cannot be parented again, you can't get that parent love again. What you didn't get as a kid, that window closed." And going on to talk about how a person is here now who is interested in having a relationship. Very good perspective to keep in mind.

[redwoods]

Just received your wonderful book in the mail! So glad I pre-ordered it. Congratulations Anna! Thank you for everything. You are helping thousands of people every day. Including me. I'm 69 and it's NEVER too late to heal. Love you. 💗

[Cybele]

I feel he’s overwhelmed and potentially a bit depressed. I think he sounds like a decent person. Most of the examples she gives he is telling her he is just physically or emotionally tired. So, it’s this push-pull where she is needing a lot when they’re together and he wants to make her happy but doesn’t want to tell her when it’s getting too much.

[ianfeuerhake]

It’s possible that he was overwhelmed by spending a lot of time with her family, and stayed in bed all day to avoid them

[NikkiEdmunds]

I hate to admit this but I’ve never felt love from any guy I was ever with. A horrible situation to be in. I can identify so well with this woman. Honestly.

[victorkimotho]

This feels like it's about a previous relationship I was in where I could never do enough, I ended up feeling like she had a template of the man she wanted me to be but I never matched up, despite being on a daily journey of self improvement, and having a daily checklist of how I could better show up for her. We attributed it to my ADHD and I made peace with that and I took responsibility for not being able to be more like what she needed

[amandalynn]

I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!"
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and spent the first 1.5 years absolutely smothering him then wondering why he closed up. I had a 9 day long panic attack(a ton of panic attacks one after the other, my body sweat out all of my potassium it was so bad, I went to the hospital, I'm okay now) and it made me hit the reset button my life/relationships. Since then, I have been staying at my own house and worrying about myself and it was like there was a wall keeping me from using the knowledge I've learned from you and others. Well the wall is gone and now I have a bigger sense of self than I've ever had.
Thank you so much for making these videos!

[fiction]

Anna helps me so much 😊 i am anxiously attached I think. What I get from a partner is never enough for me: i often feel
Dissatisfied
Disappointed
Sad
Angry
I want to improve them, help them, evolve together with them .... but that makes me act overly critical and unkind. I want a partner who is just as interested in bringing the relationship forward as me. But in reality, that would put a ton of pressure and expectations on my shoulders ! 😅 I wouldnt like that and it would be not good for me.

I see how my partner makes little steps forward and still, I feel not satisfied!?! So clearly I need to work on my mindset, not on my project / partner. This is childish, to always be so demanding. I really want parenting from him and that is not cool 😅🙄

[stacyjaye]

Yeah I know how it feels to do everything for someone and give them your all and then have them criticized the way you cut tomatoes! 💔

[AsherahYamma]

Wow Anna! This is a super important video!!! Her situation and openness about it, and your response that packed in so much compelling information, insights and wisdom. I feel enlightened and reinspired for my own marriage dynamics. THANK YOU for everything. Three years and counting, you and CCF and the DP continually change my life❤️❤️❤️

[babaganouche]

This letter could have been written by me and I know it is hurting my relationship. This videos was exactly what I needed right now.

[cyberprincessia]

thank you for this. i am in this exact situation right now and needed to hear all of this. just found your channel and you’re already changing the way i view my relationships.

[amandalynn]

I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!"
Thank you

[BareLux]

I just received my book yesterday. I am referring all of my friends and clients that need this. Thanks for all that you do.

[IanuaDiaboli]

I hope this video will save my relationship. I understand Ariel so much and sometimes I don’t know where it’s me being unreasonable or him not liking me “enough”. I hate this limbo.

[coach_amy]

I really feel for "Ariel." Regardless of childhood wounds coming up, I hope she learns to honor her unique needs and that she won't settle for a relationship which doesn't meet her needs (which is tough, because it could mean not having a relationship for a while).

Settling in relationships tends to mean we usually are either trying to change the other person, or we are trying to fix ourselves to be able to tolerate the relationship. No longer settling and willing to be alone, in and of itself, is incredibly powerful and healing. It's really difficult too (I'm doing it now)--but if you stick it out, it will force you into truly caring about yourself and making yourself much less susceptible to settling for someone just because he/she can help you in ways you thought you couldn't help yourself. During that time, I recommend having a therapist or support group.

Anxious attachment behaviors can come on full-force with someone who doesn't have the same needs and desires. If he is truly isn't an "anxious attachment, : then ethically, he ought to tell her he can't or doesn't want to meet her relationship needs.

When picking a partner (let alone, a friend), first observe how they live, their habits, choices, behaviors.

For example, I wouldn't pick someone glued to his/her phone or who is hooked on social media beyond intellectual and growth podcasts such as this one.

(I was married to an emotionally-detached person for years. Dealing with him helped me learn to calm down my emotions because he just wouldn't have it. But it didn't change my deep emotional needs. Ideally, Ariel won't tolerate that type of relationship and will learn to regulate herself, such as with The Daily Practice and running things by a therapist or an aware and mature friend.)

[terylteeter]

Wow-so many take aways from this video. Top three for me were: 1. Your definition of co-dependent was so simply stated to the point of immense clarity of my behavior as a kid.
2. Silent treatment was used on me from my Mom and it really messed me up because she did it not to punish my actions, but when I was sharing an observation. I always felt unsafe when talking to mom, never knowing what may set her off.
3. Your statement that our parenting phase is not coming back, that window is closed. That was powerful to hear.

Your Daily Practice and now your book is key to understanding myself since my parenting phase left me with gaping holes.
I am forever grateful to you and your sharing.

[heatherariza]

Yeah this is helpful and gives me hope. Trying to have a relationship with a fearful avoidant and im anxious preoccupied for sure.

[auberthere]

My father used to sleep a lot when he came home from work and also on the weekends and it drove my mom crazy. Once I started getting to an age where I was having the same symptoms, I realized it had nothing to do with his wants and desires to sleep it. It had to do with a health issue because I started feeling an overwhelming exhausted tiredness that i couldn't control. It gots to the point where I would have to spend At least one day out of the week And I usually did it Sundays To sleep all day. If I didn't sleep on Sunday by Tuesday I would call in sick because my body hit a wall and I couldn't go any further.

[cynthiahoag]

The first lesson I learned in Alanon was: you can't change the alcoholic. The younger you are when you learn you can't change other people, the better. Also, the guy sounds wiling to learn. Woohoo! Celebrate that. Is he perfect? No. But, as the fairy said, it sounds like the relationship has good bones to start with. Not bad for a first romantic relationship; way better than some of my stinkers of relationships.