10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes

Need a laugh? Comfortable laughing at yourself and not taking life too seriously? Here are ten Catholic Jokes that are sure to give you a chuckle!

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[buntug]

A Jesuit, Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along the road debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.
The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight God born in such poverty.
The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.
The Jesuit, walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder and said, so where are you thinking of sending the kid for school?

[drmadjdsadjadi]

Said to be a true story: A journalist asked Blessed John XXIII (pope from 1958 to 1963) how many people work in the Vatican, the pope paused, thought for a bit and replied, “About half of them.”

[irishstew]

I go to the Star War's convention each year, and I am always on the look-out for other Catholics. Do you know how to find them out? I scream out, and say, "May The Force be with you!" Then, I wait and listen to hear someone scream back: "And, also with you"

[s.a.msacredaltarmusic]

From my recently deceased Dad who answered my question on praying unceasingly in his usual colorful and profound way:
There was once a boy who liked to pray on the toilet. One day, the devil tempted him, ” How disrespectful! You shouldn’t pray when you’re on the toilet.” The boy replied, “What goes up is for God, what goes down is for you!”

[mrs.g.]

I remember that joke, "Jesus is watching you"! BTW, I remember being in second grade in parochial school when the nun teaching us our catechism drew a picture of a dove on the blackboard and mentioned the Holy Paraclete. As I was only six and not used to big words, I was mystified. I raised my hand and asked, "Sister, why do you call Him the Holy Parakeet when he looks like a pigeon?" Sister tried not to laugh out loud!

[drmadjdsadjadi]

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.
One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, “Thou shalt not kill.”

[scottguitar]

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car. He says: "Have you been drinking?" "Just water, " says the priest. The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[joseywales]

A Catholic School History teacher was teaching the class about Henry VIII and his break with the Catholic Church of Rome when he wanted to Annul his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, his first wife, to marry Anne Boleyn. The teacher looked around the classroom and saw Johnny aimlessly looking out of the window, obviously not paying attention. "Johnny!" The teacher exclaimed "What nationality was Catherine of Aragon?" Johnny replied "Irish, Sir!" The teacher exclaimed, angrily "Irish, what makes you think that Catherine of Aragon was from Ireland?" Johnny answered "Well, with a name like Catherine O'Faragon she'd hardly be anything else!"

[kichigan]

I'm a proud Catholic. My family, grandma and her grandma, before her were Catholics and my house was full of Catholic jokes prayers full of wisdom. I truly appreciate this.

[tomcha]

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi were in emergency room. The preacher, with his leg in a cast, said, "I'm here because I tried to convert a bear in the mountains. I ran after him yelling scripture verses and singing hymns. He didn't like it one bit. How about you?" The priest, with casts on his legs and arms, replied, "That's nothing. I tried to bless him with holy water and oils. He didn't like that at all and this is how I ended up." Then they both looked at the rabbi who was in full body cast and asked how he ended up there. The rabbi simply responded, "I tried to circumcise him...."

[drmadjdsadjadi]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[AndrielleHillis]

Little Johnny was struggling in math at his public school, so his parents decided to try this one Catholic school they had heard about. Almost instantly, Little Johnny started working harder on his math homework than ever. In fact, he got an 'A' on his first report card, something he had never done before. So, they asked him about it. He responded, "Well, when I got there one of the first places they took me was this large room. In the very front of this room was a picture of a guy nailed to a weird-looking plus sign. It was then that I knew this place was serious about math."

[lindahandley]

You are a precious and special young man. You've brought some fun and light into our lives in these awful times! God will bless you! Thank you!

[hermionemuller]

A Catholic priest asks a Jewish rabbi: when will you finally start eating pork?
The rabbi replies: at your wedding.

[mossy]

An Irish girl moves out. She comes home in an expensive car and a fur coat. Her mother asks where she got all these things from, she whispers in her ear and the mother bursts into tears. The girl hurriedly whispers more, and the mother stops crying. ‘Oh thank God, I thought you said you became a Protestant.’

[SaintCharbelMiracleworker]

😂 The "protestant" one made me think of Professor Roy Schoeman the Jewish convert. Before he converted he said he went to a monastery in France. He sat in on their daily life of prayer, working the gardens, sewing etc. The monks were silent 6 days of the week but on Thursdays they were allowed to talk, the monks approached him and said, "we have seen you here and was wondering which faith tradition are you from, we were only told that you aren't Catholic". Roy said nervously "Oh I'm Jewish", they responded "Thank God, for that we thought you were Protestant".

[efandmk]

My favorite is an oldie that everyone knows. A crowd was preparing to stone an adulteress when Jesus walked up and said "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". From the back of the crowd, a single stone was hurled bouncing off the woman's head. Jesus placed his hands upon his hips and said loudly, "MOTHER!!! I've asked you to stop doing that!!!"

[dariodiscipulo]

I couldn’t stop laughing out loud that I woke up my protestant wife at 1:00 AM! Haha! Thanks so much for the laughter and inspiration, Fr. Casey! God bless you more!

[thor-]

Here's a favorite: "There was an order of cloistered nuns that took a vow of silence, except that every five years, they could go and kneel before the abbess one at a time during chapter and speak. One year, Sister Polycarp told the abbess, "My bed is hard." Five years later, Sister Polycarp told the abbess, "The monastery is cold." After another five years she said to the abbess, "The roof leaks", at which point the abbess threw up her hands in despair and said, "Enough Sister Polycarp! All you do is complain, complain, complain!"

[johncarsone]

Thank you Friar, You made my day! As a Secular Franciscan I'm happy always to see unabridged Franciscan joy!!!