The Surprising Reason Why Women Leave Good Men

Women leave good men, men who are good providers, good husbands and good fathers because they miss one critical thing. If you're a man who learned to suppress your emotions, that suppression may be the reason she left the marriage.

If you want to stop the pain of divorce, regain your confidence and move forward with purpose, hope and energy, then I can help.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Watch the FREE Masterclass: How to Take Back Control Of Your Life After Divorce

Get the FREE Better Beyond Divorce App

Join the Better Beyond Divorce Course & Community:

Your divorce can either be the nail in your coffin, or it can be the catalyst you use to finally confront and heal your emotional wounds so they don't handicap you in relationships. You can become the best version of yourself and take control of your future.

*Additional Resources*
Free Masterclass: HOW TO TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE AFTER DIVORCE

Guide: Emotional Stages of Divorce for Men & How to Heal within Each Stage

Dating After Divorce Checklist: Are you ready to date after your divorce?

*Work with Me*

*Helpful Books for Divorced Men* (affiliate links)
► The Full Body Presence - Gives gentle, accessible exercises for somatic processing of emotional pain and trauma

► The Upward Spiral: Using Neuroscience to Reverse the Course of Depression, One Small Change at a Time

► Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself - Concrete tools and exercises for rewiring the brain and reimagining your sense of self and purpose

► Legendary - Inspiration and a powerful perspective for stepping into your potential

► The Myth Of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture - Brilliant, in every way. This is an amazing resource for understanding yourself and your ex wife and finding the clarity or compassion you need to forgive.

► Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Help - Intense and well researched. I would recommend this book when you are past the early stages of divorce and have a stable support system in place.

I’m Rachael Sloan, Master NLP Practitioner, certified life coach, and the creator of Better Beyond Divorce. I've helped hundreds of men move past the shock, betrayal, grief and anger they experience both during and after a divorce, to a place of clarity, calm and confidence. I hope to help you do the same.

DISCLAIMER: I am a Master NLP Practitioner and personal growth mentor. The material in this video represents my understanding and experience and nothing more. This content is not meant to replace professional medical advice, treatment or diagnosis. Always consult your medical provider before making any changes to your treatment.

Why do women leave good men?

This is one of the top questions I get asked as a divorce recovery coach. Many of my clients come to me confused. They were good husbands. They were faithful. They worked hard. Made good money. They were great fathers.

And yet she left.

Why?

If you've been following you know I've been focusing on emotional security. But there is another element at play here, and that is the fact that many men learn to suppress their emotions in order to succeed.

This might not seem like such a big deal, yet it is often the root cause for divorce.

The problem with emotional suppression is that when you do it, it probably works well most of the time. It helps you succeed in your career and it helps you stay in your logical, rational brain. So you may very naturally expect other people to do the same.

But when you expect someone else to suppress what they feel they often interpret that expectation as rejection, not an expression of love.

None of this is your fault. You didn't choose to suppress your emotions, and you didn't know how she was really feeling when you expected her to do the same. But if you take the time to become curious and more aware, understanding these ideas will help you avoid painful disconnection in the future.

[keywestfan]

Horseshit. The reason she leaves is because of unhappiness in HERSELF. And she manifests that unhappiness by projecting it onto the husband as him being the source of that unhappiness. It’s a complete lack of insight on her part as herself being the internal source of her unhappiness. And beat down after beat down, not understanding why his wife is unhappy and not being able to fix it because it is impossible, a man eventually shuts down.

Stop perpetuating this dribble. Advice from a woman on how to salvage a relationship is like asking a fish how to catch it.

And this notion of men not showing emotion is nonsense. Practically every successful man has done so through fiery emotion and passion. We just don’t channel emotion in irrational ways. We don’t slash tires or burn clothes or boil bunnies in pots. When we have an emotional crisis, we channel it into our careers and purpose, into the gym, etc.

Women when unhappy- “I need to find myself”

Men when unhappy- “I need to improve myself”

[mikewoods]

What I am hearing is that it is normal and acceptable for women to remain emotionally immature and erratic and that men must cater to this.

[Leslie-esij]

My marriage was over because of her emotional disconnection, I got hurt at work, ended up being disabled, she had me spend all my settlement money, allowing me to believe that I was investing in our future, only to have her say that she was too young to be with a disabled guy. And she asked me to leave, I left that day, not one to hang around where I'm not wanted. A year later she calls, sobbing about how she made a mistake. Yeah no kidding, but told her that there was no way I would consider it. She's still mad and confused.

[jimheidl]

What went wrong was my wife was a coward and ran away from her demons instead of accepting real love.

[edwardo]

My ex-wife was incapable of emotional intimacy. Utterly. My fault for ignoring the red flags and marrying her. While I know this is commonly a problem with the men, isn't it about time the world wakes up to the fact that more often with marital issues, the script has flipped?

[AnnulmentProof]

"Emotional intimacy #1" = the definition of marriage is "whatever she feels."

[woodchipwedgie]

I think your main point came in at about minute 15:30. When men focus on a particular issue using logic while a woman uses emotion, the man sometimes asks the wife to put the emotion aside so that they can address the issue logically and not emotionally. If this happens, the woman feels that what she is bringing to the table is being rejected and it is devestating. This is kind of b.s. because couples really do need to be able to shift gears and set emotion aside to solve problems rationally. If this is the reason why women leave men, it is b.s. If a man constantly asks the woman to close up her emotions that of course is a problem, but if a man is shocked at a wife wanting a divorce, there is a really good chance that he loves her and wants her to feel comfortable sharing her emotions, and a committed couple is duty bound to sort these types of communication issues out. It is not acceptable to blow things out of proportion and play the victim, because sometimes as a couple, solving real problems requires that you take your head out of your ass and set emotions aside.

[dag]

they want u to be all emotional there, but Criticize you when you share your first vulnerability …. the entire world of relationship is all upside down, truly…. it’s alway the man’s fault and that what the women believe .

[Kauwa]

I did suppress my emotions. It's how I was raised by my Grandad. He was married for 75+ years. The last few years of my marriage I was encouraged to share my emotions. Now divorced almost one year. I kinda think I should have keep my emotions to myself.

[jimindiveri]

i always thought that too many emotions would drive your lover away. i was wrong. it’s all about emotional connection with women.

[Dj.D]

What happens if as a man you're trying to be a good listener, supportive, trying to be understanding to a woman's emotions, who you really like/love especially if they are very personal problems? Often times these are the "nice guys". The man wants to be her hero, be her best friend, deeply cares about her needs; especially if she's been hurt by other men? But she still puts him in the friend zone or rejects his love later on, and often she chooses a bad boy or emotionally distant man who barely loves her. It's happened to me and many men enough times where it just feels like we can't care that much about her feelings, needs, and other requirements anymore. It sometimes feels as though we lost a part of ourselves. More men lately feel they need to focus more on themselves and their goals and that a woman's problems usually aren't worth putting up with. A growing number of men are choosing foreign women because they are more likely to be loyal and create less emotional drama. 

It often feels safer as a man sometimes to just not love a woman too much or be that vulnerable.

Also, many women do get emotional over such petty things to the point that even mature women will wonder what is she thinking? What's a guy to do in situations where a woman is worrying about something that most people wouldn't worry about? There's so many situations where it's appropriate to tell a woman to stop worrying so much or that she's overreacting, which often is also appropriate to tell a man who is upset over something not that serious.

[BikeRiderReviews]

Your videos can be difficult to watch because the truth can be hurtful. There are so many of these types of videos on YouTube where it's just basically the default M.O of putting all the blame on the man. However, your observations and advice is always very neutral and objective. Watching this video, I realised you described me in detail all the way through. It was a tough watch. I now understand so much clearly now that most of the things I was so confused about before. I now at least have a direction to start moving in to get out of this paralysis. The one thing I may add though, there is a difference between having your wife leave you when no other individuals are involved to having her cheat on you and betray you. You could argue she cheated because of all the things you mention in this video but from a good man's perspective, no matter how bad things ever got, no matter how much he is hurting he would never cheat or betray his wife and for me this is the major difference between men and women. A good man will always put his wife before everything, including himself. The fact that the majority of us didn't understand or know what we were doing wrong doesn't condone the fact that women will take the selfish route out of cheating. Even after being hurt and cheated on a lot of men will still want to work the relationship out but the woman just switches off, disregards a relationship of many years as in my case of 25 years not showing an ounce of remorse or regret. Emotionless and cold. However I come away from this video knowing I will have another relationship with someone new, and I will be able to trust again because I won't make the same mistakes as I did before by being emotionally shut down. I also know that if I am cheated on again it will not be my fault. That as a good man you cannot control or change the nature of someone who has poor integrity. If you really want to be with someone and are able to show them that you love them and connect and understand their emotions then if they still cheat and leave they simply weren't worth your love.

[odd-]

As of today, I am divorced. Judge signed it at 9:30 this morning. I’m just now, while watching this video, understanding why she would go find someone else after 25 years together. I am a logical person who thrives on being a man who is there.
I have always been told I’m not allowed to show my emotions, so when they come out, they are usually intense.
Today, I watch this and remember her saying that I don’t show or understand her emotions!

[dwest]

Thank you Rachael for this video. As I listened I gained more clarity into my own situation. My wife of 21 years just told me this week that she wants a divorce. Although I am very sad, I understand why. I have suppressed my emotions and intimacy from her for a very long time (maybe the entire marriage).

Instead of connecting with her emotionally, I was hyper-focused on being "the provider". I worked/work a lot of hours and we have financial security. I do my part at home with chores and other household things. I believe I am a great dad. These were all the things I was taught by my dad. You know "how to be a man" and "what men do".

Upon reflection, I wish I would have be more aware of what she needed from me. It seems so obvious now, but after all this time her heart is closed and I understand that. Of course I feel terrible about it (although again I was just doing what I was taught). Now we move on... we've agreed to a collaborative divorce, sharing custody, and trying to be the best parents we can for our son. Rachael, trust me I will work on making changes to not repeat the mistakes I've made. Thank you again.

[bradpreece]

Thanks Rachel, you make some really good points. If a man suppresses his own emotions, chances are he will suppress hers too. That makes sense.
On flipside however, i hear from countless women complaining that good men are just too needy.
So basically, when a man is OK to talk about his own emotions, he's friendzoned by her.
That's a huge red flag in my opinion. All women have needs. To keep a woman, you must understand her, but when a man in return shows emotion, has needs and wants to be understood too, he's just "too needy".
Any woman that calls a man too needy but wants all her needs met at the same time, is a self centred woman and a red flag.
Why do so many relationships fail?
Relationships are a giving and sharing thing, and if one or both believe its all about them, that relationship WILL ultimately fail.
People nowadays are just too selfish.

[Nad-.]

Hi Rachael, thanks for this video, I can relate to it on a very deep level. You touch on important topics such as toxic masculinity and some sort of unconscious gaslighting.

On the gaslighting, we as men indeed try to fix things because we are the traditional providers, which comes across as rejecting how they feel. What I've learned is that very often its just enough to be there and listen effectively rather than always try and find solutions, to empathise and normalise rather than alienate by saying 'this is how you should feel or look at it'.

Ultimately it all boils down to emotional intelligence for the individuals involved and its great that you put this out in the open for understanding and for further exploration.

In the months preceding my separation/divorce, my ex wife would tell me she couldn't connect with me, in the way she connected with other ppl.

Some couples might work through this, while some opt out, maybe its not the only reason also. Sometimes there are so many reasons that it all becomes very difficult to understand, lol. It's all good, maybe it also simply means there is somebody out there with whom we can connect better.

Keep up the great work Rachael, I've been following your videos since last November and they have been so empowering, especially in the darkest of times when it was all so confusing. And for all those going through divorce, it's ok, we all make mistakes, don't lose hope, every dog has its day😆

[danielmejia]

Rachel, thank you so much for this video.

My marriage is about to be over because of my emotional disconnection with my wife. I’m literally standing in limbo where I don’t know if she’ll forgive me and give me another chance or she has made her mind and decide to go through a divorce.

Your video has help me, and will help me after if she decides to divorce me.

[randomdude]

Amazing.... it's STILL his fault. Gents just walk away

[urbanart]

My wife could never express her emotions. Daddy issues. Her dad wasn't a nice father. Red flag I ignored before marrying her

[JohnT]

could someone please tell me what emotional intimacy is? When do you succeed at reaching emotional intimacy? All I tried to do with listening or understanding just made things worse. Criticism and anger and threats from wives is not really the best way to achieve emotional intimacy. No one likes to hear what a failure they are. Home is where you are suppose to feel safe and you begin to wonder if anyone likes you.