Should I Have Kids Or Not? How To Decide If You Want Kids

Do you want to have kids?

For some people, the answer is crystal clear and easy.

And for others, it’s a devastatingly complex question.

Today we’re going to give you our best tools to help you figure out your answer.

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Hi! We’re Vanessa and Xander! We specialize in helping people stop feel so embarrassed about sex, and start having way more fun in the bedroom. We’ve been affectionately nicknamed “that sex couple” by our followers for our frank discussions of the modern challenges faced by modern couples.

Vanessa is a licensed psychotherapist. She studied human sexuality at Brown University, has written for The New York Times, Allure, and Lifehacker, and has been featured thousands of times by publications like O, The Oprah Magazine, Real Simple, Refinery29, New York Magazine, Rolling Stone, Buzzfeed, and many more. And Xander is a regular dude who left a cushy career in Tech once he realized it was more fun to talk about sex with his wife all day.

Together, we have the unique ability to make you laugh while giving you the courage to talk about sex and relationships in ways you never have before!

#havekids #havingkids #childfree #childfreemarriage #nochildren #childless #children #longtermrelationship #marriage #heterosexual #therapy #relationships #talkaboutsex #sex #sextherapy #communication #expectationsvsreality #ltr #relationshiphealth #sexualhealth #talk #sexandrelationships #sexpectations #romantic #romance #sexy #sexhacks #sexandintimacy #relationshiphacks #communicationhacks

[laurenneisinger]

Thank you for this video! We are completely split between Y and N on this. It is such a huge decision and one we don’t take lightly. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know how we will ever decide and feel good about it.

[Aris-Darling]

I never wanted kids, and it is a lot of pressure now that I’m in a stable relationship and at the age where it’s “my last fertile decade.” I feel that the world is not entirely accepting yet of women who DO NOT want the childbirth and motherhood experience. There’s a lot to consider on your own, people don’t need pressure from outside on top of it all. I appreciated that you mentioned how people with and without children do not need to be enemies.

[anabel]

Thank you for this. I often feel lonely with my decision not to have children as my friends around me begin having families, I too often feel there is something "wrong" with me or my husband and begin to question our decision not to as if I'm somehow missing out. Thanks for normalizing our decision :)

[MichaelBurnsGuitar]

Gut instinct has always been yes but logistics and cost of living are making me lean towards no... plenty of studies show happiness is unaffected and there's no guarantee they they'll stick around after they've grown up.

[acertainthing]

One suggestion to help "find your why": challenge yourself to do the "5 whys exercise" to dig deeper into your thinking. This will uncover deeper motivations you may not have considered.

[FriskyTendervittles]

I’m turning 40 this year
I’m plagued by this decision. Growing up I always figured I’d have them and now I’m so undecided and it’s stressing me out

[Paws]

I've known since i was 10, i didn't want children. I told my partner when we started dating (13 yrs ago). Im in my late 30's now, and have no regrets... I've been called selfish ect ... But if I've know since i was 10, and 💯 never wavered from my decision, so is that selfish? I think not. 😊. Side note: I live in BC Canada, and at this point basic living is unattainable for many working canadians. I wouldn't want the struggle, to raise a child and not be able to provide. It furthermore validates my choice.

[ItWillRainXO]

Thank you for this conversation!! Don’t want kids at all and very happy with my decision!

[tekeiraatkins]

I don’t think kids are for me but I’m giving myself to come to terms with it because of society.

[christinachristina]

I am 19 and I can't wait to have kids. It is something I really want and I and I don't follow the norm. I just follow my heart.😊

[quinnwoolsey]

How do you always know what I am struggling with in my relationship?! Thank you for this video. I have always wanted kids but I stress about the environment and brining kids into this world so my husband and I are always back and forth...

[kennedy]

I think this video has helped me realize that I'd be happy with both outcomes! Maybe there isn't a right and wrong answer like I assumed. Honestly, I think there are amazing and challenging aspects to both lifestyles, but just because you might love one option doesn't mean you wouldn't also love the other.

[JoshMcSwain]

Thank you for your videos explaining why you've chosen not to but also acknowledge there's good reasons for both sides.

For me, it comes down to this: do you (meaning anyone) want to see what a human you create will ultimately become? For me, the answer is no. I have many side interests and serve in my community and acknowledge a child would take time and money away from that.

Also, some women that I've dated have brought up kids and I had a reaction that could be described as terror. Those two things swayed me away.

[ishitapal]

Hi, thanks for all the perspectives you shared, helping out couples who are in a dilemma. I'm 31 years old and have been married for 1 year now. so, this obvious topic came up to our life and one thing that scares me most is the physical pain and changes as a woman you feel during this whole childbearing process and I couldn't find any video or discussion on that regard. Am I the only person who has this fear and counts this reason along with other reasons to not have a baby? Please can someone add something to this point? I have never been admitted to a hospital or gone through any surgery etc. fortunately, so it really freaks me out thinking of all the cut and stitches, blood and pain and the physical changes😢

[DonJam-mf]

I didn’t trust my gut and married the wrong person. Now I regret it. My gut tells me not to have kids and that s what I am doing

[devilskinn]

I am leaning towards NO for me, but I do love children and would like to have many children in my life. Childfree does not have to mean childless on all fronts.

[michalisGT]

In every chapter of my life I did everything I wanted to do and not what others want....and I had a beautiful life with long term relationships with the girls I wanted and nothing less...but after 30 (and I knew that time will come years before) all the conversations are close to marriages, kids everywhere.... people that you didn't hear for them with no life ...after the get kids you see them everyday posting everywhere #happyfamily, #myeverything and all kind of the same things as everyone with no life before do.

So to me...I don't want in my society not have kid's is a sick option...I don't care about the society but every girl I met in those ages ....cares about or can't go against the So now I find a girl the already has a kid so not to push me have one....

In conclusion I would like to live without kids in my life but the girls out there not wanted to or not pushed to are very very that's my best decision even if I prefer not have kid's in my mind at all.

I want your opinion and you are very lucky not both want kids and live the adventure of life at its full.

[aquamarinedream]

I debated for years and now I have a daughter & planning for one more.

[peachymelanin]

Leaning closer to N…….but not totally sure

[ilianaboheme]

Totally! Gut decision now it’s...N.Thank you ;)