Kids don’t always make you happier. Here’s why people have them anyway. | Paul Bloom

This interview is an episode from The Well, our new publication about ideas that inspire a life well-lived, created with the John Templeton Foundation.

We have a biological impulse to produce and nurture children.

But the negatives of having children are obvious: cost, anxiety, sleepless nights. Research even shows that children don't make our lives happier, overall. So, why do we continue to have them?

The answer may be about something far deeper than happiness: meaning. Parents tend to report having more meaningful lives than non-parents. Indeed, very few parents regret having children.

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About Paul Bloom:
Paul Bloom is the Brooks and Suzanne Ragen Professor of Psychology at Yale University. An internationally recognized expert on the psychology of child development, social reasoning, and morality, he has won numerous awards for his research, writing, and teaching. Bloom’s previous books include Just Babies: The Origins of Good and Evil and How Pleasure Works: The New Science of Why We Like What We Like, and he has written for Science, Nature, The New York Times, and The New Yorker.

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Read more of our stories on happiness:
Epicurus and the atheist’s guide to happiness
How to measure happiness: hedonia vs. eudaimonia
Happiness and why “happily ever after” is a myth

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[ChristopherRoss.]

The _weirdest_ response I consistently get when I tell people that my wife and I decided not to have kids, is "that's so selfish". I really do not understand this perspective. I can't even put into words how much it baffles me and doesn't make sense.

[LonelyCinderella]

If you say it out loud that you regret having your kids a lot of people will see you as a terrible person. So yeah I'm skeptical when it comes to asking parents.

[videt]

As a therapist, I can attest that a sizable amount of the suffering in the world is caused by people having children for the wrong reasons. Among my personal horror-favorites have been hearing "I'm going to have a baby so that I'll never have to be alone again" and of course the classic "Having children will solve the problems in the marriage" 🙄

[ig]

It took me 10 years to understand whether I want to have children or not (I am a woman in a loving relationship with a man for over 15 yrs). It was so confusing. Then I realised I was asking the wrong question. What helped me decide was this question: Are you ready to be a mother? In a deep sense of this word. I decided not to have children and am so happy about that. I believe people should be good judges of their emotional, financial and spiritual capacity to support another human being BEFORE having children. Too many assholes or children themselves are having children. We live in a mess and it is about time we started looking at it as a total responsibility. Just because we can procreate is not enough. We need to aim deeper. Every child deserves a loving and peaceful environment to grow in creativity and intelligence. The reality is far from that.

[Gabster]

Anyone who is fertile enough can have kids but I find it sad that there are irresponsible parents out there and then we are left to deal with the baggage of people who had abusive/neglectful parents.

[silviamaia]

The problem of asking people about their experience of having children is that most people will give you a positive spin on it even if it’s not true for fear of being judged or their kids ever find out how they really feel.
I think a lot of the changes on humans should happen before children and not after - you really need to know yourself and your demons before raising another human.

[yeyejen]

As a woman, I can't escape the feeling that I have so much more to lose by having children.

[tonyclemens]

In my early 60's, been together with my wife for almost 40. When we look back at our child-free life it's with relief.

[alexanderavanth]

While in my 20s many of my friends got children. I struggled with relationships and felt I was missing out and falling behind. Today I am in my 30s and feel life has opened up in a new way for me. My friends who had children in their 20s I no longer envy as half of them are divorcing while others are struggling with both children, their spouse and themselves. My fiance and I do want children, but it is not a condition to what we believe is a happy life. Meaning for us comes in so many forms, and I am lucky to have role-model friends who are parents who I can learn from.

[sarahsmith]

The best part of having kids is watching them grow into their own people and developing a loving relationship with them over time. I’ve adored my son since he was born but with every year that passes, my relationship with him deepens and becomes more meaningful as he becomes a more independent and autonomous individual capable of expressing his thoughts and opinions. Forgoing children is not like forgoing a luxury item or travel. It is like forgoing a lifelong familial relationship such as the relationships you have with your parents, aunts/uncles, siblings, cousins, nieces/nephews etc. I wish people understood that. Relationships are hard work and they can give you connection and meaning in life but they can also end badly. Parenting requires you to invest a large portion of yourself into people that you don’t know yet, it’s honestly kind of a gamble. If that’s a risk you’re willing to take, great! If you’d rather find meaning and fulfillment in your own way, also great! We all have our own unique viewpoints and circumstances, so what’s right for one person isn’t always right for someone else. Choose your own adventure, my dudes, and don’t judge others ✌️

[tricivenola]

There are plenty of people who regret having kids. But saying so out loud makes you seem a monster, and your kids might hear it, too. So people admit it privately. The kindest way I ever heard this expressed was "don't forget- you can't give them back once you have them."

[DjeauxSheaux]

I think having kids made my parents happy, but they were awful, terrible parents who absolutely should have not had kids. Life has been such a miserable experience for me that I can't imagine making another person to put through what I've been through.

[Pradeep_]

For me, I don't want to lose my freedom, take financial risks and also having to constantly worry about my kids. Sure in the long-term it could turn out well, but you will have to make lot of sacrifices. I don't think I want those changes in my life.

[lovepilie]

IMO, the one thing one should consider honestly, when wondering about having kids, is : "how much am I willing to accept someone else having the control of my life ?". Because in the end, your kid will come first EVERY day. No exception. And I don't mean it as a constraint : if you are a bit of a caring person, it is what you will do. 
I believe that if you are a very independant type of person, it is a huge thing to factor in !
I do see some parents using all the outside care they can because they don't want to give up on anything : their date nights, sport time, yoga lessons, demanding jobs, dinner with friend time etc... they barely make time for their kids. It is personaly quite a heartache to witness, and I often wonder why these people even bothered to procreate. Sometimes being a good parent is to choose not becoming one XD

[dahlia]

But something this video fails to touch on is considering what it’ll mean for the person you bring into the world. I feel like many parents don’t actually think of what it means to bring someone into the world - and it could be someone drastically different to you, someone who suffers a lot, someone who doesn’t even want to live…it’s a huge responsibility and isn’t just a matter of “oh yeah so cute let’s have kids and start a family”. I truly feel like most people who have kids don’t know or consider what it truly means and then you get kids with all sorts of issues. And honestly if I ever wanted kids it’d make more sense to me to help a kid who’s already struggling rather than bring my own child into the world just because I selfishly want a copy of myself (that may not even be a copy in any way)

[DrEnglander]

Who looks at humanity and thinks "wow, humanity is awesome! the world definitely needs more people in it" ?

[AletheAce]

A lot of people regret having kids, they just rarely or never admit it. It's such a huge taboo to admit that. I think too many people just have kids without REALLY thinking it through, and they just do because of base primal instinct, or "because that's what people do", or because they think it will magically make them happy and create meaning in their lives. The result is that we have millions in orphanages and millions neglected and even abused kids.

[Kristen-ekrz]

For me, I never knew such love as I did when I had my 2 children. Having said that, my childless friends have found their love with their pets or with an amazing career of service to we all find what nourishes us with love.

[tinamenon]

Having children has exhausted me to an almost unbearable point yet their wonder, growth, humour and sensitivity taught me about myself in a myriad of ways. Its more than either meaningful or purposeful, it fundamentally changed my experience of life.

I was still driven to achieve as i was pre children, driven with a thirst for knowledge and an unquenchable sense of independence, however my world became entwined with their prosperity to the point where their laughter was more heavenly to my ears than any sonata.

Equally the extremity of frustration was shocking.

However, having children precipitated a life of profoundly grateful service. This served me in also caring for my elderly father in his last years.

It was both magical, heartbreaking and yet poignant to see my toddler grow with curiosity, enlarged emotions and mobility and dexterity and yet my father week by week loose those abilities. Yet they both could communicate with smiles and hugs in a very pure way.

This i believe to be true whether these are your biological, foster or adopted children but all of those who are curious and sensitive enough to care and teach humans, animals & living entities of all ages.

Regardless of your religious belief, our innate selves benefit from service to the benefit and good of others.

Now, if one measures sucess by outcomes, then my only wish is for my children to be healthy, happy and driven with purpose which includes service to and for the good and benefit of others and themselves equally.

[gaillewis]

This showed up as an ad and I wanted to watch it again.

Two people I know - one a childhood friend and the other a college friend, confided in me that they regret having children. I think it has a great deal to do with the stability or lack thereof in their relationships. Struggling to get by and at the same time trying to be the glue that holds a family together can be emotionally taxing. My heart breaks for them. I'm also overjoyed for friends and relatives with happy marriages and well adjusted kids.