'Endless Celestial Sex' | Inside the Wacky World of Mormon Beliefs

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[activelyperformingmitosis]

I was raised mormon, I'm 17 now so I have no clue what they teach adults, but I haven't ever really heard anything about polygamy or "endless celestial sex" from the church itself. They do have a weird obsession with raising kids and misogyny.

My parents were devout mormon fanatics so I've absorbed quite a bit of information, and I'll use this chance to infodump

So mormons still do believe that you can become a god in life after death. Generally it is taught that both Heavenly Father and Mother lived on their own earth, and did all the steps that mormons teach today to gain their godhood. This is the first time I'm hearing about heavenly polygamy, but I assume any mention of polygamy was dropped when "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" came out in 1995. In this, it was stated that a marriage must be between a man and a woman. Anyways, so Heavenly Father and Mother passed their trial, became gods, and built this universe. They live near Kolob, and there are actually tons of other "earths" with our heavenly siblings also having their mortal test. That's what they refer to this life as, a test. There's only one Jesus though, so none of the other earths got a Jesus. We're just special little snowflakes for that one. I don't believe it is taught that God is Adam? I think he's his own guy now. So we all pitched in to make earth, Lucifer became Satan, 1/3 of heaven's population will never get a body. I have never heard of the neutral sides being cursed with dark skin? There's a whole separate cursing for that later down the line though.

So everything was made in 7 days blah blah blah, Adam and Eve sinned which is taught that it had to happen, and was part of God's plan. WHICH! This has always messed me up, God is omnipotent, knows past present and future, and yet, we still have agency? Like, the choices we make matter, but God said we were gonna do that anyways? Its set in stone but it's not its just weird and paradoxical. Anyways Adam and Eve got banned from the garden, and also because Eve sinned that's why pregnancy is painful. It was a punishment. Later on, Adam dies and is actually the angel Michael. Because we all have heavenly names that are different from our earthly ones. You gotta keep track of all those, its tough. The garden of Eden is believed to have been physically removed from the earth and will come back in the end times, in Missouri. Because that's where it is located, apparently.

Right so the Book of Mormon begins around 600 BC, in Jerusalem. Nobody likes prophets at all, so God's gonna throw a temper tantrum and destroy it. An old guy named Lehi prays on behalf of Jerusalem, and sees a vision, and then becomes a prophet. Naturally, Jerusalem didn't like that, and bullied him for his fever dream so Lehi and his family left. They were pretty rich, but didn't take anything with them. So they go over generally by the red sea- The family consists of Lehi, his wife Sariah, and their four sons Laman, Lemuel, Sam, and Nephi, who liked to journal. Eventually they have to go back to get some Brass plates from another rich guy, and God tells Nephi who's more righteous than his brothers, that killing is okay sometimes. So Nephi stabs the rich guy who is drunk, steals the plates, and borderline kidnaps rich guy's servant. Then Ishmael and his family also joins them.

Now Lehi has another vision, which is thrown around A TON in primary and sunday school (the church classes for the younger kids and teens), which is about the tree of life and the iron rod. Long story short, The Iron Rod is the Word of God, and you have to hold fast to get your fruit from the tree of life and people will be laughing at you all while you do so. After that Nephi has a second record we call the Book of Lehi, which had more of his visions and sacred things and all that, which Joseph Smith lost, and as punishment is now sealed and cannot be added to the Book of Mormon. They go on and on about prophecies and have a ton more kids in the wilderness and then one day they get a really funky looking compass which sits outside their tent, but it only works if everyone's being good. Nephi builds a boat, they go to the Americas, which mormons believe they landed in Chile, Lehi dies, and then they live in relative peace for about 40 years before the "Nephites" and "Lamanites" Split off from each other. Nephites were hard workers, and built cities, and lived righteously, and the Lamanites got cursed (here it is).

The actual quote from the scriptures on the website:
"And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.

And thus saith the Lord God: I will cause that they shall be loathsome unto thy people, save they shall repent of their iniquities.

And cursed shall be the seed of him that mixeth with their seed; for they shall be cursed even with the same cursing. And the Lord spake it, and it was done."

The mormons just collectively choose to ignore it, and pretend it isn't there.

Later down the line they have a king after being explicitly told not to, but it's okay because he's a good king and also a prophet, and stood in a tower and spoke for multiple days. People gathered in tents and that was like the first General Conference or something. It's like constantly being compared to general conference in primary.

Then you have Alma who was an important guy. Lots about him. Did normal prophet things. Preached here, preached there, gets thrown in prison, prison gets smited.
There was also Ammon, who I remember vividly, because he cut off like 7 arms- and there was an activity lesson, where we re-enacted it sort of? there were like arm-shaped cutouots of paper but like???? I'm 12?? what are you teaching me? That is how you are reaching godhood? Cut off people's arms?
Anyways

Then the Nephites had to go fight so 2000 young men, which were assumed to be 12-15 years old, went to fight and none of them died. Yay! We are supposed to be like them. Whole song about it too.

So Christ comes and visits the Americas, who had just had the worst three days of their lives, because after Christ died, there was like Earthquakes and just all sorts of bad stuff, tons of people died, mountains flattened and new ones made, basically the whole geography changed. Then he lets everyone touch his hands, and leaves.

Then people get mad at each other, and nearly kill each other off, and Mormon takes all the different individual records and puts them together. Hence why its called the book of Mormon. He throws in one at the end, which talks about the tower of Babel, which was a huge tower people made to try to climb to heaven but God didn't like that so he made everyone speak a different language except for Jared and his family. They also built boats and sailed to America, but these ones had glowing rocks that God touched himself. The Brother of Jared, or Mahonri Moriancumer, but just brother of Jared to be easier, prayed for god to touch the rocks and because he was a good boy he saw god's hand.

1/2

[PROOB-xqrq]

When you want to be a fiction writer but your 19th century father wants you to be a priest.

[truecamillec]

Whoever came up with Mormon mythology could probably fix the MCU💀

[stilltoomanyhats]

"Endless celestial sex" sounds like it should be the name of a 70s smooth jazz album

[manwhoismissingtwotoenails]

"were cursed to be born with black skin"
I'm sorry what🙋‍♀️

[mooniegoodie]

I love how the video specifies “mormon Jesus” every single time!
Like “There is normal Jesus, and then there’s MORMON Jesus”

[EndInformation]

Scientology wishes it got this level of writing.

[CellBiter]

my favorite part was where he said "its mormon time" and mormed all over the place

[ghostophelia]

Joseph smith: exists
Rosetta stone: "imma bout to ruin this mans entire career"

[youcantsay]

I have to admit....you didn't even need to show the cartoon to convince me to convert.
You had me the moment you mentioned 'Magic Underwear ' 😇

[AichaCT]

The FREAKING BLASPHEMY OMG, my jaw is on the floor and i can't pick it back up.

[UndeadEggmiester]

Mormen mythology is amazingly nutts. This is easily some of the best sci-fi writing we have gotten

[Solarsystemrdffdfyyhh]

Damn celestial booty call! She opens the door and all he did was give her that look. No dinner, No movie, no ride, no walk around the mall, playa!

[tinkercat]

You missed the part about how he would drop an egg shaped rock into a hat and put his face in it and that’s how he “translated” the texts

[pokeslob]

The basic reason we don’t consider Mormons (or JWs) to be Christian is because the absolute minimum requirement to *be* Christian is to believe in the Trinity. You said it yourself, the Mormon god is fundamentally different from the Christian God.

[tpeters]

Sounds like Joseph Smith was basically L. Ron Hubbard, but 100 years earlier.

[DameFuegoAmor]

I knew a girl who left the JW religion to then jump into he Mormon one. One crazy belief to another

[calonstanni]

I like the way that their hair becomes all badass and spikey when they become demons! 6:24

[dougmurphy]

That look on Elohim's face when he comes knocking on Mary's door - priceless!

[humbledone]

No, Mormon’s are NOT Christians. They do not hold to the orthodox view of the Trinity, the prophets of the OT, Jesus’ teachings, etc. They “borrow” the name, but nothing about the cult is Christian.