Dating preferences: A very honest & open conversation

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And yet another personal video. Enjoy? Thank you in advance.

✦Part I for added context✦

✦timestamps✦
0:00 Introduction to Part II
1:28 Beauty is wig-deep | How your looks influence your treatment
5:01 "White guys..." | Preferences 1.0
10:29 Men & their earnings
14:43 R*cial preferences | Preferences 2.0
20:45 Chanel | Parasocial relationships & modern dating
27:06 R*cism: A human issue
32:09 [Conclusion] So, what are your dating preferences?

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#dating #relationships #preferences #datingapps #incels #datingproblems
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Dating is, by definition, discriminatory : you are attracted to people for reasons and characteristics that they mostly don't have any control of. Simple as that.

freddyvorace
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As an Italian guy, I really appreciate you poining out how people from the US tend to assume everything works in the same way it does in their country. It's really tiring and makes discussing issues with them that much more difficult

tavrincallas
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The first girl I was romantically involved with in high school very much fit my mental "prototype" of my personal dream girl. Tall, fair skinned, Irish looking, incredibly intelligent, intellectually curious and part of how we became interested in each other was with impassioned repartee in intellectual arguments. We were an absolutely awful couple and that made me realize fairly young that I had no idea what I actually wanted and that being open minded is the way to go.

sollamander
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Before I met my husband, i was told by multiple men that "If you weren't Black, you'd be perfect/girlfriend/wife material" which is why I tend to doubt that preference is simply not a choice. A lot of stereotypes and bigotry play into preference. I don't try to change anyone, but I don't trust them either.

witchplease
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“I want to marry the wrong person for the right reasons” is a deeply beautiful statement.

tehvonfowler-chapman
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Thank you for this video. Here's a quote for you: "Some people will only love you if you fit into their box. Don't be afraid to disappoint them." Love your courage.

SandraF
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I know you don't need to hear this, but I need to say this. You absolutely don't owe anyone an explanation on your hair or makeup. You are gorgeous regardless of superficial tweaks.

MsRainingDays
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It is unfortunate that speaking eloquently as a black person can be seen as someone "acting white" as if eloquence and class is restricted to a certain type of skin colour. There will always be people who abide by the "crabs in a bucket" mentality where they will try to pull down those that have broken the mould even though they had the same opportunity to do so. Relationships are a complex matter but one of the most important aspects of relationships is having shared values and this can only be determined by the individual who is seeking a partner. I agree that it is wise to avoid the new methods of dating and to stick with the good old fashioned in-person interaction as body language is crucial to assessing potential partners.

_shumba
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“Preferences are not choices.” This. I’ve interacted with many perfectly eligible men who fit right into my supposed “type” without being attracted to them, and as you said, the men I am attracted to usually don’t align with my pre-established preferences. I don’t know what makes me attracted to an individual, I can’t predict it, I can’t control it, and my attraction can’t be earned - and this leaves potential partners often confused and disappointed. Who can blame them?

kristinberthiaume
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Just wanted to say that I adore your thoughtful, stimulating presentations. Keep up the good intellectual fight and work, and I feel your pain on the challenges of dating and matching up with persons you are attracted to and who optimally would also find you attractive. Given who is single at any given time, access to those who would also be single and interested, etc. along with the complex emotional landscape of dating, it's a time, space, and available persons problem that sadly isn't easily resolved. Namaste.

OfficiallyUnofficialAlCooper
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I can definitely relate. I am a man who is considered attractive and I was celibate until I was 27. I was often told by my guy friends that I was crazy for not capitalizing on my looks and that I was too picky by my female friends. While there were plenty of women I found attractive there weren't many that I wanted to date. And the few I did often rejected me, for various reasons. If I wanted just sex I had that option but that on its own was never was what I was looking for. I think it is hard for people to understand in our "value" driven society what it means to truly desire relationship. I don't think many people understand how to let something develop and grow, relationship just seems to be one more set of milestones to achieve. I've also received a decent amount of flak for being black and dating outside of my race. But that was never a consideration for me, it was hard enough finding someone who wanted to take the time.

savagerockman
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People need to chill with projecting their version of reality onto others via YouTube comments. Especially when their reality is clearly full of a lot of unexplored assumptions.

Thanks for another great and thought-provoking video 👏🏾

richardhuckaby
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I'm glad you mentioned the thing about how a lot of people don't care about traditional success. I've found people are really judgemental and rude that I plan to keep working simple, low stress jobs until I feel I wanna do something else. In the meantime I focus on my art: writing, programming, and other miscellaneous stuff. Maybe one day I'll actually finish my game. Maybe one day one of my stories will be complete. At which point I'll probably sell them. And I don't expect much. Maybe 10 sales? Idrc. I just wanna share it. This confuses people. But I'm honestly going alright, aren't I? I'm in a good relationship, with a stable income, I live below my means with the only debt being a car payment, I have little to no stress at work because I just stock shelves, I get a flexible schedule, I get to worry about myself outside work. A lot of these things (especially the work related stuff) don't seem true for most people. I just don't care about breaking my back trying to get a "good job" just so I can work myself into the ground for some rich ass CEO. Some people genuinely enjoy that. But not me. I just wish people weren't judgmental about it.

Edit: thanks for the kind words, everyone. I didn't think anybody would read this. But I'll also say that it can be very difficult to turn off capitalist programming to just enjoy what you want to enjoy. I still feel a connection between my desire to do art and a feeling that if I can't make money of it, then I'm doing something wrong. Good luck to all of you!

goosewithagibus
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I feel you. It's such a turn off if a guy tries to sell himself through his salary, showing of with designer clothes and watches, his car, his social status or his leading position in company (good for him though), but not his person or character. Generally, I give a second try, because, maybe he just had insecurities on the first date. But if it continues in the second date... I am just not willing to deal with such people... I don't even know how to call this trait of this guys'

shiftit
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As someone who’s recently been hired on as a security guard, that little story about her ex gave me hope lmao. I’ve become kinda insecure about my financial situation even though I’m only 19, it’s nice to hear someone talking about liking someone for your shared connection to one another rather than all the rhetoric about ‘high value men’ and ‘luxurious respectable women’. The current state of social media discourse around relationships would lead many to believe all that matters for one is if you’re rich, beautiful, and DTF at the drop of a pen. It’s exhausting 😅

KickedBackL
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You're the first person I've ever heard say how much better they get treated with a weave. I experienced the same thing many years ago. In fact, the straighter the hair in the weave, the better people would treat me! It was stunning and totally unexpected. But I had a boyfriend back then who didn't like the weave, and preferred my natural hair, so I would only sometimes put one in and only a couple months at a time. I don't think people realize how much they judge people by their hair.

On the dating of types, that same boyfriend, my first fiance but not my eventual husband, remained friends with me for over a decade after we stopped dating. I met 2 of his girlfriends and then his eventual wife. They were all blondes, whereas I am caramel colored African-American. I asked him why he always dated blondes. He essentially said that was his type. So then I asked him why he dated me. His answer was, "Because you're you."

I'm happy to have helped him successfully court his eventual wife. Though we didn't remain friends after he married, I'll forever be grateful to him for just how deeply seen and affirmed he had the ability to make me simply as a person. He truly did not see race when engaging with me, even though he witnessed clear anti-black racism when with me multiple times. Even hanging out with his family, and his cousins using the N word to describe black people not present. He stuck by me with his family until they accepted me as someone about to become a part of the family. Though I broke it off with him for important reasons, it's good to be taught that your value goes beyond any boxes anyone might check.

goodwork
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I have always been highly skeptical of online dating or otherwise "online-grown" relationships. You don't truly know someone fully until you know their physical person.

MFKitten
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Hey gorgeous sis... You don't owe people an explanation. It's unfortunate that black women are criticized for liking any other race besides black men... They attacked your hair and makeup because they assumed black women get hurt by such comments... Stay strong and go where you're loved not tolerated ❤️...

ruemissm
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i’ve become so cynical that i’m trying to be as least attractive as i can to men.
i became cynical when i was abused at home and faced relentless xenophobia, colorism, and bullying from everyone outside. i grew up feeling hated by everyone around me over things i couldn’t control. when my body matured, i was still hated but sexualized. i prayed to look different to be accepted, but i knew i was beautiful, at least in my culture, but knew nobody else would think so.
but if i were white or lighter skinned, i could attract men that are racist or colorist without knowing. what do men who remove other peoples humanity treat their preferences?
i don’t want to meet them, and if my dark skin rejects them, that’s fine. after attracting unwanted attention from men when wearing wigs, i decided to wear my short stringy 4c hair out to literally top it off.
after hearing of diogenes the cynic, i decided to get used to the idea of people hating me by actively choosing to do what they hate.
i had no choice but to be cynical after being shat on by the world. but i want girls that look like me to be successful. instead of putting my features on a pedestal, i’m simply normalizing them until people don’t notice.
as i got older people thought i was beautiful. regardless, preferences impact how people are treated and it’s a system where it’s understandable to partake in, i simply won’t.

being cynical is seen as a negative thing, but for the first time in my life i can accept who i am because of it.

niloticnya
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“Let’s be more empathetic to one another” - Amen sister. Couldn’t agree more. The audacity of these people thinking they know you and making all sorts of assumptions that are so off.

indrinita