Stop Asking “How are you”

“How are you” is a common phrase that we have been using when we greet or ask someone how he/she is doing. I am inviting you to watch this video and positively improve your brain and conversation. Stay tuned and stop asking “how are you”.

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Key Moments in this Episode
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00:00 Context
01:26 “How Are You Doing”
02:11 How To Ask Questions
03:45 How To Add Intention To Your Question
04:56 What Are The Alternatives
06:28 How To Make Intentional Conversations

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Nate Woodbury - YouTube Producer

#Connection
#ConversationsThatMatter
#EngageToEducate

[ghogarth]

I'm reminded of that beer ad that had everyone in it asking "Howya doin'?" 😆

[coreyhence]

Just lost our 21 week old baby girl. I can resonate with this.

[CaelanHuntress]

"'How Are You?' is a....personal question, " my Danish friend told me. "It's so weird that Americans want to know this about me all the time." When I went to an international theatre school in a tiny town Northern California, clowns and acrobats from all over the world came to spend a year together. As one of the host Americans, I was fascinated to hear what they thought of our culture, and our constant nagging 'How are you?' was one of the things they could not abide.

"I was in the grocery store, " a friend from Finland said, "and the girl at the desk asked me 'How are you?' so I told her I was tired, because I just had this long flight, and I was feeling anxious, because I had to get food with weird money and then go meet all these strangers, and she was just staring at me. I realized, she didn't want to know how I was doing at all. She was just saying hello." She said this lesson taught her not to trust Americans when they seem to be inviting intimacy, because things that are intimate in her culture, are only casual in ours.

[JesseFryeNC]

Chad, I was unaware of Will's passing; this is very sad to hear! Please keep bringing the amazing content Chad, have always loved listening to you and the advice you give me in our exchanges over the years.

[eriktyler]

Thanks for the mention and book shout-out, Chad. It's always energizing to be reminded of the ways something you've said or done has led to positive change in a way that stuck.

You talk a lot about intention and being clear about that intention from the start of a meeting or conversation. I think that starts even with "How are you?" If my intention in a moment is to include and acknowledge the real people around me, but not (at that moment) to fully know how they are, I tend to stick to a smile and "Hello!" or "Good to see you!" If my intention, however, is really to make myself available to know how someone is doing if they care to share it, only then do I ask "How are you?" (in some version and with whatever preface or follow-up feels right for that person at that time).

One of the things I say in "The Best Advice So Far" (and in person often to others and to myself) is "Apologize less and mean it more." The nutshell version is that if we only apologized when we really meant it (e.g., knew we had wronged someone, had no excuses, and were open to a plan for change), apologies would begin to have more impact in our relationships. I think this concept holds true for much else we tend to say by habit, including "How are you?" If each of us only asks "How are you?" (in any form or variation) when we really MEAN "How are you?"...when we have a genuine interest in that person and intend to listen and accept the answer without expectation, we would say it much less and the personal power of each time we ask it would increase.

I often find myself in settings where "How are you?"..."Fine, and you?"..."Great, thanks" has been exchanged by others around me numbers of times already; and yet when I ask, the answers change. Part of that is making intention known up front; and that doesn't always need to be done verbally. As I said above, when you become know as someone who only asks "How are you?" when you really want to know and will listen a certain way, your intention among people who know you becomes clear from the outset: "This is someone who doesn't just ask socially." I also think—as Robinson and Renee note below—that our body language, voice tone, eye contact, etc. convey our intention. For example, if I've just given someone a huge hug, "How are you?" just reads differently.

AND we can change up the question itself, as you've talked about here—which, if intention is in line, becomes a fairly simple and small thing to do (not to mention FUN), but one with a huge payoff.

[Slarti]

"How are you doing?"
"None of your 'f'ing business!"
I hate it when people ask me that question.

[biano]

To Chad and Will's friends and family, I'm sad to hear this news. I'm sorry for the pain his loss brings to you all.

Will and Chad imparted important human connection / compassion skills to people the world over. You were a great team.

[ellenpolishuk]

thanks for these alternatives.
On the receiving end, sometimes when I am asked How Are You? I answer with something odd that wakes peoples brains up: "I'm medium", or "I'm super deluxe" etc, bascially anything other than fine or good gets noticed and often leads to a deeper conncection.

[curiousobserver]

Grateful for your videos. Full of practical wisdom.

[robinsoncajamarca]

Hey Chad,

Great way to change up the typical "How are you". I think in body language also plays a huge role? Are we saying something with our words, but is our body saying something else? Huge, specially with Zoom and in-person meetings!

Love this alternative and the calendar you presented to creating meaningful conversations!

[markj.]

Next time you go visit your dentist or someone who greets people regularly ask them what they ask when greeting people. If they asked this question all day, every day they would go crazy. A good one that I heard from a Dr. friend of mine is "What's good?"
Love this idea Chad and appreciate the video.

[insertnamehere]

I think that if we add context in the start of our chat we can guide it and have control of it's duration (if we become skilled enough)

[reneepusey]

Great Connection Video! I believe tone and eye contact also play an important part of the conversation. Are you demonstrating authentic interest when asking "How are you?".

[susannmikkelsonnmsuguadalu]

I LOVE this! I went through this transformation that you are describing in 2013 - what I call "the year from Hell, " because I lost SO much, and started my deep-dive into depression. I realized that people ask "How are you?" expecting one of a few typical answers. Most don't really want the details. I stopped saying "fine, " or "good, " and started saying "okay, " on good days. In return, I re-framed how I asked others the same question. I added the "really, " or I followed the question and their response with another question or comment, conveying that I wanted the "whole answer, " if they were inclined to share it. 🙂 I don't ask anyone how they are as a greeting; I don't ask unless I really have time and the bandwidth to hear the whole, true answer. Thank you for legitimizing my transformation and reassuring me that I should continue to take people off guard by being sincere and REALLY wanting to know.

[jeWElleOfTheTable]

eight percent. brilliant. what were the other 'options'? (", )

[BuddhistZenDave]

When i was serving tables i always greeted tables by saying, "welcome to X, i will be your server today" and two people on a business lunch stopped talking, and in absolute unison looked at me and said "Good, how are you?". Very NPC behavior.

[BradleyVanTreese]

Often, my response to how are you is... "Well, but that's not important. What's important is, how are YOU?" This will usually get a more honest response and occasionally launch a conversation.

[marilynlop]

I love this! I have had this on my mind this week, so awesome that you recorded this video. At the Global Leadership Summit a couple of weeks ago, Vanessa Van Edwards talked about these type of questions, similar talk. Check it out! I appreciate this content and options provided. What was the best part about creating this video?

[HayashiToshi-snqw]

That's Weird Way say How are you doing????