How feminism taught me to care about how we raise boys | Michelle McCormick | TEDxTopekaWomen

After years of working with mostly female victims of domestic and sexual violence, I began working in a program designed to offer a change process to abusive men mostly).  This powerful paradigm shift helped me explore the harmful societal constructs we use to raise boys boys dont cry, be a real man, show no weakness) which can cause harm to boys/men  and ultimately to girls/women.  We commonly socialize boys then men) to be divorced from their emotions, which are a part of healthy brain functioning, and I would argue this is cruel and abusive.  These constructs have created a version of masculinity that is extreme.  Author ackson Katz calls this toxic masculinity.  These hyper­masculine standards of what creates a real man cheat men from many healthy emotional experiences Often, they are taught that emotions are feminine and that feminine is weak.  Think about the scene from the classic movie The Sandlot where the boys are hurling insults at each other on the ball field.  After exchanging the common insults on the field, the scene comes to a devastating conclusion when the pre­teen boy yells, You play ball like a girl  By teaching these boys/men that the worst thing they could be in the world is female, how much do you think they value girls/women?  If we are to ever prevent and end issues of violence against women, it will be because we changed the way we raise boys to men.

Michelle McCormick, LMSW is the Program Director at the YWCA Center for Safety and Empowerment where victims of domestic violence, sexual violence, stalking and human trafficking are served. Michelle has been an advocate in this field for 17 years, first as a volunteer and then as professional staff. Previously, Michelle worked for the State of Kansas Attorney General’s office to develop a certification program for Batterer Intervention Programs (BIP’s). In this role, Michelle assisted in drafting laws and regulations which strengthened the response to domestic violence offenders in Kansas. Michelle has provided training to thousands of professionals and community members on the topics of domestic violence and batterer intervention. In 2014, Michelle was recognized as one of Topeka’s top “20 Under 40” for her work as well as her community involvement in Topeka, where she resides. Michelle has a bachelor’s degree in sociology and a master’s degree in social work.

[JohnSmith-plsf]

To the boys and girls who disliked the video...




Here, you dropped this 👑

[jacksonshakur]

People divorce themselves from their emotions all the time. Police and Judges and Lawyers are some examples. It's sometimes necessary.

[JohnSmith-plsf]

The reason why we don't show emotions is because if we do, then women will loose respect for us

[bonnu]

her hair wants to speak to the manager.

[stevenhartley]

What about the issues of mothers

oppressing and abusing boys

[thetornadocrusader]

As soon as I saw that haircut I clicked 😂

[anthony]

Omg the epitome of a Karen hairstyle, lmao

[Halbi]

Feminism is obviously not about going to the gym.

[NathansHVAC]

Gillette should run an ad about this talk.

[willh]

I’d say the major issue with society today isn’t that men are expected to behave like men, it’s society expects them to behave like women in situations where they should be men. Don’t get me wrong, we live in a society where men are told that we will always struggle with expressing our emotions and should always be strong. The difficulty is with her sandlot quote of “You throw like a girl!” I do believe men/boys should feel somewhat insulted by that statement. Not because men are better than women or vice versa, but because men are physically, but more importantly mentally/psychologically different. A boy shouldn’t feel the NEED to show his emotions every time he doesn’t get his way, as well as a woman. However, men should still show emotion when they are hurting, or feel that they need to say something. However just as men in society have walls that limit what men can do, so do women to men. Note this is not opinion but factually based: A man who shows emotion is viewed not only as weak to his male peers, but also to his female peers. A women who is masculine is seen as masculine to men and women. Now, while this is not per say bad, or wrong. This sets a point of shame for any man or women to their male or female peers based upon how they feel men and women should behave. Some men will mock you for having a masculine girlfriend or wife while others will cheer you on. So the question is which is right? The answer is both. A man should feel the obligation in society to be a man, but society determines what that is. The expression boys will be boys in today’s terms is viewed as immoral and wrong. This comes back to my original argument of how young boys are raised with the expectation to be like a young girl. Note this is not true for all men and women, this is a generalization from studies performed on young toddlers from the ages of 4-12: A girl in class in 3rd grade is applauded and rewarded for reading a book about emotions, feelings, critical thinking, deep character development, and concepts a female gender’s literal brain, not societal, a female women’s brain, can generally have an easier time understanding. On the other hand, the 3rd grade boy reads a book about action, adventure, maybe even has visuals, and is simple in concept, story and character development, yet he will be treated as a below average child by teachers and society, simply for having the literal brain of a male human toddler. Again not all young boys are like this, there are always exceptions and these are generalizations from studies taken. My point is as a society we still need to recognize the differences between men and women, and raise them to be proud of those differences, not shame them for being different and try to merge them into one identity.


On a separate note, this is partly why I feel our society struggles today. Men are being to told to behave in ways that psychological they aren’t able to behave, as well as women. Men are told to be more like women, and women are told to be more like men. I believe men should learn to understand women and women to better understand men, rather than have one conform to the other. Most feminists I meet, not all, generally try to become more like men, not become a better women in actuality.

If you want to better understand what I’m talking about watch the tale of two brains by mark gungor on YouTube. My favorite point from the video is that your significant other has the trait that is different from how your gender typically behaves. If your a guy who talks a lot, you will more than likely marry someone who doesn’t talk much.

[Nick-slwp]

If you are a boy, the 100% best thing for you to do is leave home at 18. Block your families number especially mother's. Don't go to college, it will only out you in an office working with women. Delete your social media. Get a roof over your head and food on your plate. Unlearn and the lies of modern day schooling and your mother. If you watch anything, eatch old videos of people before feminism. Stop replying to family and friends who hold you back.

[victoriakathleen]

These comments do NOT pass the vibe check

[cherrypoppenscommaduchesso]

List official claims.
Prove them.
Distance movement from those making claims outside that list.

As for debunking your various points, this has been done so many times it makes my head spin.

[deviouscat]

Dudette's there entering the scene breathing like Darth Vader 😭

[alexheat]

50% of this is her gasping for air becuase social equality means we need to except he +size.

[Volvo-fy]

All feminists look almost like clones. They all look just like her.

[SirLoopalot]

well...she has a point...but thats only a small part of the problem. and she does the same mistake as most women by talking about us like we are all insane. remember, we all get these boy rules tought, but as she said most of us don't abuse women. so there must be more. and that is in my eyes that women have a problem too. most women just can't admit when they are wrong during a discussion with their men. and this is what triggers the adrenalin pump in us, leading some weak men to use their last weapon, violence. most modern men have realized that there is something in our nature that needs to be fixed or at least to be controlled. now its on you dear women to realize that there is something wrong with you too, and this is that you always think that you are right in an argument, no matter how wrong you are. and if women realize that they are wrong, most likely they start to scream or to cry and end the fight by running away, leaving the speachless men behind. 100% of the excuses in love movies come from men, think about that.

[SirLoopalot]

oh and i forgot sth.: somehow quite a number of women think it is ok to slap a man in the face or kick him in the balls without getting an adequate response. I once received quite a heavy hit without doing any wrong from a woman with all her force. i then pushed her onto a wall with my left and showed her my right hand. i told her that this was the first and last time that i will let her get away with this, the next time i will slap her full power. guess what, she looked straight into my eyes and said "real men do not hit women". i was stunned about the incredible amount of ignorance. never punched a woman in my life, but this time i was realy close to it.

[djdannydvideo]

I would love to have an ACADEMIC discussion with anyone that truly believes what was stated in this video imo her ideas are well meaning, but missed the mark for men

[cleansocks]

Why does every feminist have short hair and/or unhealthy amounts of fat?