Tortoise - Cyanide & Happiness Shorts

Who won?

[thenerdbeast]

Damn Tortoise wasn't happy with even outliving Hare, he made sure that his entire bloodline died out before declaring himself the winner.

[oggyreidmore]

My grandfather got a pet tortoise when he was 8 years old. I always thought it was really cool, so he passed it down to me when he died. He owned the tortoise for 75 years, and I've had it for 15 years now. This video gave me the chills...

Update: Unfortunately, as of May 2024 the tortoise has died. I had forgotten about this comment from - geez - 8 years ago until someone responded today. I'm not sure how old it was when my grandfather got it, but we've been keeping it as a pet in my family for 98 years. Goodbye, Michelle!

[CreepsMcPasta]

I can't wait to tell this to my kids when I'm older

[Badbirdie]

Now THAT is pure Hatred and Spite in it's most perfect form.

[PageAccess]

lol, one of those bunnys was named "Lab tester" xDD

[NarsBars]

There are 3 generations of hares. The average lifespan of a hare is 6 years, so let's say he began breeding at the age of 1. So, she has the babies at around the age of 2. They then have another batch of kids, presumably at the age of 3.

There are 26 tombstones, and 13 of those are his grandchildren, which I would assume happen around the age of 2 for the hares. So… 3+2+6=11

This would happen only in the span of around 11 years.

Due to its long neck and hexagonal shell, the tortoise has the features of a Galapagos giant tortoise. These feature an average of a 150 year lifespan.

We're going to guess, just like the hare, that this life was done when he just reached sexual maturity, so around the age of 30. 30+11=41.

The tortoise still has approximately 109 years of its life left, plenty of time to make babies and continue its family tree.

Edit: After 6 months I rewatched and realized I messed some stuff up. Nobody would have noticed, but more accurate information is now in.

[SlightlyNotorious]

He wins because he got to see his good friend the hare have a happy and fulfilling life.

[Ichigo_Keba]

Imagine the conversation he would’ve had with his girlfriend when he had to go on the date.
“Why is there a tortoise staring at us in the window”?
“ oh it’s just some guy I raced. He’s trying to prove some point.”

[Cteklite]

Who names their kid "Rabbit Face?"

That's like calling my kid "Human Face." IF I had a kid, that is.

[hamburbur]

The rabbits wife: who’s that creep that’s always spying on us?

Rabbit: he won in a race against me

[CitizenKahne]

I'm honestly surprised that the Hare never called the police. The Tortoise was clearly stalking him.

[actuallystuff]

Imagine racing with 400 trillion sperm cells just to be named carrot

[jamiemellegard]

so technically the hare 'beat him to death'

[GdoubleWB]

The rabbit lived a rich and fulfilling life surrounded by loved ones.

You only looked upon his life with hatred, allowing your own life to become meaningless and hollow.

Who has truly won, Mr. Tortoise? Who indeed.

[Gabrielbarsch]

but the tortoise just wasted his entire life stalking the rabbit

[nikhilrampal]

Vivaldi Summer Presto III Storm

Just in case you want the music

[zilvoxidgod]

So rabbit lived a full life with a loving family, and tortoise spent three generations of rabbits stalking them. I don't think tortoise won. 

[Ddarth_sidious]

The meaning of victory is not to merely defeat your enemy but to destroy him, to completely eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavours, to crush his achievement and remove all record of his very existence. From that defeat there is no recovery. That is the meaning of victory.

[demonproductions]

The real question is...
0:13
Why is there a clock on a tree?

[RepKyle]

As a tortoise owner I will confirm that this is exactly how tortoises behave.