Rethinking Consequences in Parenting

Time-out. Dinner without dessert. No screen time. If you’re like most parents, you’ve reached your wit’s end and threatened your kid with one (or all!) of these consequences. Then the next day… they’re back to throwing blocks. How many times do you have to yell, “If you throw that block one more time, no ______!” What if we told you there was a better way? In this week’s episode, Dr. Becky explores the problem with consequences and how you can parent much more effectively without them. Don’t worry: This doesn’t mean letting your kid “get away” with challenging or dangerous behavior. It means embodying your authority, connecting to your child, and teaching them the life-long skills they need to manage big feelings. If you love the Good Inside approach and struggle with the idea of no consequences, one thing is true: This episode is for you.

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[chrischarles]

Thank you so much, this is really clever, and communicated in a way that’s very clear and relatable to, for people without an academic psychology background. I heard you on Zoe Blaskey’s podcast and thought you sounded a bit clever! I’ll watch some more, thanks 😊

[luciannebeans]

No, it is not how the body works. Children do not think about consequences before being violent with their siblings. Much as a murderer does not think about receiving a life sentence while killing someone. Or a teenager while stealing at the mail, until they are placed in a holding cell and now have a record that permanently limits job opportunities. I’m currently reading Dr. Becky’s book, which is helpful in some ways. But children must learn consequences if they are to become functional members of society.

[shirleydavis]

I think when a person actually listens to what you’re saying there isn’t confusion on what you’re conveying. The skills and growth mindset is the focused not punishment focused. Although there might be some of it the focus is about learning the skills. So good. ❤❤❤❤

[rogervanoro]

This is overly complex for younger kids. Unfortunately, Dr. Becky this is really wrong for the development stage of little kids and your work is causing problems in the world. Kids need consequences and firm simple enforcement that help them to have clear lines and ultimately feel safe. This helps kids to learn how to gradually overcome their own impulsive whims and gradually harness their energies to make choices that aren’t just based on instant gratification. That’s what consequences are for - time to reflect on basic healthy agreements that form the foundation of the psyche.Consequences is a visceral language that all of us and all animals understand - and if we get stuck in our heads and try all these much more advanced skills - it’ll only confuse kids. Learning to self-validate and identify emotions and so-forth is for young adults and older after many years of compassionate consistent firmly boundaried parenting that brings out trust and emotional stability. That’s the visceral foundation for these more advanced skillsets.

[epasato]

This is so ridiculous. "Do we want to teach them that actions have consequences or do we want to teach them skills you can learn so you have control over your actions." What world is she living in? If I say, "Clean your room, " and my kid says, "No, I don't want to, " their not cleaning their room is not a product of a lack of control, skills, etc. It's a lack of desire given what the expect the outcome to be. They say "No, " precisely because they expect to be able to move on with their life without doing so. "All right, well you don't need to clean your room, but you are not going outside to play with your friends until it's clean."

Imagine I say to them, "Next time I say 'Clean your room, ' I want you to focus on the feeling of what it will be like to have your room be clean, imagining having that item checked off your list, and how it will be good for our relationship."

That is a recipe for insane amounts of self-absorption and shame. If you tell you kids essentially that they lack a skill that, if they had it, would make them desire to clean their rooms, it makes them feel like there is something wrong with them. "Why don't I want to clean my room? I need to figure out how to make myself want to do this, " they tell themselves. No, no, no!!!

Honestly, the feeling I get is that the parents who use this method believe there is something wrong with their children for not wanting the right things, having the right thoughts, etc. Their kid hits another kid and they think, "Oh god, I've failed as a parent!" No, your kid hit another kid because they were angry and weren't afraid to show it. You tamp this stuff down over down. Your kid doesn't want to do their homework. "I've failed as a parent!" No, it's that homework is boring and your kid wants to do something fun. You don't need to reprogram their motivation to want to do homework. THEY DON'T WANT TO DO IT AND IT'S OK. You tell them they can't do something they want to, and they get angry and break something. IT'S OK! They were ANGRY. That is not a bad thing - it is just how they felt. You don't need to teach them a skill about how not to get angry. THEY ARE KIDS. Take your time, let them learn over time what the limits are, what is / isn't acceptable or appropriate, tailor your consequences and punishments so they send the right message and aren't too demoralizing, pick your battles, don't be afraid to give in here or there, etc.

It's honestly really simple - when your kids are doing something you don't want them to do, do something to try to get them to stop, but DO NOT MAKE THEM THINK THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG FOR WANTING TO HAVE DONE IT IN THIS FIRST PLACE. This whole idea of skills training is just a passive aggressive way to make them feel like there was something wrong in the first place.

I think it's actually just parents who are too afraid to assert themselves, who don't feel the weight of their own authority as adults, who don't feel they have the right to actually set limits and consequences for their children. And it's because they are, sadly, too emotionally dependent on their children. They don't want their children to be upset at them because the parent feels so goddam guilty about it. PARENTS, have some self-respect! If your husband does something you don't like or want, express it, do whatever it takes to get him to stop but without shaming him for being that way in the first place. Same with your kids!

[DP-eoxd]

This all sounds good in theory but not realistic. Kids game the system. And parents donthave 24 hours to constantly be kind parents. Should kids be late to school? Sports? Lessons? All the time? Because this is what this would lead to. And parents do have to sleep, work, shower, go to the bathroom .

[gailschnitzer]

A person has to be born "good inside"....either they are good or they are not....you can't teach good.

[kateryna]

The information could have been put in less time. People don’t have time to listen to bla-bla-bla these days.