Unpacking the Age Gap Relationship Discourse

Age Gap relationships are a dividing topic, so I sought your input from your personal experience as things have changed so much over the years that age gaps aren't what they used to be. People have different definitions for them now and I wanted to take things from YOUR experiences, not just articles and studies, so I had a survey which asked a bunch of questions which 352 of you participated in which helped to shape this whole thing.

Resources if you need them:
USA:
NZ:
UK:
Australia:

Let's connect:

Timestamps:
00:00 Intro and setting the scene
02:06 Correction time
04:42 What even is an age gap relationship?
08:20 Good Age Gap Relationships
13:19 Bad Age Gap Relationships
23:36 Celebrity/famous examples of age gap relationships
29:51 The Tropes
38:30 What about maximum age gaps?
41:12 Can Age Gap relationships be good?
44:47 Final Thoughts

Channels mentioned:
@DreamsoundsVideo
@AmandaTheJedi

Sources:

[BryonyClaire]

I think the topic was too much for Pixie to handle 😥😥 there are resources in the description box if you need them.
Reminder to please be kind to each other in the comments, everyone has different lived experiences and this topic is so personal to us all for many reasons. We can share our opinions without attacking each other. I had some people threaten me in the survey and it's not needed, I don't want to add barriers to my community, I involve you a LOT in my work because I want good conversations to happen, and I want to be able to help foster that but that can't happen if people are threatening my safety.

[lollyberry]

Roger Moore, one of the actors who played James Bond, actually quit the role because he was so uncomfortable with the fact that they kept casting way younger girls as his love interests. He actually pointed out that some of them were young enough to be his granddaughter. Good on him for that

[transsexual_void_fairy]

i confessed my love to my english teacher when i was 17... she was probably mid 30s. i didn't find the age difference a factor at all - i'm not neurotypical. looking back i have no idea what i was thinking but, just felt like sharing. teacher was just like "no... you sweet little thing,

[doughnuthead]

The thing about the 'older woman makes sexual advances on minor' trope, the male teen is usually taller and physically stronger than the woman (he's also good looking), so it isn't seen as inappropriate and it's portrayed as a win for her. If the teen was shorter than the woman, then it would be alarming.
Still, no matter how tall, macho, or handsome the teen is, he's still a minor and the woman is knowingly taking advantage of his adolescent mind. Let's drop this double standard.

[ControllerAunt]

You touched on this very briefly, but it's important to note that:

1. Large Age Gaps are far less popular in countries that have high Gender Equality Indexes or are seen as historically progessive when it comes to women's rights
2. The US is a conservative country, according to that same Index
3. Popular Media these days tends to come from Conservative Countries like the US and Japan
4. The Industries of those countries are led by conservative old men, therefore scewing our perception when it comes to individual responsibility and acceptance of something that leans towards exploitation, dependence, abuse, and trauma in real life. Calling it a very personal experience does not touch into the societal and medial indoctrination that encourages or excuses large age gaps. You could say that "good" examples are the exception, not the rule.

[IsaVarg]

When I was 16, I met the karate instructor who was 28, who would later become my boyfriend. This was through a program specifically aimed at vulnerable people suffering from severe mental illness, and I had just been diagnosed with undifferentiated schizophrenia and was on meds for it. About half a year after I turned 17, he and I were hanging out alone at his place a lot, taking long walks, and I was apparently "very obviously into him" and trying very hard to be with him. This was his excuse later when I accused him of abuse. I came onto him and he was hesitant. Not because of my age, of course, but because I was overweight. He forced me to exercise and coerced me into weaning off my meds so I would lose weight. After I'd lost about 35 kgs, my clothes became the issue, then I was stressing him out because of all my mental illness issues, and then he broke it off with me, because I'd tried to break up with him 4 times, and it was making him exhausted to try to get back with me :( poor thing. I barely remember anything from the 2 years we were together. It's mostly blacked out, and I'm kinda happy it is.

[geeksthename]

When I was 14 my 20-year old boyfriend ended up dumping me because I was “too immature”.

[argonanarchy]

My grandmother was groomed by her friends dad and had my mum. It was hard to realise that my grandmother was a human being who was herself abused, due to her abusing me. And her family calls it an affair. It was not an affair, it was a creepy old man grooming a teenager.

[AlyssaAska]

I've never had an age gap relationship, but I realise how strange my parents' was - they started dating (and got married like within a year) when my mom was 19 and my dad 25. They were married for 25 years, until my mom finally did what she wanted and took a job in a city she had been begging to move to for years. Rather than keep the family together, as my dad had a easily relocatable job, my dad stayed put and found a 23 year old, who was one year younger than my brother! at the time I didn't think anything of it and had the "age is nothing but a number" attitude. having grown up and with distance - what I see is that my mom took her power back, and my dad had to find someone else that was pliable. Fwiw, that relationship broke in basically the exact same way as the one with my mom's.

[aliciafree]

As someone who was a victim, I really think if you are under 21, there should only be 2 years. Emotional and sexual maturity changes quickly throughout development

[girllittlemorbid]

The child marriage thing that happens in the US is almost always to "fix" premarital sex, especially if it leads to pregnancy. Any attempt to make it so only legal adults can get married is met with "but what if the girl is pregnant?! We HAVE to let her marry the father!"

[Sir_Chomp]

I was 17 and he was 29. While nothing truly terrible happened because I was able to get out early, there are still some things that looking back on it were out of line and just not right. We were in a theatre group together and we got on quite well. At the end of show party he snuck me multiple drinks, which even at the time I thought was a massive red flag but unfortunately decided to ignore it. He asked me out, originally to "hang out at his place" which I just couldn't do. I ended up inviting a friend my age to go with me to a public place. Afterward he asked me if I wanted to go to his, he tried to get into my car, tried to kiss me and more, all awkward and gross. I declined and never talked to him again. I checked up on him recently and years later he's dating an 18 year old. He hasn't changed.
Even though all of my alarms were going off about him, I thought that I could handle it because I was "mature for my age" but I look back at it now and cringe. I'm glad that I was one of the lucky ones.

[agnieszkalewandowska]

When I was 20, during my first year of university I was working as a bartender and met a 28 years old guy there. Long story short, he's just hung out there after work during my shifts and we talked, found out that we have a crazy amount of things in common in terms of interests, views, plans, basically all of it - friends started joking we're the same person with delusions that there are two of us. We started dating, now we're almost three years together and it might be the healthiest relationship I've ever been in my life - not only a romantic one, across all categories. He's just the sweetest, smartest and most caring person, but most importantly - I've never felt that he doesn't think the same thing about me.

(it's an exception for the rule, most age-gap relationships I've witnessed were plain gross and manipulative)

[nicoles]

Like you touched on, my issue is a "life experience gap" more so than age, but they're inextricably linked in most cases. In early adulthood, we have plenty of gaps in our knowledge and life experience and look to those older than us to fill in those gaps. Ideally, these would be [good] parents, mentors, and other positive role models. However, in the unfortunate case you run into a predator or someone who just does not have your best interest in mind, they might try to fill in those gaps in a way that suits them. Convincing you that you're "lucky to have them", that your concerned loved ones are just "jealous", or that you're "mature for your age".

You can be very different ages and have very similar goals, experiences, and interests. You can also be just a few years apart and have a huge power differential. Age is just an easier proxy to use but can sometimes be too reductive.

[eduardaarrais]

My mom was 15 when she met my father, who was 22 at the time. Their relationship was always extremely psychologically toxic, and even evolved to DV. I remember spending my entire childhood wishing they would divorce, and it eventually happened, but not until I was 19 and they had 2 other kids together. Now my father, 50, is dating a 32 year old black woman. He's learned to stop with the physical abuse, but he's still extremely mentally draining and very racist. On the other hand, his girlfriend is using him for his money so I guess at least she's somewhat in hold of some power? 💁🏻‍♀️ still wish she'd run away, but oh well.

[selunescorpio]

I (23 y/o) don’t have a problem with age gaps of a few years, where there isn’t a power dynamic like dating a teacher for example. That said, I personally don’t feel comfortable dating someone younger than me, but I’m fine if they’re older than me (again only by a few years. I can’t do decades). This is just me speaking for myself

[ML-dilt]

My partner is 14 yrs older than I am and we've both had a previous marriage/life partner. So ours is definitely a situation where we are in similar life stages and wanting similar things. Early 30s to mid 40s isn't a big deal for us. I've dated older men when I was younger and it definitely caused issues in the relationship.

[yourlocalcryptidd]

My parents were married when my dad was 21 and my mom was 27. They had me and my twin brother a couple years later. Their relationship is fine, despite the fact that they definitely weren't in the same life stage when they met and got married. My dad, prior to them meeting, had been going to college, but something happened, and he had to drop out. My mom had graduated from college years prior, and she had established herself in the workforce. I think it worked out because my father was never really immature, or at least not in a traditional sense. But I think they've done okay for themselves.

[CryptidSystem]

🧡
my mother was in an age gap relationship from the age of 28 with a 20 year old. She would always complain about how immature he was at times. They even married for a spell, but are divorced now. She supplied him with a child, because she didn't think he'd ever have children otherwise. I've been in my own queer age gap relationships. Some good, some bad. I don't know about having 25 as a cut off, but people targeting 18-22ish because of their age are gross. A relationship where the age gap is incidental can work, but one where the gap is a predatory goal is imbalanced and can lead to a lot of trauma. A very grey topic

[sarahtaavetti]

I always considered myself
to be very mature by the end of my teens and early twenties. And I was. In a sense. I had more life experience than most other people, having lived in multiple countries and places. And because of it I had a very distinguished multifacitted view of life and people.
Now, almost 35, I realize that there are different levels of maturity. You can know how to adult, have a job, a house, a family but never really take responsibility for you actions. Never grow aware of your patterns and always stay trapped in toxic or unhealthy patterns. I‘ve only really matured into an emotionally responsible adult who knew themselves and their boundaries when I was like 32. My brother was a bit „quicker“ with 29. I have a fair share of friends who only entered their emotional maturity in their 30s and there are so many people who just never do. For example, My mother F60, although she would never admit it herself, is still is so emotionally immature that it sometimes feels like talking to a teenager. And I am not saying that because she is incapable, on the contrary, she is a very strong and capable woman doing all the aldult things the way adults do
Them. It’s just with interpersonal relationships she got stuck somewhere. Maybe that‘s why it took me longer, maybe its just the 30s that makes people start questioning things. Really look at their baggage, take inventory, and figure out the healthiest way to
carry it. It‘s a journey of growth and you can usually tell right away where someone stands. In that regard age doesn‘t really matter, as long as you are on the same level of growth. I’ve met people the same age as me and I could never date them because their minds and views are as narrow as an 18year old. Although I just said, age does not matter, there is just a taboo zone. Anyone over 30 dating anyone under 23 just gives me the ick. (leonardo really grosses me out)
The 25-29 is kinda like a „gray“ zone. Personally I believe that Above the age of 30, age gaps don’t really matter anymore.