2 Why Your Family of Origin Impacts Your Life More Than Anything Else

A child’s brain is formed primarily by the relational experiences she has with her parents. Every child has 6 core relational needs. You needed your parents to be 1) attuned to you, 2) responsive to you, 3) engaged with you, 4) able to regulate your affect, 5) strong enough to handle your negative emotions, and 6) willing to own and rectify harm done. Adam explains two kinds of relational styles that result from being either dismissed by your parents or being asked to be a parent rather than a child.

A healthy, trusting attachment is not built on the absence of failure but on the willingness of the parent to own and rectify failures when they do occur.

No parent gets it right 100% of the time. Parents get tired, distracted, and frustrated. They get stressed out trying to do a hundred things at once.

There are times when even the best parents are not attuned or responsive. The parent-child connection ruptures frequently.
But the mark of a ‘good enough’ caregiver is that these ruptures are repaired through a process of reattunement and re-engagement with the child. What mattered to you as a child was not that your parents got it right each time, but that they recognized when they missed you or hurt you and responded in a way that brought comfort and reconnection.

[hillaryburdick]

The 4th and 5th core needs were largely not met when I was a kid (they are only starting to be met now). I grew up in a home where I never had any doubt that my parents loved me, but emotional disregulation or anger on my part was not welcome. This was very insightful! Thank you!

[Star-djkw]

18:05 this section hits hard.
My mother dismissed my depression. Then I got caught up with some Christians that appealed to my emotionally love for God but not they were also legalistic which my fearful nature related to ☹️. Then I married an emotionally abusive man. I never realized the toll it was taking on my son. It is my fault that I didn’t protect my son. I set him up for Avoidant attachment and so many hurts.

[almazmokenne]

Amazing podcast. It's incredibly insightful ❤

[rosaliethon]

i was blessed, by someone who shared Adam Young, to me today.. this is soooo wonderful.. you know what i went thru and.. someone understands... thank you

[gidget]

My parents never cared enough to notice that I was being abused much less to noticed that l was a loner and held a lot in

[karenwalsh]

Very interesting. What if your mom and dad were present but not really present for you? Is it selfish to wish they actually saw me and cared about what I was feeling as a kid? They didn't really believe in 'feelings' back then. They didn't talk about them. You just assumed that their grown-up problems were more important. My older sister triangulated with my parents and my dad used her as a replacement wife. As the younger daughter, I was kind of invisible. At least that's how it felt. I was there to do the dishes, clean the crystals on the chandelier, vacuum and do other grunt work around the house. My sister was busy doing important things like homework. I could never quite figure out what my role was, except the youngest kid who was cute but useless because I wasn't as smart as my sister, or as athletic as my brother. Avoident attachment was the name of the game I think.

[Star-djkw]

I disagree with the way Parentification was described. First off, the way it was explained the listener would assume if a child’s parents had a crappy marriage, then the kid would be automatically made into a surrogate spouse for their opposite gender parent. There are numerous other options are adults to get their emotional needs met besides their kids. Some cheat.
Some have FRIENDS.
My emotionally challenged spouse is only friendly with the family dog 🐕 😂😂. (We’re kinda separated).
Also, i have heard other sources describe Parentification more as putting a child in an adult role like tons of responsibility and discipline more than the other kids in the family. The child is treated like a workhorse.

[Star-djkw]

26:50 😮 if my husband had heard this next bit back when I my first son was a baby, H would’ve run with it: “Yeah! I’m the husband. The head of the household. God made me the leader. You need to get that baby to sleep and come to bed” When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband went from being sometimes overbearing and a know it all to cruel.
I just wish there was more nuance to this podcast approach.
But either way, I still failed my son.

[deebond]

If a person you are in relationship with like family members know how to say sorry, mean it and just in reality are incapable of knowing what to do. As they don't have skills or knowledge..That wouldn’t 100 % be wicked I presume.

One could accept this is just their capacity & so we could minimize contact or prep & engage differently with this person(s)

[victoryamartin]

This video made me angry. Not only did I receive none of these things from my parents, leading me to contemplating suicide as a young teen, but I feel appalled upon hearing that these parenting skills actually exist. I think you made them up; you got them from fairy tales. Oh wait. Fairy tale families are usually dysfunctional, so you couldn't have found them there. My family was intact, but no one was meeting anyone's needs, and no one was asking. I suppose the only feeling we were allowed to have was the fear of being punished for expressing any needs. Then the video made me sorrowful. I am so sad I did not have these skills later to employ with my own children. I spent all their upbringing years in abject depression, unable to respond to their felt needs. I want to be there for them now that they are grown, but I still don't know how.