WTF is Attraction Anyway?: Answering Your Asexual and Aromantic Questions

#asexual #aromantic #queer #relationships

CHAPTERS
0:00 Intro
1:38 Arousal, Libido, and Attraction
5:38 Attraction is not monolithic / split-attraction model
7:52 Sexual attraction versus sensual attraction
9:15 Platonic attraction versus romantic attraction
11:21 Sexual attraction versus aesthetic attraction
13:32 Emotional attraction versus romantic attraction

So let's talk about attraction! Let's clear up some confusion about what it is, and let's look at some head-to=head pairings to distinguish different attractions from each other.

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[allehto]

I personally feel sensual and aesthetic attraction really strongly, so it was really confusing for me to realize that doesn’t mean I experience sexual attraction! Like just because I appreciate someone’s body and want to engage in some physical activities doesn’t mean I want to take it further

[LewisLittle]

It was a realisaton that romantic attraction is different from sexual and aesthetic attraction, that clued me in to me being asexual. I can find other people attractive in different ways, but it would never even occur to me to want sex with them.

[ByrdieFae]

The George story was hilarious because it's so true. I've said that "I just want to draw that person" many times. Aesthetic attraction is SO wild. 😂😂😂

[brontesaurusrex]

"So what separates romantic and platonic attraction? Basically? Society" I KNEW IT

More seriously, I know I'm aroace, but unlike with sexual attraction I've never been able to find/create a satisfying definition of what romantic attraction even is. But I'm still satisfied saying I don't experience it because quite frankly nothing is inherently romantic to me. That and every time I look at happily partnered people I just, "This is nice. God do I not want any part of this."

[NekoUchiha]

Man, aesthetic attractions also tripped me up for a long time! Always thought I had crushes, but turns out I sometimes just fixate on people or fictional characters (without the sexual component) lol And I definitely have a "type", but only for the aesthetic side. That was very confusing before I discovered asexuality.

Also, love that you said romance is mostly a social construct. Recently I tried to find the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, and my conclusion was the same. It's what society interprets regarding certain actions and behavior ... but what the people involved actual feel could be totally different. Especially regarding "romance-coded" gestures like kissing, cuddling or hand-holding. They don't always have to be romantic in nature, but society overall views them as such.

[steelcutoaths]

I’ve never felt more validated in my asexuality. Thank you.

[crystalsever]

The aesthetic attraction example is so real. I don't wanna do anything with them. I just want them near me all the time so I can look at how pretty they are ✨

[AlienAceCat]

I feel aesthetic and emotional attraction a lot.

I appreciate this channel so much, you are giving young people the language and insight they need to understand themselves, something I desperately wish I had had when I was a kid.

When I was a teen back in the 90s I didn't know that asexuality was a thing that someone could be. I would get crushes on people, but I never wanted to date them or really even talk to them sometimes, I just like looking at them and being around them. My friends would always say I needed to date them if I liked them, even though the thought of dating anyone soured the attraction immediately. But I spent a lot of my young adulthood dating and doing things that I didn't really want to do, because I didn't know it was an option to do anything else - it was just what was done. I distinctly remember the first time I thought that maybe I was broken inside all the way back when I was in 6th grade, and I spent a lot of years trying to prove to myself and others that I was "normal" by doing a lot of things that I really just didn't want to do.

When I discovered asexuality as a concept, I was floored, and then I felt like this giant weight I had been carrying around my whole life lifted off my shoulders and I could breathe for the first time.

I deeply wish that I had known or had the language to qualify and understand what I was feeling all along. It would have left me with far fewer regrets. I'm really so grateful to you that you are providing this for the young people today so that they don't have to go through that process of self-discovery blindfolded and alone. Thanks so much for all you do!

[Amor_y_Alma]

For sexual vs aesthetic attraction, I usually explain it like a sunset 😂🌄 A sunset is really pretty to look at, but i don't wanna touch it 😂

[ArtichokeHunter]

personally i've been using the term "tactile attraction" for a lot longer than i was exposed to the idea of sensual attraction, and i know it's not commonly used but i definitely prefer it because it doesn't sound like you're saying "sexual" and it also doesn't feel like a kind of euphemism. i think in the wider society, people use "sensual" to refer to things that are perceived as "sexy" enough that outside the ace community, the idea of sensuality is a lot less distinct than something like a tactile experience.

[Fluffy_Wolverine]

me, an ace, writing allo characters: write that down, write that down!
while i knew most of that from your instagram profile, it's good to have everything gathered as a complex portion of knowledge :D thanks!

[lexo]

I clapped when you talked about sensual/sexual attraction. So strongly relate to the feeling of wanting to be close and do some things without wanting to take it all the way to sex. That's been SO HARD in relationships because so many people see that as just the preamble.

[JonathanJimbo]

As an aroace-identified person I've come to the conclusion that attraction in general is a social construct.

The psychological experiences behind the various attractions (or lackthereof) is real, but the way you label them can be just about anything really.

My experience of where libido+arousal is directed quite different from most allo people. 90% directed towards me, 10% paired with aesthetic attraction but not in a "I need to have sex with this person" way (although I wouldn't necessarily rule it out). And it never consistently latches onto specific people so no sexual-"crushes".

Based upon this I can basically conclude that "sexual attraction" is really just an abstract box. Not something that someone actually feels.

I can either draw the box with me in it, or outside of it. For now I've gone with the latter.

[fcjcjy]

For me (aroace) romantic vs platonic attraction means that you want to live your life together with that person, and wanting to make specifically them happy as opposed to wanting to hang out regularly. Not that I know it for sure, because retrospectively I just wanted to hang out with my exes.

And sensual/aesthetic is still confusing to be, maybe I'm mixing it up with envy about the ability to be more feminine and wear feminine clothing without fear/judgment while being male

[sofiesbookishadventures]

I also confused aesthetic attraction with sexual before I knew what asexuality was. I did this with celebrity crushes. I would say I thought they were hot, but I just meant I liked how they looked. I didn't want to have sex with them.

[TheEldritchDarling]

I'm so glad I figured out I experiance fictoaesthetic attraction. C'ause I can recognize when someone is meant to fill the role of typically, societally attractive, but it means nothing to me. But when someone draws a fictional character a certain way, I could stare for hours. (And will probably end up following them for more art) Certain art styles just do that for me, and I am so glad I finally figured it out.

[marjolaine]

thank you for the exemple for aesthetic attraction XD as someone who only came out to myself ace in my 30's, it perfectly describes my feelings for my teenage crushes (or celebrity crushes for that matters). That's confusing when you don't have the concepts to understand it ! And I love how lots of different types of attraction give "dimension" to our friendships and platonic relationships, despite society dismissing it compared to Love (with a big L).

[catelynh]

I think it's good to break down the distinctions of attraction, since our culture really says that any attraction towards a person means you want to be physically intimate with them.

I am a full grown, adult woman, who's told 2 people i like them, and pseudo dated the latter. My experiences with romance are telling someone i had been very close with for almost half a decade that i liked them and didn't expect anything back because i didn't have the parts they preferred in a partner. The other person, after a number of years hanging out in college, i said i liked them and they said they liked me back (it didn't really go anywhere since after every time i tried to reach out, they were busy, and they never tried to proactively find time (ie, "i'm busy tonight but i'll be free tomorrow" type thing) or reach out first. So we never even went on any dates and i just stopped reaching out. I've also had a small number of people say they're interested in me, but every time a person has done that, i've backpedaled hard the moment they wanted to get more physically close or be alone together (in a romantic sense like a date). Oh, and there was a person that everyone said i was attracted to (because i was always watching them) and i would have dated them if i hadn't heard they broke up with their girlfriend right before they reached out to see if i was still interested in them that way; i didn't want to be their rebound which could hurt both of us and said we should wait, but then my best friend who's very similar to me mentally and emotionally ended up dating them instead and after a bit i was able to hang out with both of them not seeing my crush(?) as a datable person (they're married now and i was a big supporter because if they were good enough for me, they were good enough for the person closest to me).

So, with that said, i have no real experience. I realized it was not sexual when my desire for physical contact (hugging, sitting near, maybe holding hands) was the same between that first person i told i liked and my best friend who happens to be my cousin and best friend that i'd go through fire and flame for. You can have a libido but still not want to do anything with the people around you to sate your libido. Which was already a huge lightbulb moment for me.

[Caritas]

I love this video, thank you for making it. I only just figured out that I some aspec last year (at the age of 37), I confused aesthetic attraction for sexual attraction for forever, as well, lol. I believe that my sensual attraction also didn't help with figuring things out sooner. Your content has helped me learn so much about myself and the "are they not the one?" thought is so terribly common in my past too.

[juliegolick]

As someone who is asexual, quoiromantic, and solo polyamorous, I'm in a bit of a funny situation with regards to attraction. For sexual attraction, I can say, "yes, I know what it is, and I know that I have never experienced it." With romantic attraction, I'm just 🤷‍♀ no clue. The feelings I have for my close friends are the exact same feelings I have for my romantic partners, and since I'm also solo poly, I never really feel the need to choose or to closely define whether a relationship is romantic or queerplatonic – usually whatever the other person wants to call it is fine with me. But it's always been so weird to me when people are like, "is this a date or a friend-date?" Like... what's the difference?