What to do when your loved one with dementia calls you mean names

Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)

Today’s video is in response to a recent email I received from another Careblazer. This Careblazer has sacrificed much of her time, money, and career to care for her father with dementia. Her father accuses her of stealing, being a “freeloader,” and of being mean to him. She has tried to tell him that he is wrong, but that hasn’t worked and she is feeling completely overwhelmed and sad about what to do about his naming calling. In today’s video I share my one tip for how to handle rude comments that your loved one with dementia may say to you. I hope you find it helpful. There are many things we are not able to control with this difficult disease. However, the one thing we always have control over is how we choose to think about and respond to those difficult situations. Sometimes our responses can make things worse, and sometimes they can make things better. I hope that you will choose the response that makes things easier for both you, and your loved one with dementia.
______________

FREE Resource:

💌 [LET’S CONNECT]

_____________
CHECK OUT MY POPULAR PLAYLISTS

Dealing with Challenging Behaviors:

______________

OTHER VIDEOS MENTIONED IN THIS VIDEO:
Find out: "why you should lie to your loved one with dementia"
__

In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare

[melissab]

I can't even put the stuff my mother says to me on here. She was my best friend my entire life.

[stevenbolin]

I know that this is true, but it is very difficult to do this when you still get anger and hateful remarks

[gillianlonergan]

This is wonderful advice. The only person we can change is ourselves. The only thoughts we can work with are our own. That's the challenge. Very hard at times in the moment but I am working on it and it does make a difference. Thank you for these videos.

[lindaowens]

Sometimes it just seems like I'm talking to someone who's drunk and they're saying what they really think. :( It just seems like their filter is gone and they say what they feel.

[steveluther]

Please don’t add the music to the beginning of your video. I have hearing problems and I can’t understand anything your saying with the music going. I really appreciate your videos and they have helped me so much. Thank you for all your help.

[zorkwork]

My brother and I recently had to put Mom into a nursing home due to several falls//breaks and now moderate Dementia.She is almost 92 and had lived in a senior apartment building that was lovely and had many nice perks which she enjoyed.
Mom now calls me every day saying horrible hurtful things to me like "your no longer my daughter, don't ever contact me again for what you have done to me!!!"" Forget you ever had a mother!!!!" "and much much worse.
When she calls now-I either don't answer or I say..".I'm sorry you feel that way but I love you.I'll talk to you soon". I know it's the disease but her rage is directed towards me and not my brother.We have been a very close and loving family. I have been a very dedicated daughter despite my mother's controlling behavior. Will I ever be able to have a loving relationship with her again.?
The nursing home is very nice and Mom is engaged in all activities...and seems to enjoy many aspects there is also paranoia because she doesn't understand how bad the dementia has affected her from being safe.I hope it will get better because it's literally impossible to talk to her right now. ..and though I understand it's the disease it still hurts because it's specifically directed toward me and not my brother.

[irisseer]

When he starts calling me a liar and a thief, he becomes unreasonable and delusional. Those thoughts lead to him being fearful and believing there's a thief in the house. And if he can't be calmed down, he starts calling me 'he' and I become the thief. Then it gets really dangerous. Calling me names is nothing compared to this. And I never know when that switch is going to be flipped in his brain. By the time his face changes, it's too late.

[wendydomino]

I can only imagine how many people like this were dumped on the streets in history because people didn't really understand that they were impaired and couldn't help what they were saying. I'm glad in the modern era we understand that it's brain damage and not the person meaning to be cruel.

[kimwilson]

My mom is so nice to everyone but me. She's always been mean to me but now its 100 times worse. She calls me every name in the book, screams, pounds her fists and has gotten after me with scissors twice now. Her neighbor told me that she's been telling crazy stories and that she hates me. None of her friends or church members believe anything is wrong with her! She is just as sweet as can be to them. She only treats me this way. I've about all l can take! She's 71 and lm 47.

[rhondaflanders]

My father lives in a Nursing home and lately he's been accusing the staff of mistreating him. My mother even caught him packing his clothes to go home. She's not able to care for him at home & he's a fall risk(not to mention a very large man).

[piafferider]

Sometimes I can’t help but think demons are involved here…

[marisapaola]

It's difficult to blame the dementia. My father can always put on a victim mentality as soon as my back is turned he tells our visitors that I'm an animal, a dog, a thief, an elder abuser, I slap him, I push him to the floor blah blah. When I drove him to visit my mother's grave he calmly told me he prefered I had died instead of my mother as I was useless and of no importance, when I got him out of the car which was difficult as he is paralyzed on the left side from a stroke, he told me it wasn't fair that God had made him disabled and why couldn't God have made me disabled instead of him, life was unfair. He was just being truthful, he then gave my estranged sister thousands of dollars after a visit and made her PA as he always preferred her anyway as she was tough and strong like him. When you hear these truths it's hard to go back. My sister left him to go on holidays for two weeks, I found him unwashed and sleeping in a soiled bed and unattended, he said he didn't care, and became violent with me, claiming I was jealous of my sister, she was his favourite, why was I causing trouble? He said he never liked me as I was always too soft. I was going through chemo, and he was fixated on my sister and her company, while I was washing and cleaning after him with no help. I no longer have anything to do with this toxic pair, they were the only family I had left in this world, but they were destroying me.

[rondaleistiko]

I really wanted to take My Mom home with me from Yuma az to Portland Oregon. But she became violent with me after Dad her Care taker passed away. He hid it from all of us. I'm afraid her money's going to run out from selling her house and car. I'm afraid to take her out of state and out of Care center that's taking Great care of her and her doctors. But she can't afford it and I can't either I'm on SS myself.

[MsProfessorC]

Thank you. Great advice. What do you do when your spouse with dementia makes up wild mean stories about you and is on the phone complaining to his family? They never accepted his diagnosis and believe whatever he says. It just makes the whole caregiving situation so much more painful.

[origamiandcats]

Your videos have convinced me not to be a careblazer.

[Ocyla]

This is hard when they are so rude and mean to literally everyone. My dad turned into something like a hateful, fire and brimstone style southern Baptist preacher. But hadn't been to church in years and it just a nasty, nasty person. But this helps and I'll keep it in mind when trying to stop arguing with him.

[anona]

It's so hard when they also threaten to call the police on you or threaten to show up at your workplace (because they are convinced you have stolen from them).

[kathaqua]

It is nice to respond with compassion, but what if the loved one then tries to argue and convince you that you are a horrible person who is mistreating them?

[prettyastounding]

I found out that when my mother starts calling me a whore, slut, or thief. Now I find it easy to tell her that I am going to listen to music. I pretend that I cannot hear a word. She finally gets tired and walks away.

[krystynakaniewski]

Well that’s just the same I went through except my brother died a year ago in Jan. He came from FL supposedly to help out w/caring for her except I found out he was a pedephile/cross dresser & who knows what else because papers came to the house for a court date for him but he already died. However all the years I took care of my mother is no appreciation just complaints & accusations of being a hoar.