Men’s Frustration at Women’s Dating Choices

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[minasimonejy]

One of my most profound "aha" moments came to me while watching a movie called the Perks of Being a Wallflower. In the film, a student asks his teacher, “why do good people hook up with bad people.”
He answers, "we accept the love we think we deserve". I realized in that moment that yes, people do horrible things and sometimes, they actually are horrible human beings. But I CHOSE and stayed with them. Why???
If we are brutally honest with ourselves, we can uncover the truth behind the decisions we make. But it takes courage to self reflect and make changes…to admit out loud that I DESERVE BETTER.
So love, trust and cherish yourself. When you do, you don’t crave or need it from someone else. That’s when you are ready to meet your person.

I’m still looking, not for the perfect man - just the man that’s right for me. Round 2…no settling because I have me.

[DaisyPeel]

Holy cow, ive always liked and dated exclusively men who are kind, good partners and teammates, secure, and low ego. Never even went through the Bad Boy phase. We don't all do it

[thecurrentmoment]

But another way to look at it is that the guys a lot of women were choosing in their earlier years were the guys with the most sex appeal, and when they change their focus to 'nicer' guys the implication is that she is accepting less sexually desirable guy. A lot of guys want to be seen as sexually desirable. So to only be accepted once women learn that the guys that are most desirable to them aren't what they want anymore can send the message that "I'm acceptable but not desirable"

However, I think what happens is early on people focus on sex appeal almost exclusively, so they choose the MOST sexually appealing people without regard to much else. As they get more mature they look at other things and see people more holistically and even though a guy might be second or third best in terms of sex appeal, he appeals in a lot of other areas too. So he has a better overall "score" even though he isn't at the top of the sex appeal charts.

I think something similar happens with men as they mature, we get tired of all the BS that comes with women who think their looks is their most important attribute.

[sheenacasteel]

Thank you Hussey- I came back to this video bc I wanted you to know that was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard- to hear you say “you had been there & poured so much of yourself into something or someone & to no avail, basically loosing track of reality essentially or who your were”, has to be the most undeniably the most Authentic beautiful truth coming from a man- I seriously needed to hear this today. To know how much you know how I feel- ❤thank you- it gives me hope & strength because I have been GAMED OUT! I am 40 & feel like I’m seventy five years old when it comes to dating as far as emotionally & mentally I’m BURNT OUT- just trying to break away from getting close to anyone until I am healed up but one thing you say & I’ve heard you say it many times “ options” I have been hurt & I can tell by looking at you that you understand & have as well. I’m so happy you have Love Matthew You deserve it so much❤

[neonfatum]

This is definitely one of the most improtant videos ever made honestly. It's important for guys like him to talk about these fears and misconceptions that many of us have and fall into, without judgment but with compassion and understanding.
We are all socialised to be competitive, to compare outselves to others, to feel inadequate when we don't achieve things. I think for guys that tends to be especially true, and it greatly impacts dating and everyone's experience of it.

It can be tempting to believe that women are just difficult to date unless you're a certain way and to feel like you're second rate when you are eventually "chosen", so to speak. But as he says, it's not a female thing to date that way, and not all women date like that in the first place and it's not right to think that they do.
But still, it can feel like the kindness and whatever else you have to offer just isn't desired by or attractive to anyone until they've had their fun and it's time to settle down. It can feel like you're being denied something that everyone else seems to effortlessly get, and that you're unlovable. We make up all these untrue narratives about our worth, our place in the world, other people, etc., and it's a very isolating and lonely experience. And even if do find success, it's not always enough to feel truly safe, or to undo the pain we felt before. Couple that with bad experiences made, and I think that's where that temptation to be a bit resentful comes from, at least for me.

Almost no one is above making generalisations and feeling resentment sometimes when we feel hurt, but it's important to not let our fleeting emotions cloud our views of others based on their gender or any other attributes they have that aren't their character. Everyone is truly different but at the same time we're the same. We're all just human beings and our physical differences are superficial and meaningless.
It's vital to always believe in the good in people and to always try to lead by example, to bring kindness and positivity into the world and be what you want and expect the people you really want in your life to be like. It only takes one person out there to choose you and to be chosen by you, and realistically there's so many more than just the one out there. It's OK to feel hurt, but it's a disservice to yourself and the people you could love when you lose yourself in negativity and resentment.

[marietresjolie]

I follow you for 10 years Matt and I am so happy to see your content growing up along with you but never missing a hot topic today. Your depth of introspection is crazily good, but I still need to correct one line you claimed in this video: "The closer I get to women the more I'm like..." No, Matt, it is: "The closer I get to MYSELF...". Sometimes it looks like we learn from other people, but many times they are just catalysts of our own inner processes, which I think are very strong with you and along storytelling, your most powerful skill.

[rbir]

So i worked in a prison medical unit. Every year a woman staffer threw her career away by getting with the inmates. These bad boy losers were like a magnet. I dispair.

[genevievemaurano]

I love how vulnerable, honest and insightful Matthew is.

[tiarabellydance]

Wow. I have been watching your videos since years and read your First Book. I always Liked the content, but it has been so beautiful to watch you grow and evolve - same as I did hopefully 😅- and I love how Deep and Rich your new content is. Basicly all I want from a guy now is someone I Can vibe and grow with on an eye to eye Level ❤.

[Hardychelsea]

I love how you said that…some of the things that I dislike in you are some of the things I dislike in myself. I’m learning more and more how much all relationships are mirrors to help us take accountability in our own lives and see the areas we need to work on. 🙏🏼

[username-gh-d]

As someone who has more female than male friends I often hear this "I choose character over looks" and stuff like that and then I see them still running after those guys who are so obvious about to disappoint or even hurt them. Sometimes when we guys and women all sit together and talk about relationships we guys find ourselves almost losing every hope because we see them heading straight into a painful experience. And the worst is they kinda know it, we don't even have to tell them or so. Even if there is another one who's clearly a better choice, what they also seem to be aware of very often, they make the wrong choice. "He looks great, the sex is amazing, he can afford me this and that, ... " and I'm like "didn't you just say you choose character over all this stuff?" somehow there's a lot of "yes but...". So theoretically when they are not attracted to someone, yes, they really prefer character and more desirable values. But as soon as there is someone, those preferences seem to go out the window. But to be honest, who dares to blames them? I did that too. I say I want to have kids one day, I want a woman that gives me a feeling of trust and blah blah blah. And it's not even a year ago that I had a great time with a woman who clearly said to me 1. she doesn't want kids and 2. she doesn't know what she wants from me either. Just because she looked amazing, the sex was awesome and she made me feel desired. And then I cried my stupid eyes out. Some years ago I had a situation with a girl who didn't want to fully commit and another girl enjoying the time with me appreciating my different style and character and the dumbass I am I said no to the second one to get rejected afterwards from first one... One of the most stupid decisions I ever made. So no. It's clearly not only a women-thing.
I guess we just have to learn to understand our wants and needs better, how they affect us, how we behave and why we make stupid decisions.
And most of all learn to control ourselves when biology kicks in.

Maybe that's worth a video?

Edit: But for whatever reason I rarely meet and attract those who would seem to be, don't know better to say, "the right" choice.

[bernardoaraujor]

please put out more content for men, great stuff!

[sarahleewatson]

You've grown up so much. It's been such a pleasure to grow up with you 💛

[fizzbaq]

I’m a man, 31, and have to admit I’m guilty of thinking negatively of what you just described at times.

When I think of my type, it’s the type of girl I couldn’t get in high school but wanted so badly. So well over a decade later when some girls who were THAT girl growing up show genuine interest in me, I can’t help but feel like they see me as settling.

[calumtorn]

One of your best episodes, as a man who watches and listens to your stuff having the odd video towards us and how we feel and also just showing healthy male energy which is so hard to find, I find so helpful so thank you! Also where can I get that hoodie I love it!! Ah!

[infinitedurr]

Nail on the head! I'm a man, I listen to your content regularly. It's singular out there because you're coaching from a perspective on secure attachment, on how to do relationships AS a securely attached person. What you say translates to men too.

What I'd really love to hear about, from you ideally, but a similar peer would also work, is this: how does the sexual side of a securely attached person express if you want to be arousing and stimulating to a partner (ie, "not boring")? In particular, as a man, how do you show up sexually once the relational dynamic has been co-created as safe? How to do this without sex becoming routine?

[TerrySatin]

Love it - it’s amazing what insights time and experience can offer. I’ve been repeating patterns for years. I thought I understood why. BUT the learning doesn’t come as naturally as I thought. I needed to go deeper than I ever realized and now at 65, while I’ve had a lifetime of amazing experiences I’m learning more!! Social media has actually been very helpful with this. Various short reels that hit spots and shake loose a deep memory or connection that helps me deepen my understanding. And now, I am preparing to find the love that I’ve truly desired to walk this final chapter with. Thank you for the work you do Matthew - so happy that you found your lady! ❤

[mrsarkasm]

Hey Matthew, I'm a 25 years man and this episode was really inspiring. Im looking forward to more!

[kristijan]

I'm a millennial and I don't know any girls my age that don't go after the bad boy type. They jump from one bad boy to other, suffering the same outcome every time and they still refuse to change. I'm quite certain I'll never get a girlfriend at this rate because I'm a stable guy who wants a family.

[icebarker]

Isn't there some publication from the institute of family studies that shows that the more intimate partners a woman has had in her life, the higher the rate of divorce for said woman becomes? Or put in different words: If you, as a man, choose a woman that has had many partners, its way more likely for your marriage to end in divorce.