wedding culture is out of control

Grab a cup of tea and get comfortable because we're having a wedding culture debrief! 💍☕️ expensive bachelorettes, falling out at hen dos, the diamond industry, wedding sprawl... let's talk about it.

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[TheAninora]

I think one of the underlying... Issues? With wedding culture is that it in some ways isnt really about the love and union of two people as it perhaps seems on the surface, but inherently it has become THE celebration of you as a person. If you think about what the speeches are normally about, your parents telling you they're proud of you and who you have become as a person (hopefully), your friends saying how much they love you... There just isnt anything else like that. I think birthdays used to be a thing but now it is almost... Uncool? To care about birthdays. And if you (as you mentioned in the video) dont go the traditional route of engagement, wedding, babies. There's a chance you will never be celebrated. Which I think is a bit of a shame and can become a bit of an ulterior purpose of a wedding. It isnt just about the couple, its about you as individuals getting celebrated too. So I definitely understand the psychological desire to make it... Beautiful and perfect and lavish. Because it often feels like the only chance for this.

So... In my mind, the remedy to the wedding pressure and expectations would actually be to celebrate more in the everyday. To celebrate promotions, achieving goals, birthdays, other occasions. Little and often, rather saving it up for this one night, building up the pressure both emotionally and financially.

[Merve]

I really don't know how I want my wedding to look yet but I've seen a tiktok of a bachelorette party where they were in sweatpants, ordered pizza, and watched Shrek and immediately send it to my best friend. This is honestly all I could ever want😂

[rebeccanicola]

Just wanted to mention that wearing white to your wedding is not actually an ancient symbol of purity or virginity, it's actually relatively recent. Women used to just wear their best dress to get married in and often for very rich brides their best dress would be white because white was a more difficult / expensive fabric to keep clean pre-washing machines. It was more a symbol of wealth than anything else. It was only when queen victoria wore a white dress for her wedding in 1840 that the trend really took off and has been seen as the 'traditional choice' ever since. All the ideas about purity and whatnot were kind of added in afterwards

[woirm]

Things I did for my wedding that I would recommend:
1. Small bridal party of 4 friends. Gave them a colour scheme to find dresses within their own budgets. Asked them to organise a bridal shower garden party in my backyard for other female- presenting guests, and then had my sisters and sister in law and bridal party stay that night for a sleepover and watch good movies. We could’ve gone out but ultimately we were tired from the day and happy to stay in our pjs. :)
2. No customised wedding favours or things like that, I totally agree how wasteful they are. Signature cocktails, all that jazz, it’s just more money spent on a party that’s already good and doesn’t need much more. For invitations my sister helped me design some invites that we just mass-printed at an office shop, and mailed out. Thought about the fancy embossed invites, but ultimately it would be so much money for something that very few people would keep.
3. Made different spotify playlists for pre ceremony, downtime, and dancing, so we could switch up the vibes as needed. Didn’t need a dj, we could access the phone from the dancefloor if we wanted to play a specific song.
3. I was conscious of the inherent ‘lose weight before your wedding’ concept in wedding dress shopping, so I went in with a clear mindset of ‘how I look now is how I’ll look then’. I shopped for the current me. I wore my glasses because I never wear contacts, and I wore flats because I don’t wear heels.
4. My sister did my hair, and I did my makeup. It saved me money and I had absolute control over how it looked ie. I looked like myself on my wedding day. I do think that hiring someone to glam you up is a luxury, not a necessity. One of my bridesmaids chose to go get her own hair and makeup done and then return while we were getting ready, the rest sorted themselves out. That was discussion I had with all of them.
5. We were selective in the traditions we observed. No garter or bouquet toss. We did a simultaneous father/daughter and mother/son dance that transitioned into our first dance. We cut the cake. The MC read ‘telegrams’ from various family and friends who couldn’t be there in person. 4 speeches total. I hadn’t heard of the bride not speaking, we stood up together and I ended up doing the thanking everyone for being there.
6. Choosing a venue which is inherently aesthetic or photogenic means your decoration can be super simple, if you decorate at all. Lovely old trees, or colourful bookshelves, were perfect backdrops for our photos.
7. Being conscious of the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed, we planned to take some time away between ceremony and reception. I also went to bed on time and didn’t drink too much the night before to maximise my chances of being resilient and in a good mood.
8. Small wedding, <50 people, meant that I could spend time having conversations with all of my guests.

Things I did which I probably didn’t need to do:
1. A big cake. We could’ve gotten away with a single tier cake easily, the venue served separate desserts anyway. People aren’t there for the cake.
2. Going over-budget on my dress. I loved my dress and nothing could replace it when I was dress shopping, but looking back I could’ve found something just as good for less. I did manage to sell it on though which got me some of that money back, but that took a while and wasn’t guaranteed. My tip is, when they’re selling you on a more expensive dress by listing the little details and the train etc. etc. remember that virtually no one will see or notice any of that. They’ll see you looking happy in a pretty dress. All you need is a dress that you’re comfortable in and that makes you feel special. If you can find a second hand dress that’s ideal, but I struggled to find what I wanted in my size online secondhand.

I hope these tips can help someone who’s maybe feeling overwhelmed by all the ‘should’s of the wedding industry. You are the expert on what works best for you. :)

[GlareUsy]

I have zero intention to share any of our wedding online but photos are still the most important thing for me because they'll forever be the most accessible memories we get to keep. A lot of friends and family members will still be part of the photos in 50 years when we can't talk to them anymore and there's nothing more precious to me.

[ellastoneley]

I’m SO glad someone is saying this. Weddings have gone insane. Love weddings, love seeing people so happy, but I really want everyone to come down to earth a bit and consider what is actually important to them. You don’t have to do everything the way you see celebrities do it! Also I suppose the way your parents etc did it. Do all those traditions serve you?

[rosiered]

When you mentioned lab grown diamonds "not being as pure" it reminded me of when my sambo and I bought my engagement ring, I was literally told by the jeweller that if he wasn't buying me "real" diamonds then he didn't really love me. Needless to say we went to a different jeweler.
As for the length of an engagement, I've been engaged for almost 3 years, not to prolong any celebrations, but because after we got engaged we realised how expensive weddings can be and we decided to concentrate on buying a house instead 🤷🏼‍♀️

[p.s.itsaudrey]

I'd like to add my two cents as a working musician- I have played many weddings over the course of my career (classical, fiddle music etc in Canada and Ireland). And you're absolutely right that we usually do mark up the price significantly for weddings, but often the cost includes us practicing, dressing up (cost of nice heels etc to look presentable especially the cost as a woman to look presentable compared with the men I work with), and sometimes the cost of travelling and sitting around for hours waiting to play plus rehearsals as well as learning specific music for the ceremonies (so in the end, I think getting paid around €900 for a trio seems like a lot of money and it is a lot of money! But factoring in all the rest of the things involved I do think it is a fair price).

Also, I do think that as a musician, weddings are honestly the only time where people don't try to haggle down our price and I don't have to fight for a fair wage (as opposed to pubs, festivals, etc. that often will try to pay us nothing). I do think that in terms of renting space a wedding tax is ridiculous as it would otherwise be sitting there unused, but to have a duo or trio show up to perform for a crowd I do hope that people continue to value live music.

Brilliant video as always, and I really love all the points that you have mentioned. I have had to decline to attend two weddings already in the last year due to the cost of attendance!! And for what it is worth I really enjoy listening to your opinions on everything, thank you for all your hard work!

[intestina]

The best advice we got for our wedding was to focus on what was important to us - spend money or time on that and forget about the other stuff. For us that was the music for the ceremony and the food for the party. We hired our most talented friends to play and ordered an incredible Italian buffet. My shoes were second hand and my veil was borrowed from a friend. My grandmother was a florist when she was young so she grew and bound the wedding bouquet. We skipped cake completely and got ice cream for everyone instead. It was magical and felt like us 💒

[juliaswortz]

My partner is in his friends wedding in September and it’s black tie, with a cocktail rehearsal dinner the evening before. He has to have 2 separate suits for it. It’s also expected we stay at the hotel they suggested. Our friends all make far more money than we do and the cost just to attend has been astronomical. We’re letting all of our friends marry first so we can learn from their mistakes and have a low key affordable and fun wedding.

[musiclife]

My bachelorette party was a sleepover at my sister’s apartment in a commutable city. We watched Disney movies, danced to Beyoncé, ate pizza, and had brunch in the morning.

[maryam.m]

I've attended a fair share of weddings in my day and I've always enjoyed the smaller, more intimate affairs where the couple is clearly having a good time with friends and family over the big elaborate festivities where you know the families are just trying to appease societal expectations. Having also seen the planning side of these kinds of events, the costs for throwing a wedding is beyond astronomical. One silver lining from the pandemic, I think, was giving young couples permission to host much smaller weddings with just their core circles, and livestreaming for everyone else who couldn't be there in person but wanted to witness the union and send their well-wishes anyway.

[Carla]

Wedding Co-ordinator here! 👋🏼 So I work at a beautiful country house estate and my job is literally to plan people's weddings, so I have a few thoughts lol. Firstly and I cannot stress this enough, weddings are primarily a business. I'm literally paid to act excited about your engagement and convince you that you should get married at our venue - every venue has a core team that does this. And that's not to say that we don't care about your wedding because most of the time we really do, but in order for us to make money as a business, we have to sell you something. I'm dealing with weddings from 5k to 50k. Most couples put themselves in debt and take out loans to pay for their wedding and it's very rarely because of societal expectations, it's because they want the 'big day.' Your wedding day is marketed as the most special day of your life and so no expense should be spared and for a lot of people this is true, so they go wild but I'd really encourage everyone to just go simple. I've seen couples spend thousands on their wedding day only to find the groom in bed with a bridesmaid the night of the wedding. Yes, I'm serious. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I've seen a lot of weddings and the best ones are small and simple. Speaking from experience - I have a lab grown diamond ring and I'm getting married in a laid back setting with about 15 people and there's not one part of me that feels like I'm missing out now that I know what the behind the scenes of weddings are like. Maybe something to think about if you're engaged and planning your wedding

[figarothecat]

i just want a bachelorette party to be like the one in princess diaries: royal engagement. pjs, cute snacks, fun movies, board games, etc etc. elementary school slumber party vibes

[daisyrye]

As a recently married woman I absolutely love that you're voicing this! We eloped for our wedding, it wasn't cheap but it was far, far cheaper than the average wedding. I never had any desire to get married when I was younger but when I met my now husband I knew I wanted to get married. When we explained how we wanted to do things, a lot of people were upset and wanted us to do more. I just find it MAD that something you spend so much money on and is ultimately just about two people, has such strict social rules on how you should do it and how much money you should spend. Thank you for talking about this x

[watashiwamosura]

My best friend of 28 years and I drifted apart because of her wedding. When it came to choosing a maid of honour, she chose our friend instead because they're great at organization which was fine with me and I would be a bridesmaid. I'm disabled and chronically ill, so I find it very hard to travel, and she moved a few hours away with her then fiance.This meant that when it came to "bridal party duties" ie lots of lunches, dinners, etc, I wasn't able to make it. I did however, push myself to be there for the important things like choosing her dress. She called me out of the blue one day and told me that it wasn't fair to the other bridesmaids because they were making an effort and that she didn't think it was fair that I be a bridesmaid if I couldn't attend the bridal party get togethers. So that was that. It hurt me deeply, but I was still excited for her wedding. Having to watch them all take photos on the day while I waited awkwardly on the side was extra hurtful too because it was as if I didn't exist. A rift formed between us when she asked me to step down as a bridesmaid and our relationship has never recovered from it. I didn't ask to be sick.

[amandalh]

Totally agree. Married 28 years ago. Fortunate to use a diamond of my mothers for a refashioned ring, no sepate wedding ring, no hen do, married in gardens, arrived together, said vows, had picnic etc. Wore lilac trouser suit that continued to wear for years. Perfect.

[linnearoyale]

instead of an engagement ring we spent money on a chef’s tasting, instead of a wedding we got married under a tree with two witness. we didn’t take on any debt, used our savings for a house and the small engagement and wedding was so incredibly romantic and stress free. I never missed the party or the ring - neither have been needed to celebrate our commitment.

thanks for the video, I wish more people feel empowered to make these decisions if they feel uncomfortable spending that much money or asking others to. ETA also not having or wanting to take on any of the anxiety or expectations on a day where I wanted the sole focus just on the commitment I was making to and with my partner.

[tatetate]

as someone who has been with my partner for 10 years (still unmarried) and is in their late 20s/early 30s this video stuck me right at the right time! Agreed 95%—I think things are getting out of control, and at the same time I love celebrating love and like the event as a chance to do so. I wish we took weddings WAY down in intensity + cost and reallocated some of that effort and money onto other celebrations and events (promotions! creative projects! graduations! friendaversaries!)

[andgraciewashername]

My housemate had literally a huge sleepover for bachelorette party. She organised catering and a company to decorate the space but she covered the cost ! As for her wedding, the only thing we had to buy was the dress (only $150 aud) and her mum altered them all for us. The bride paid for hair & we all helped with makeup and the bride did her own !
I think she paid a lot for her wedding but really worked to NOT put that onto her wedding party