Why Asian Parents Never Say I Love You

Why do Asian parents never say "I love you"? Well, it turns out there's more to this phenomenon than just "actions over words."

0:00 Intro
2:30 Exploring cultural differences in using "I Love You"
13:06 Love, social hierarchy and power dynamics
20:56 A future where asian parents say i love you more?
25:25 Conclusion

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References

Ahhhh I enjoyed reading up on all the research for this video so much, if I had to recommend one paper to read from the list it would be Potter's work!! She made a lot of insightful and heartbreaking observations on the repression of emotion as she observed rural Chinese villagers, and she had such incredible comparisons of cultural differences in saying i love you between China and America. Such a good read!

Academic references

Hsu, F. L. K. (1981). Americans and Chinese: Passage to differences (3rd ed.). Honolulu, HI: University of Hawaii Press.

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Sources

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Video references

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Tags:
video essay, cultural commentary, social commentary, internet analysis, analysis video, asian parents, i love you, love, expressions of love, love languages, acts of service, words of affirmation, east asia, sociocultural essay, verbal expression, love through actions, cultural norms, parenting styles, asian parents, asian culture, asian family, cultural differences, bicultural upbringing, asian diaspora, asian values, nonverbal communication, asian communication styles, emotional expression, cultural beliefs, filial piety, traditional parenting, confucianism, china, korea, japan, chinese culture, korean culture, japanese culture, asian relationships, parent child relationship, asian parenting, cultural expectations, asian traditions, intergenerational relationships, parental love, east asian cultures, edvasian, rotten mango, mina le, gabi belle, not even emily, chinese with mia, kookielit

[kyattogallery]

My bf (from Japan) was confused when I said I love you so freely to him. I explained to him what my mom told me: “life is full of ups and downs and you never know what will happen. So I always want you to remember that I love you. Even if we fight or have struggles, when you’re sad or depressed, when you’re scared and alone. I want you to know that no matter what I love you..” He says “love you” now whenever he leaves the house.

[willocoptor]

I’ve been fortunate to have asian parents that freely and often express that they love me. Every call, we end with a I love you

[resorufin]

It took almost two years of saying "I love you" to my mom and grandma before they started saying it back. Heck, even across my family they're wondering what sort of magic I cast to get that to happen.

[calvin]

"Ok" is literally the best my parents give me in my entire 20years

[Tom-ahawk]

No judgement ever. I get it. But for me, saying I love you to my mom and girlfriend daily are things that bring me through the day. It genuinely feels good and never feels like it loses meaning. In some cases it is downright healing to my mental state.

[natlbg]

I have asian parents, I think that I never heard them say "I love you" once. My problem now is that I have no idea how to show affection other than services and helping. Just saying "I love you" seems so strange to me, it doesn't feel authentic when I try to say it. I know that my parents love me but I don't think we can express our feelings openly.

[WesternCommie]

Something I've noticed about the "I love you" thing from the west, is that sometimes you just don't know if you will see the person again. Someone could pass because of an accident and whatever you said last is the thing you'll remember. Saying "I love you" to someone could bring peace of mind...

[liselottehildegarde]

I relate to this so much! As the eldest daughter in a Filipino-Chinese family, I've never heard my parents, " I'm sorry" ever in my life even when I was unjustly accused or beaten. The last I've ever heard my parent say " I love you" was when I was 5 years old.

[Jennysarchival]

I recently had a big fight with my mom about this. I'm a first generation Chinese immigrant in Germany and even though my parents are more open with their affection than other Chinese parents it still always bothered me how they would say such hurtful words during fights and just pretend nothing happened after a while (not a even an act of apology). My birthday was recently and my parents neither called nor texted me on my birthday. I kinda expected it but it still hurt. The following weekend was my birthday party and my parents cooked a huge Chinese buffet for my friends and I. The party was great but I just couldn't shake off the heavy heart of my parents not saying "Happy birthday" even once. The feeling persisted for a week and I finally decided to call my mom and tell her how much it bothered me and my mom was understanding at first but then got angry at how ungrateful I was. Don't get me wrong I'm super grateful that they did the party for me but I also told her "You could have saved 100€ and just texted me happy birthday and I would have been twice as happy". Then a fight broke out and she insulted me a few times. We kinda talked it out and after the call she texted me "Mom and dad will forever love you, remember that". I just felt instantly how this one message healed every crack in my heart. Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a western mindset since my parents do so many acts of services but I hate how they always insult me (weight related and high expectations) and just throw money at me to shrug it off. Maybe it's my immaturity I don't know. Over the years I've learned to deal with their way of showing affection and my parents have learned to say that they do in fact love me sometimes. I guess it's a learning process for us all.

[hibikino]

"Welcome to Costco. I love you."

[lterivy]

please never stop making these videos! cultural literacy helps us to stop judging and start understanding people who act and behave differently. americans are so bad at thinking our values are superior and seeing other cultures as inferior. these videos really help❤

[michaeladu]

I'm from Ghana and this all feels so relatable. Saying 'I love you' sort of feels like a really powerful thing than you say anyhow. Saying you love someone is only ever used on a few rare occasions, usually between couples and in church when we say "Jesus loves you."

[sacflyy]

in my language (serbian), saying a full on "volim te" ("i love you") sounds too heavy, but over time we've started saying the abbreviation "vt" between friends, which probably stems from texting, and it sounds much more casual! i think the ways in which languages adapt are so cool

[mackmaster]

The last seconds with your grandparents giving fruits was so nice and cute!

[evildoesnotsleep-xb]

I can't imagine what it would have made me not to have my mom's love shining on me, warm and open

[eftwli]

Some real problems happen when some toxic Chinese parents not only refuse to say ‘I love you’, but also explicitly and constantly say ‘I hate you’ or ‘you are such a bad/disobedient kid compared to the child of my friend’. Their assertion of dominance in the confucian society in this way can have very profound impact on their children’s psychological development. Their children can become very depressed in their childhood, and sarcastically, when the children grow up, they will repeat this to their own children and then this ideology passes on from generation to generation 😢😢

[kai]

European here. Every time i have lost a loved one i just wished i would have said and expressed my love more during the time we had. I should say it much more often.

[LaddTrn]

I think the western ‘I Love You’ can serve two purposes too depending on context and emotions expressed behind it. We have the causal ‘I Love You’ that you may say at the end of an interaction as maybe a lite reminder and the rarer one where we might bring some one in close and with deep emotion express ‘I Love You’ when we’re really feeling it. I don’t think saying it often cheapens the later expression at all.

[fishfish]

“Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. Try not to take it personally.”
― Kamand Kojouri

[pairofrooks]

I'm an older midwestern white american that married chinese, and we've had these discussions. It's perfectly possible to overuse words until they have no meaning anymore, but also, acts of service isn't an either-or choice versus words of kindness. A good parent uses both. And knows when NOT to use them.

I've seen parents guilt-trip their kids, even young ones, by saying how much they work for them when it's really just basic parenting duties and I come down pretty harshly on that. Children aren't there to serve adults. I've seen this more often in chinese circles because while it must also happen in american ones, the american ones tend to hide that kind of treatment from other americans for the obvious reason of being called out on that behaviour by other adults.