Why We Don't 'Move On' from Grief | MeCircle

Life after a loss is difficult. But it's okay not to "get over" grief. Here's why.

Grief after the loss of someone you love is hard. Many people don't know how to cope with the grief that results from life after loss. And loss negatively affects your mental health and can lead to depression. In our MedCircle educational series on grief, leading psychologist Dr. Judy Ho explains how to deal with grief, the steps to healing, how therapy can help, how relationships with others can help, and how recovery after the loss of a loved one is possible. This educational interview is one you don't want to miss.

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ABOUT THE SERIES:
Psychologist Dr. Judy Ho has helped many patients work through their grief and find recovery. In this MedCircle Educational series, she teaches those same coping skills to help viewers work through the loss of a loved one, a job, a relationship, and more. Not only that, but this series will teach you personal growth, how empathy can help with grief, the psychology of grief, and much more.

[MedCircle]

Dr. Judy's advice for those working through grief: "don't chase the sameness." Leave YOUR #1 piece of advice below for someone who is trying to work through grief.

[FSCHW]

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest.

Grief is just love with no place to go” ~ Jamie Anderson

[betterbrainhealing]

I lost my daughter at age 25 after taking care of her for 6 years after a car accident and tbi left her completely dependent on me or others for daily living. She was recovering at home under my care when she unexpectedly died in my arms. She was my daughter, best friend, my job and daily companion and source of joy and purpose. I don’t know how any parent can get over that.

[chocanofl]

I lost my dear Mother three weeks ago. It feels unbearable. I already miss her so much.😢 I love you, Mama.❤

[farblefumble]

I had six miscarriages before we had our daughter. No one cares when you miscarry. You hear phrases like "what nature doesn't want it washes away, " or "it's probably for the best, " or my personal favorite "maybe God doesn't want you to have children." After our daughter was born I suffered two more. I found a support group, but the grief never goes away. The other day I was cleaning out our spare bedroom to make it a playroom, and I cried. There should be another child in that room. This has motivated me to get a degree in counseling to help those dealing with miscarriage, infertility, and child loss.

[MsLadyP]

I lost my youngest son 6 years ago. The pain was unimaginable. I learned after a few years and noticing I had changed. I did and still do hold on to my faith in God. I felt no one truly understood what had happened. My child of 28 years old was gone, killed in hit and run 2 days before his 29th birthday. I felt my church was not there after they felt I had grieved enough, some even said you can’t grieve so emotionally. I am not the same person I was so maybe this is the me God meant for me. After 2 therapist, I’m holding on to God!

[aparkify]

My dad passed away a week ago. On the day of his funeral, one of my best friends unexpectedly died. I don't even know how start processing this double loss.

[rudygriego]

I lost my Mama Thanksgiving 2023 has been the most painful thing I ever ever gone through. Somedays I don’t wanna continue without her she was my best friend my everything my mother I miss you mom so much

[susanmendoza]

I lost my husband a few wks ago an I will never get over he was my love and my soul. Mate he was 73 but I will join him when gods wants!

[CkCmilliemoo]

With the loss of my husband unexpectedly 2 years ago. I will never get over it. I will LIVE WITH IT.

[range]

I'm eight years out from the death of my husband, lover, soulmate. I had a nervous breakdown after and just getting back to a normal routine. Andrew will always be with me, it's something I will live with forever. Love you baby.

[susanbishop]

My Husband died in September, we were married 45 years, I miss him so much. I am thankful I have God in my life, so I know I will see him again and he is in heaven and out of pain. ❤

[munchywizard]

My story is too long to type out comfortably.
I will just say this: I have experienced more death than years I have been alive.
The numbers started surpassing me in my early 20's.

Something I've learned that I want to share to anyone reading this.
It has been a comforting realization.
"No one is truly gone until they are forgotten. The fact of the matter is too, they affected you. Helped shape you into whom you are today. You carry them with you each and every day.
Even if you can't process it all right now and have to soldier up to get through the muck of life. Keep marching and you will come out on the other side a stronger version of yourself. But be kind to yourself, it's easy to freefall from the precipice."

[kierlak]

Divorce for me was like a double loss: losing a partner plus a best friend... once had an anxiety attack (was in therapy at the time processing my childhood trauma/grieving childhood losses so went straight to my Inner Child, closed my eyes, hugged myself and assured him that I will take care of him). Never had an anxiety attack ever since.

What else helped me ? Writing/journalling. I wrote my now ex-wife's flaws. I sometimes just sat and cried and grieved. There was anger so worked on that too as anger is a surface level emotion. I worked on forgiveness towards my ex-wife too. I sometimes was writing letter to my ex-wife (not sending them, just for myself to explore my emotions) about how much she meant to me, how she did hurt me and that my heart was telling me to remember "the good stuff" and let go.

Grief is hard. But I think the best way to deal with it is just to grieve, allow yourself every now and again to feel the pain. And also surround yourself with people who can be there with you and offer empathy, i.e. not giving you advice etc. people who can just sit with you in silence.

Over time grief gets better. So just don't rush things. And don't run away from feeling the pain. You can only heal what you're willing to feel ❤

And learn to treat yourself with compassion. IFS therapy helped me to separate myself from my "parts" and to attend to them with love. Not trying to get rid of them. CFT, ACT are also a good modalities to try. Treating yourself as a best friend. Very often we have inner critic telling us to "move on" from grief etc. But the problem with that is we just prolong our suffering by sweeping things/emotions under the rug. After a loss, people often "get busy" with work etc. They sometimes lash out, suppress their pain, use alcohol to cope etc.

Also it's important to do other stuff other than grieving. Give yourself breaks, watch something funny or meet up with a friend. It's totally okay and necessary to do stuff like this so we don't drown in grief and can eventually "move with" grief.

[sunflower]

September was 4 years since I lost my mum. Her entire 12 year illness was extremely traumatic, it was even more difficult being unable to do anything to ease the suffering during the 12 years. The way she passed was even more traumatic and in the 4 years I have struggled to sit alone and just cry. I just feel like a constant inward sadness and nothing makes me happy. I know it is so many years but I do not know how to move forward and be happy. I feel so lost!

[ThisIsMe]

I am seeing this video in the midst of feelings of 'intense' grief and sadness for my wonderful, amazing and brilliant nephew (twin brother's son), John (aged 24), who passed away as the result of a 'dreadful' and tragic' accident on an island off the coast of Thailand while enjoying a 'dream' (turned out to be a 'nitemare' ) holiday with two of his best friends there. This child is 'not' the first v loved child his Mum has lost, there have been others. She is beyond amazing ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐!! His Mum, his sister (my brilliant and beautiful niece, aged 25), my brother (John) and his step-brother, Paul, are getting on with things as best they can. We all are 😢!!
God, Please Provide Comfort To This Grief-Stricken Family to deal with this 'surreal' and 'savage' life experience 💔😥💔.
Your Ways Are Not Our Ways. 💔🙏💔🙏🌹🌹🌹

[thecharger]

It is better to grieve the loss of someone or something than to never have had something to care so much about. Losing someone doesn’t leave you with nothing. Though you lose their continued existence in your life, you still have your memory of them and that is something you can still enjoy.

[larissapetulla]

I was 19 when I my first child was born, a daughter that was just beautiful, she was born at full term however medical negligence that occurred caused her to be stillborn. The hospital went into “damage control” they closed ranks and only treating staff spoke to me about my physical recovery, they refused to speak about my daughter or my emotional well-being, the shock of my loss delayed my grief, then as every year past my grief was tinged with anger at the senseless of her death, the fact that the staff entrusted with my pregnancy and her safety were the reason she wasn’t here, losing a loved one who left a life time of memories is hard enough, losing a baby who never created memories beyond the womb is cruel. She should be 24 now, and I’ve missed out on every opportunity to watch her grow up, I can’t ever get over that.

[BlondieG]

My first severe sorrow was losing my 16 year old son in a car accident. I knew my life would never be the same. He passed away 16 years ago and then I lost my 71 year old dad to brain cancer 8 years after my son died.
My son’s friends have been a great solace over all these years, more so than any adult.
There is life before my son’s death and after his unexpected death. I miss them both (they were great pals). People always ask me how I deal with losing my son the day before his 16th birthday. No parent should be picking out a casket on their child’s birthday! Bittersweet, for sure. The way I deal with the devastating pain is to cry whenever I need to and turn to my faith. That might not be the best for you personally, but it’s how I cope. I love it when people tell me a funny story or something they loved and admired about him. I came to not ask “why”after 3 months. I still had a 10 yo daughter that needed me. It was only just 3 weeks ago that me and my husband of 35 years, cried together for our son and my dad. Those were hard tears for him! I just want add that you will eventually not cry as much, but when you do, let those tears heal your soul. I find it cathartic to cry alone for my firstborn bc I grieve much differently than my husband. You will never “get over it”, but you find a new normal way to live and survive. I’m proud of my son and what he accomplished while he was with us such a brief time.
I didn’t go to any grief counseling but go if you feel yourself on shaky ground emotionally. Thanks for allowing me to share my story. If you’ve lost a child, too, please feel free to add your story. I judge no one, as it’s not my place. Safe harbor 💙😘

[trinaperfect]

I can't believe now precise has the timing been for this one it's scary.

This Saturday I lost my boyfriend to a heart attack. He was my age (25). I didn't expect that at all, and it obviously hit me very hard.

I feel like the idea of getting over it one day is the one that scares me the most. It feels like a betrayal anytime I feel "ok" these days.

People's help and words do help somehow. Even if it is "I'm there for you" it does feel better (if it's possible to be better)

But its nothing but a rollercoaster, I am sometimes ok and sometimes absolutely devastated, sometimes angry at him for having worked so much and not taking enough care of himself, or I am angry at myself for not saying whatever I needed to say. Sometimes I feel like he is alive and it's all a joke and it's all fake and he will come back now. Or I feel his touch or kiss almost like physically at times. I do cry and I do laugh and I do feel guilty for both.

Thank you for these videos. I wish they would never be THIS relatable