Non binary pronouns and they / them

What are pronouns? Why are they important? How can you be respectful and inclusive when you're using them? What do gender neutral pronouns have to do with it?

All of these questions answered and more as I talk about the use of they/them/theirs pronouns, honoring the pronouns of others, and creating educational moments from slip ups in conversation about gender.

Links to more info:
What You're Actually Saying When You Ignore Someone's Gender Pronouns:
They're here, get used to them: why gender neutral pronouns are not "radical":
Gender Pronouns:
Sexuality and Gender Activism:
Gender-specific and Gender Neutral Pronouns:
Gender Neutral Pronouns:

For educational videos about discovering and working through your own gender identity, check out the Gender Resources playlist:

To learn more about gender, hear from folks whose experience is different from your own, and expand your understanding of how humans interact with gender, check out The Gender Tag Project playlist:
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A. Wylde is a queer and gender nonbinary writer, activist, and travel enthusiast. Wylde publishes YouTube videos weekly on her channel Atlas’s Wylde Life, and is the creator of The Gender Tag Project, a project exploring the complex ideas of sex, gender roles, gender identity, and gender expression, which has inspired over 1,000 individual videos responses.

Her work on The Gender Tag Project also sparked an invitation to speak at TEDxCSU 2016, and she continues to give speeches and facilitate workshops on the subject to university audiences.

For professional and booking inquiries:
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Find me here:
TikTok: @awylde_

[randelaoveer]

Honest question- Do you actually ask people their pronouns every time you meet someone new?

[ZombieChan]

Hello I identify as bi-gender, and I'm sorry but I disagree. Its one thing if someone knows what your gender identity is, and they are purposely being hurtful. Its something else entirely if the person is just unaware, and uses pronouns that reflect how you look. Politely correct them, and move on. Is it a good idea to use gender neutral pronouns when they aren't sure...yes!. However you can't expect someone to change their daily interactions with other people because of less then 1% of the population. Also some people might be offended that you even ask for their pronouns.

To be fair though I don't have any preferred pronouns. Call me whatever you want as long as you call me ;)

[HuManlg]

She acts like I don’t know what a pronoun is

[bilvotel]

"She" in german is "Sie". The formal version of "you" is also "Sie". And "They" is also "sie". I think we got a problem.

[KathRob]

I think what would hold me back from just simply asking, is the fear that they may be offended that their gender isn't obvious. For some ppl it may feel like being misgendered.

[TwinklemySoul]

If you use 'they' or 'them' while referring to one individual it will cause serious 'they', 'them' pronouns are gender neutral but they are used traditionally to refer to a group of people not one single individual

[lollipopcorndog]

Then I feel like I’m talking about more than one person.

[OrionsRepresentative]

I find it so interesting how different languages treat this stuff. Like in Farsi there is no gender, the same word is used for he/she/singular they, its just 'u'. Whereas in Arabic and Hebrew there's not only a distinction between he and she, but when there are different forms of the word for 'you' dependent on the person's gender. It must be awkward to ask someone's pronouns in languages where your forced to use gendered language no matter what!

[choncedarabbit]

I don't completely understand why someone would want to be called they or them by default, it's so confusing because that's super hard to remember and even then it's really hard to maneuver around and use sometimes

[ericacm]

I am hesitant to ask people what their pronouns are because what if they think it should be obvious and I offend them by asking?

[JMS]

I do not want to ask anyone if they want me to use any special pronouns for that person. It would be tiresome, and unnecessary. Also, "they"/"them" are plural pronouns, not for referring to a singular person; using those for one single person will be confusing. Finally, I do not agree with twisting language for ideological purposes, especially when that will go against truth and reality.

[Kingconquest]

one question i have is, where is the line when it comes to deconstructing language and culture to suit a minority group of people? like, who sets the rules when it comes to imposing new social practices such as asking people what their pronouns are? do we now have to ask everyone what their pronouns are as if it is a perfectly reasonable thing to do? is it only reasonable because it suits the non-binary condition? what if i take offense to someone asking me if I'm a boy or a girl? what if my stance is that you should know based on how i present myself, and i consider it disrespectful if you have to ask me? like, i dress and act a certain way because that is how i wish to be perceived. me personally, i would rather correct someone than have someone ask me what i am. thats insulting to me. however, i also do not have the right to demand anyone's respect. im just wondering, if the purpose is to blindly "respect" everyone regardless of their association (or lack thereof) with an individual, then couldn't it be considered non-inclusive and disrespectful to impose that members of society operate under rules defined by a group of people who self identify as suffering from "gender dysphoria, " a psychological disorder? would that be comparable to people suffering from depression imposing that everyone be nice to them because their life is so unbearable as it is? who are you to impose that i respect your condition? who am i to impose that you respect mine? respect is earned, not demanded.

i completely understand the purpose of your channel as an educational glimpse into what it means to be non-binary. however, i find that we start to tread on shaky ground when we say people have a "problem, " because of how they use language and see the world. its a different story if you correct someone and they purposely call you by the wrong pronoun.. that's disrespectful. however, i can't see how its DISRESPECTFUL to assume based on how someone presents themselves. we are a dimorphic species.. its only natural that we assume based on the two sexes prevalent in nature.

i'm sorry, but im not going to go around asking people what pronoun they want me to use on them as if to assume everyone suffers from gender dysphoria. however, if i call you HE, and you correct me, i will use the pronoun you want me to use.. that's respect.

[demiurge]

What if they get insulted that you ask them the pronouns? What if they feel they are feminine or masculine enough to be determined by appearance?

[drbirtles]

I'm new to this topic and trying to find my values, so forgive me if I make a mistake, but I'm often torn on this issue.

Due to the vast majority of folks globally (inductively speaking) being categorised as CIS, I don't see is as a necessarily malicious act when one assumes a gender pronoun, especially if the reference is towards someone who may hold attributes often associated with gender (Female features e.g. breasts, lack of adams apple etc etc)

So I tend to operate on a once-corrected basis. I will inductively presume gender (as asking pronouns all the time does cause inconvenience and sanctimonious connotations in day to day discourse) but once corrected e.g. "Sorry I actually identify as (blank)" I will out of respect continue forth using their preferred pronouns.

Do you think this is an acceptable balance for valuing their identity whilst keeping pragmatic day-to-day social interactions less cumbersome?

I have tried asking pronouns before each and every new conversation and I often find it leads me into a discussion I don't necessarily want to have all the time (hence cumbersome), and perhaps makes me appear like I feel my subjective values are something that should be a standard, which doesn't tie into my ethical views. Not a good way to start a new conversation :(

I'd really like your opinion on this. Thank you :)

[MarkMiller]

Can I use ‘it’ as a gender neutral pronoun, it’s less confusing than using plurals for a singular person.

[KEMchannel]

this is really confusing and hard to adjust since ive been taught differently when I started school.

[shelbychuday]

I’m sorry if this is an ignorant question. I get using they/them/their aka gender neutral pronouns for non-binary, but what about gender fluid/bu-gender? Are gender neutral pronouns still appropriate? I know some gender fluid people who feel more feminine some days and masculine other days but I don’t know if I should be switching the pronouns based on how they feel that day? Confused

[juliahannigan]

Hey, Ashley, how do you feel about pronouns such as xir/xirs and hir/hirs and how can someone gain a better understanding of them?

[beevx]

I have a question like how do you talk/address someone with
they/them pronouns

[gas]

It's time to stop
This is cancer.
This is so much cancer,
I can literally feel the tumors growing on my back.