The Battle of Parenting a Neurodivergent Child #asd

Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. #ActuallyAutistic #orionkelly #autism #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike #asd

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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (YouTuber), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.

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[sweetlolitaChii]

My S.O. got told by his mom "I hope you get a child exactly like you were one day" And meant it in a negative way because of his autism. 😢 We have a newborn now and no matter what, she will be loved amd supported. We are even more determined to make sure of that

[elizabethf]

AMEN!! And given there's a high genetic component, the extral layer of CPTSD of having fought our own battles learning how to mask, cope, and function (waddle and quack like the rest of the ducks) and TRY to parent someone else all the while struggling to parent ourselves and chase down and care for everyone's medical comorbidities at the same time !!!!
Everybody has their own battles..this just happens to be ours.

[Alwaysbeclosing]

Nobody understands until they can walk a day in our shoes. People don’t understand what it’s like. It is a challenge every single day.

[kathiarledge]

Absolutely. Remembering makes my cry Again. All my kids are grown and some of them have their own autistic kids. I cry for them also. BUT nowadays they get help instead of blame and obstruction.

[memyselfi]

I did this as a single mother serving in the military with no extended support system. It was worse before moving 2000 miles to get away from my abusive narcissistic mother and her flying monkies. It turnd out both my son & I are austistic with ADHD. I have C-PTSD from my narc mother and repaleated trauma through life. I had my soon in therapy for 8 years and they never figured out he had autism. I found out by listening to your videos and others.

[hoho]

The trauma comes from a lack of support, respite, living in a world that doesn't accommodate etc. It's carer stress and that's not the child's fault at all

people just don't understand that tbh

[Acerheart]

Maybe you’ve made this content already (I which case, please point me to it!) but I find myself struggling with the idea of even becoming a parent as a neurodivergent person. Accommodating for myself seems challenging enough. Taking care of a child with similar needs on top of that seems overwhelming

[MillillioN]

Well put. Hypervigilance is perhaps the biggest part of wearing you down. Your brain is supposed to work mostly with the subconscious multitasking things that are routine. Using high levels of focus is very draining and used for scanning for danger, problem solving and learning new things. Looking after a child that requires hypervigilance takes more energy than people would imagine because most people do not understand how it works over a long period of time.
When someone told me that they had a shoplifter in their shop I'd ask what time it happened. I'd always ask when they told me and it was clear that at least 80% was later in the afternoon when staff are drain and focus wanes. If I was a shoplifter I'd do it then too. They didn't know that was pattern until I pointed it out, even though I'd repeated my prediction. Shoplifters are successful if their movements look normal at a glance so that the high focused consciousness is not active, which is why people can blatantly walk out with a large TV and not pay.
My point is, the brain is mean to tune out and is healthy. An Autisric parent looking after an autistic child can be much harder.
Sorry, I always ramble. I recommend reading: Thinking, Fast and Slow for understanding the faults in how we think with many examples from a nobel prize behavioural researcher.

[sarabaas]

Hi! I can understand this. I have a 13 year old son diagnosed with Autism, Epilepsy, ADHD, SPD, OCD, and bowel movement issues. I love my son, his name is Orion also, but it's a challenge and I never show or tell him that he's a problem.

[gonnfishy]

This gives me strong flashbacks of my own childhood.

[wednesdayschildfullofwoe]

I already had cptsd and adhd before having a child who was also neurodivergent. This was over 20 years ago. I had no idea what I had what she had, my husband and I had no idea how to handle what we now know as meltdowns. Her meltdowns and strong emotions would cause me to retreat and shut down because of over stimulation. We didn't know any of this at the time. So our household was chaos! Nobody cares! There are few to no resources for neurodivergent parents dealing with neurodivergent kids or in my case now, adult kids.

[stephenie]

Battle sleep battle sleep battle sleep…. Yeah, that about describes the time period that gave me cPTSD. The self neglect is unavoidable. All you have time and energy for is battle sleep battle sleep battle sleep. It completely alienates you from your self, because what is the use of listening to your wants and needs when you don’t get to try meeting them anyway?

[courtney]

Thank you. I call it living on red alert. I functioned WAY better in constant red alert. It's when I said " hey, this isn't a healthy lifestyle for me, I need to work through this toxic stress and deal with all this pent up yuck" that I kinda fell to pieces. But we are, by God's grace, putting them back together in a much healthier way ❤

[jjaffa]

Hiya 😊 a quick note for anyone reading the comments: as far as I am aware no one here has indentified themselves as a CPTSD qualified expert on the cutting edge of research. Therefore, please take all "facts" you read here with a pinch of salt and go find out more from more reliable sources. Also please note no one knows for sure what is or isn't possible...they used to think only soldiers got PTSD and now we have learned that prolonged abuse/+trauma in childhood causes CPTSD. I am sure they are carrying out legitimate research as we speak about trauma in parents caring for children with complex needs and maybe it will show that people can developing CPTSD from parenting...I might even have read some but my AuDHD brain has no specifics right now and I can't be bothered looking it up...but you can. Cheers 🙃🙂

[Elianalivinglife]

The challenges is not the child, most often it is the neurotypic standards the children are forced into by schools, and then child protective services nocking on your door, because you must be the reason why your child can't live up to neurotypic standards, the schools will not accept unmasked children unless, severe complex neurodiversity. And the school will not accept most struggles with the child in school is because they feel unsafe, and that triggers RSD so they fight, flee or freeze.

[JenniferJohnson-ubgt]

You are wrong. I worked as an educational assistant. I was also a union rep. I saw the injury reports come across my desk.

[JaneAustenAteMyCat]

Orion, you're wrong on this one. I have Complex PTSD and have *also* been through everything you describe, but that is *not* what gave me the C-PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder comes from overt abuse in interpersonal situations, such as child abuse, domestic violence or torture, over a prolonged period of time. Yes, some of the things I experienced with my son were difficult, incredibly difficult! The care services were actively abusive, gaslighting me constantly until I gave up trying to get help, which had a very detrimental effect on our family, but my son himself was not abusive. He was not in a position of power. These are the things necessary to end up with Complex PTSD. So please stop saying that this is C-PTSD or explain further as to why you think that ASD or parenting a child with ASD has given you C-PTSD. Please. Because otherwise this is offensive to those of us who really do have C-PTSD.

[rxi]

But you're forgetting that every child that has been given to mankind has been given to them by God. You're also forgetting or maybe you don't know that he offers them his help. Also if you've been given a child you've been given the means to help them. It takes God's help though. God is love so any parenting that is needed is best with his help. We didn't have to do this alone and we still don't. Anytime is good for Him because He wants them to turn away from their own ways and to turn towards Him. Think on it because ive been at fault also of this worry/ing and getting worked up about things in time but because ive felt i had to do this or whatever all alone whenever i had something thats big and etc from Him but its not true and wed be waaay better off knowing God and always asking for His help! Just once has made me sorry i hadnt wanted to earlier. It was just wonderful to need Him!and Hes always there for us. I was helping others too! His help is not just neuro-linguistic-ness but its inner and directions on when how where, just ask and pray beside that for etc things. If weve asked for Him then God has us and if that is so then we could and even want to do it if we'd not been able to! Motivations of Heart matters to Him also, its the biggest thing in life! He is able and willing to help us. His hearts all about it and helping you and I also..Please pray.ask. and seek Him out from the bottom of your most painful etc to your small too Hes there and Hes only just waiting for us to ask Him. He'll not be pushing aside your hearts needs as such people have. Sleep well and if youve always talked with God but because of this autistic son or daughters tough situation/s youve let it slide, put it aside etc. Dont, He is looking for us and our needs to help us so dont put it aside. He want to help us to try. our fears or wants sometimes putting aside Gods talking in us/to us. anything/lthings dare us to put it aside thinking weve got to get through it/all alone. (We've felt weve had to do it alone maybe as kids. 😢 its good just turn over this other way or ways of doing things and thinking etc if you want it helped. Simply ❤Reach out and speak to Him. God will be there too if we turn to Him or try to do His will. He's just, He is goodness and love. God Bless you today and glad your here too! Autistic or not. Needs or wants. God bless you and us all. ❤🙏😁

[glittery]

I have seen multiple shorts of you talking about CPTSD in the context of being autistic or having an autistic child and I am honestly very disappointed in how you are throwing around a serious psychiatric condition as an umbrella term for hardships.

CPTSD is not just "a lot of small traumas". It's the consequences of repeated or polonged traumatic exposure like abuse, torture or bullying. The diagnosis originally stemmed from the issue that the diagnosis and treatment of PTSD revolves around dealing with singular, very memorable events (EMDR) which is much more difficult with prolonged exposures, and that prolonged exposure has a more profound impact on what the ICD calls 'disturbances of self-organisation'. The trauma in CPTSD is not qualitatively different from that in PTSD sufferers, it is the quantity or timeframe that changes.

In very rare cases, I can see parenting a child with severe developmental delays or challenges as potentially traumatic as it may cause disturbances with self-organisation (like a negative self-concept). In some cases, an autistic child may place themselves in danger (such as getting lost) which may be traumatizing for the parent. But most parents will not be traumatized, that is having a distinct traumatic experience associated with the parenting of an autistic child and going out of their way to avoid re-experiencing that trauma, by their child.

Hardship is not CPTSD. Please be more careful in throwing terms like this around on out-of-context shorts.