GN: How Cheez-Its are REALLY made (spoof documentary)

Cheez It is one of America's most favorite snack treats, but do you know how they're made? We go DEEP inside the factory to uncover all their secrets, and you won't believe what you see, unless you get how clickbait works, in which case, you might just find it funny.

Every red-blooded American loves Cheez-Its, but how are they made?

How Cheez-Its are REALLY Made!

The chedder fields of Mozambique are blasted and extracted leaving fallow the lands historically used to grow what some call "food".

Palm oil is quicky replanted to drive away any indiginous critters that could hurt the crop while also sucking every last nutrient from the soil forever.

Workers are given free burial in these locations to keep the circle of life and quarterly profits unbroken, though their families are strictly forbidden from visiting these compost tombs.

Mountains of pre-cheezits defy the local declraration of famine, as these machines suck up to them like a lobbyist.

Back in the lab, flavor scientists, or taste-a-cleez, work up new recipes using the finest ingredients locally sourced from the break room refrigerator. The Bolog-nana Cheezits were fed to the dairy cows to make double-cheese.

The Grainsmashery removes all vital nutrients from the wheat, as well as any protein or calcium from the cheese-adjascent

Whole grain is broken down to the finest dust, because whole grain is known to cause Regular Bowel Syndrome.

Workers who used to make 90-cents a day have been replaced by this $8million machine.

Here you can see Indentured Serf-Employees accepting sachels of discarded preezit dust in lieu of a salary. It's better than gold!

Silica is added to the mix since it doesn't add any calories, fills the stomach, and is also quite cheap on account of being sand.

Powdered rat hemoglobin, sugar, and three tabs of ester sersay are added along with rejected ceramic projects from a local middle school art class.

Retired cow extract and bleach paste are infused to generate the famous orange hue.

More caliente formulas get a little extra kick, in defiance of worksplace safety standards.

Bacteria blossoms at room temperature for 9-days while the wheat slurry forms it's thick rind. Once it reaches the texture of human flesh, it's identified as wheat-kin and goes into the wheat kiln which kills up to 99% of the living organisms.

This meaty coagulate is about to become your cheezit, and it never looked better

Batches are spot-tested for food poisoning in the lab, often with disastrous results. These crackers will not be sold, but instead used to pay the employees who live in the Brussel shanty communities which fill the high-security factory parking lot.

The grains go along belts of conveyence toward the ovens. Though along the way it might look like a steaming hot zombie shart

These ovens are brimstoney as all heck. Few workers last more than a few months, save for no-arms Pete, which nobody's saving. He's committed to staying here until he dies, which management thinks is around February.

People eat crackers 24/7/366 on leap year, so these workers live, work and do their whole lives right there at their stations, resigned to die at their posts, salting your Cheez Its with their own tears.

When vermin floor scrapings become too many to safely dispose of, they're mixed with crushed peanut shells and stamped right onto the crackers and labeled as Premium Blend.

There are many ways to sample and enjoy CheezIts and there's really no wrong way. Now that you've seen the amazing farm to factory to store to cupboard to table process, there's only one real way to properly savor the flavor.

And that my friends is how Cheez Its are made.

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[pickleman]

This video haunts me. Why is it so well-written with small dark snippets that keep it JUST DISTURBING ENOUGH to continue listening. Why does this man sound like a Youth Pastor from Kentucky? Why does this track fucking slap?

[ccooper]

This is funny. Can u do top ramen, season salt or juice? It would b awesome to know what is spoof and what is real because with your humor this could b such a great educational tool for those that dont believe how gross some factories are.

[ShadowIFCVA]

“Silicon is quite cheap, on account a bein’ sand.”