Kong Has To Slam This Way (It Has To Be This Way X Space Jam/DK Rap)

LYRICS:

SLAMming here,
I realize,
DK has no grace,
He has a funny face!

But who's to judge
The Donkey Kong?
When he fires in spurts,
I think we'll both agree

That walnuts breeds peanuts,
But in the end it has to JAM this way!

(Interlude filler)

Can pick up a boulder
With relative ease
Makes crushin' you such-a-breeze...

So listen up dudes,
th-this Kong's in the mood!
And this time he's after you! (Yeahhhh)

Yet SLAMing across this barren wasted land,
I feel new JAM will be born,
Beneath the blood stained SLAM (slam slam slam)...
Beneath the blood stained SLAM (slam slam slam)...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

" 'I have a dream.' That one day every Kong on this island will control their own destiny. A land of the truly funky, dammit. A nation of walnuts, not peanuts! Ruled by coconut guns, not crazy kongs! Where the law of the jungle changes to suit the Kong, not the other way around. Where the banana hoard is back where it belongs: in the hands of the Kongs! Where every monkey is free to think - to act - for himself! To hell with all these limp-donged Lankys and chickenSLAM Bluster Kongs. HUH this 24-hour internet spew of One-Winged Angel and DK Rap mashups! HUH DK Island pride! HUH the media! HUH ALL OF IT! DK Island is diseased. Rotten to the core. There's no saving it - we need to pull it out by the roots. Wipe the slate clean. PUNCH THE MOON ONTO IT! And from the ashes, a new DK Island will be born. Evolved, but untamed! The Tiny Kongs will be purged and the strongest will fly real high - free to fire in spurts as they see fit, they'll make the DK Island great again! On my new Island, Kongs will die and kill for what they BELIEVE! Not for banana coins, not for 1-up balloons! Not for what they're told is funky. Every Kong will be free to fight his own wars!"

[BlueMageWithSoulEdge]

After the defeat of the usurper, Sir Charles of the Last Slam returns to be being a Player of fortune. Thinking the court is safe for now, he leaves to set his aim on the Dunk Order 13, but this was a folly. Leaving the Original King for the bench, Sir Charles never realize the true danger. On the bed Donkey Kong laid, battling his mortality-- and coming to terms with the Darkness that has buried him due to the workings of Dunk Order 13. On the bench of death, Donkey Kong sees what he has forgotten-- the power of the Nintendo [his birthright as a Kong-- his Destiny]. With the renewed Power of the Licenses, Donkey recovers what was lost by the crossover.

Just months after Sir Charles leaves the court, he is called back by the Mushroom Kingdom. Peach's worst fear has come alive-- Donkey Kong has returned to his original ways [thinking the crossover would slowly drain his power and render him dorsal-- it nearly worked if it wasn't for Doom-Kong stopping the Meme' union [the only true way to erase the Kong identity]), and the Tropical Politics has frozen to harsh cold logic. Donkey rises his people to independents with congas of Freedom.

Sir Charles mission is to stop the Donkey Kong-- the first and true member of the DK Crew, upon his shoulders are the dreams of a nation; the hopes of a people. No Longer will they oppressed by the Banana Birds; no longer will they be kept in captivity-- excluded from 3rd party deals. HE IS DONKEY KONG-- THE NAME OF HOUSES, THE BARREL OF RICHES; HE MADE THE INDUSTRY. All that is Game, all that is SLAM has taken from Kong Country and now it is time to take it back. It is time to MAKE KONG COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN!.

Sir Charles stands there and realize "is his lighting spin tech and tempest drives to the hoop enough to stop the forgotten power of The Star Jam?"

No man knows whether Kong is right or wrong, but we all know that there is no middle; no compromise.

It has to Jam this way.

[uncroppedsoop]

I love how audibly you can hear Space Jam and the DK Rap fighting for the spotlight. It just adds to the effect of the original song

[jackeroni]

We’re making the mother of all Coconut Guns here, Diddy! Can’t fret over every Walnut!

[beastlylordhorse]

“Potassium, Son. The Dong hardens in response to slamming trauma!”
-Senator Armsdong

[Beriorn]

"How the hell did you become a meme?"
"Well, I don't write my own raps."

[Leet-izfz]

That "SO HE'S FINALLY HERE" is the most powerful song opening I think I've ever heard.

[CHertz]

WALNUTS BREED PEANUTS


This forbidden knowledge I shall spread, like JAM on toast.

[LeoxandarMagnus]

I think this gives One-winged Space Kong a run for its money.

[angrygarbanzo]

“Violence breeds violence” describes the plot of “Donkey Kong” and “Donkey Kong Jr.”, oddly enough.

[mathewvalerio]

"Why won't you die!?"
"Bananas, son. Potassium helps your body in various ways."

[hckblock]

KONGSTRONG!!!!
I used to think my dong was a tool for slamming.
Not used for style. Not used for grace. But now, now I'm not so sure. And besides...
This isn't *MY* dong.

[feIIas]

Armsdong: Well if it isn't saucy Shaq? Just a little too late, as usual.

Shaqden: Armsdong? Impressive little ball you've got there. But your game plan ends here.

Armsdong: (laughs) Idiot. You're not ending our dong, you're expanding it. Checked the score lately?

Jorden: Pfft.

Kranky (via codec): Jorden! Air Force One is turning back to the States!

Jorden: What? How'd they know?!

Kranky (via codec): Someone posted photos of what's happening on the base. The whole world is up in arms!
Jorden: Show me!

Jorden: How did they...? The story leaked early...? Then King K. Rool's game plan is ruined.

Kranky (via codec): The hell it is! Look what they're saying! The story just went live and already they are calling for expulsion!

Jorden: But the league president was saved…?

Armsdong: And yet Kong blood was spilled.

Jorden: By Kongs! Besides, a few dozen players is tragic, but nothing to start a major game over.

Armsdong: That's just the spark, son. The excuse we've been waiting for. Donkey Kong Kountry's wanted this game for years. The NBA -- they knew pickup games were good for the economy. Four years later their legacy lingers on...
Shaqden: The memes...

Armsdong: They left us their great raps! Space jam! Soulja boy! The DK rap! Welcome songs for those with no dongs -- without creativity of their own. Give yourself up to the meme. No need to better yourself -- you're a Kong! You're number one! Then the only value left is banana value -- the economy. So we'll do whatever it takes to keep it drumming along. Even pickup games. Especially pickup games.

Jorden: Bullshit.

Armsdong: The NBA planted the seed -- we don't need them around to filter and foster their memes any longer. We're spreading them just fine ourselves. Every Kong man, woman and child... We're all major league players now! We just need something to jump start the economy out of this funk. This recession it's been stuck in since the fall of NBA.
Jorden: And the marketing costs? Wasting billions is going to help the league?

Armsdong: Free agents, merchandise manufacturers... Job creators, Shaq! All those workers spending bananas, buying merch... Trust me, a little pickup game can work wonders.

Jorden: So grease the gears with some innocent gatorade, is that it?

Armsdong: Relax, Shaq. It's a "war on imposters." We're not out to foul basketball players. Soccer players. Youtube commenters. People badgering for songs to be slammed.
[Jorden’s astonished a little.]

Armsdong: Of course that would have to include you. Wouldn't want any courtside reports complicating the message.

[He throws a cigar away and climbs into the metal kong cabin. Jorden prepares for a game.]

[Jorden chops off Metal Kong's legs, grabs a multi-ton monster by the knife and throws it over his head. Then he rips off one of the knives and cuts off the Metal Gear with it.]

Armsdong: About time we ended this... and you're going out with a bang!
[Armsdong comes out of a smoke-covered cabin.]

Armsdong: Slippery little bastard. I don't have time for this.

[He lines up at the free-throw line and starts screaming intensely.]

Jorden: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!

[Wires burst out of Metal Kong Dongcelsus' legs, charging Armsdong with gatorade. He finishes with a final yell, a shockwave erupting while Dongcelsus crashes downwards. Jorden stumbles for a moment, and once the dust settles, Armsdong is shown with bulging musculature under his jersey not visible previously.]
Armsdong: (adjusting his tie) Let's go!

Jorden: The hell are you thinking?

[Armsdong sprints out and checks Jorden, then grabs his head and starts squeezing.]

Armsdong: Played college ball, ya know.

Jorden: At some cushy Ivy League school!

[Armsdong headbutts him, rips off Jorden's jersey and punches him in the face. Jorden gets back up, narrowly avoiding a punch from Armsdong. Jorden attempts to check him, but he blocks the moves with his forearms. Armsdong grabs Shaqden, who dodges his strikes for a moment before being grabbed by the neck.]
Armsdong: Try University of Kong. Coulda gone pro if I hadn't joined the DK Navy. I'm not one of those beltway creampies. I could break King K. Rool in two… with my bare hands!

[He throws Jorden straight up in the air, who screams before being caught and free-thrown into the side of Dongcelsus' cabin.]

Armsdong: Don't HUH with this point guard!

Jorden: What the hell are you...?

Armsdong: Why don't you stick around and find out?

[The first round begins with the strongest b-baller in the world.]

[fight continues for a short time.]

[Armsdong catches Shaqden's ball with his bare hand.]
Jorden: What?

Armsdong: Nice ball…

[He pops it and goes for a punch to the jaw, which Jorden evades. The cyborg laughs in amusement at how he finally managed to avoid a hit to his chin without it causing enough friction to heat it up, before being promptly punched by Armsdong and sliding to the other side of Dongcelsus' platform on his chin. Jorden stands up, his metal jaw burning red-hot from the friction. After spending a few seconds recovering, he rushes towards Armsdong, throwing his popped ball at him. The Balllorado player easily deflects it to the side, throwing a few missed strikes, before Jorden catches one punch before it could hit him.]

Jorden: Typical ape... big dong, but no balls.

Armsdong: What?

Jorden: “Jump-start the economy"? What a load of bullshit! All you care about is lining your own pockets. That, and your team ranking. You've got no principles, just like all the rest. If Donkey Kong Kountry's gone to shit, you're just another maggot crawling in the pile.

Armsdong: All right, the truth then. You're right about one thing... I do need capital. And merch. Wanna know why?.. I have a dream.

Jorden: What...?
Armsdong: That one day every kong in this country will control their OWN destiny! A country of the truly free, slammit! [Armsdong resumes fighting Shaqden.] A country of slamma, not banana, ruled by guns, not coconuts! [Armsdong grapples Jorden, rendering the cyborg mostly helpless.] Where the law changes to suit the individual, not the other way around. Where coconuts and creampies are back where they belong: in the hands of the kongs! [Armsdong and Jorden headbutt each other, but neither is harmed.] Where every ape is free to slam - to jam - for himself! [Armsdong beats Jorden to punctuate every statement.] Fuck all these limp-dick redditors and chicken-shit discord users. Fuck this 24/7 Internet spew of trivia and celebrity bullshit. Fuck "DK pride." Fuck the media! Fuck all of it! Donkey Kong Kountry is diseased. Rotten to the core. There's no saving it -- we need to pull it off the vine. Wipe the slate clean. BURN IT DOWN! And from the ashes a new Donkey Kong Kountry will be born. Returned, but not tropically frozen! The minor leagues will be purged and the dongest will jam -- free to play ball as they see fit, they'll make Donkey Kong Kountry great again!

Jorden: What the hell are you talking about…?

Armsdong: You still don't get it. I'm using basketball as a business to get elected... so I can end basketball as a business! In my new Donkey Kong Kountry, people will slam and jam all for what they BELIEVE! Not for contracts. Not for bananas! Not for what they're told is right. Every ape will be free to play on his own team!

[Armsdong repeatedly stomps Jorden, pausing his barrage to light a cigar.]

Armsdong: So... what do you think?

Jorden: How the hell did you get first-draft pick...

Armsdong: Well, I don't write my own game-plans. [Armsdong removes his foot from Shaqden's chest, looking out to the desert.] You should try playing for what you believe in sometime, Shaq. Not for a company, or a team, or for anyone else.

[MagnusShoku]

That "DK! DK! DK! DK!" is the hypest shit ever.

[bcrossfire]

Mixing two songs together and making it sound good is no small feat. But to mix _three_ songs together, using one as the battlefield for the other two...that's a whole other level of art right there.

[monke]

I’ll MAKE DONKEY KONG COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN! — Senator Dongstrong

[taetaeclark]

Never thought a human mind could concoct such an immaculate melting pot of sounds…

[JoseF]

Slamden: Why won't you JAM?
Dongstrong: Coconut Guns, son. They harden in response of physical slams!

[_piranha]

I absolutely love how it's mostly sped up space jam vs slow/normal paced DK rap, representing Raiden's light-speed punches vs Armstrong's "immovable object" nanomachine-powered body.
Never thought i'd actually see any form of imagery in a meme mashup, but here we are, what a banger

[null]

This song is so powerful it got recommended to me TWICE

[dohvaakhindemo]

Bananas son… they harden up in response to trauma. you can’t hurt me diddy!