The 3 most difficult types of coworkers and how to deal with them | Amy Gallo for Big Think+

Harvard Business Review editor Amy Gallo shares the three worst types of coworkers and how to deal with them.

Positive work relationships, as Amy emphasizes, are not only nice to have but also crucial for performance, creativity and well-being. By prioritizing empathy and upfront communication, Gallo’s principles for managing tough conversations and engaging with difficult colleagues can help everyone create more generative, amiable professional communities.

Looking to bring Amy's insights to leaders across your company? Great. This video is part of a 9-part expert class on mastering relationships at work — and it’s available to organizations that subscribe to Big Think+. Learn more about how Amy and 500+ other experts can help fuel your company’s leadership program today. ►

We all have coworkers that are harder to get along with than others. While there’s no way to prevent having crappy cubicle mates, there are strategies you can use to deal with them more effectively and make everyone’s life easier.

Harvard Business Review editor Amy Gallo breaks down the eight archetypes of annoying coworkers and shares her strategies for dealing with the three toughest types.

0:00 Intro
0:35 Meet Amy Gallo
1:18 The 8 archetypes for difficult colleagues
2:04 The Passive Aggressive Peer
3:08 The Insecure Boss
3:53 The Tormentor

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About Amy Gallo:

Amy Gallo is an expert in conflict, communication, and workplace dynamics. She combines the latest management research with practical advice to deliver evidence-based ideas on how to improve relationships and excel at work.

She is the author of two books: Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People) and the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict. She has written hundreds of articles for Harvard Business Review, where she is a contributing editor. Her writing has been collected in numerous books including ones on feedback, emotional intelligence, and managing others.

For the past four years, Gallo has co-hosted HBR’s popular Women at Work podcast, which examines the struggles and successes of women in the workplace.

Gallo is on the 2023 Thinkers50 Radar List and was named a 2022 LinkedIn Top Voice in Gender Equity. In addition, the Harvard Business Review Guide video series, which Gallo stars in, was honored by the Webby Awards in 2023.

Gallo has delivered keynotes and workshops at hundreds of companies and conferences. Plus, she is frequently sought out by media outlets for her perspective on workplace dynamics, conflict, and difficult conversations. Her advice has been featured in The New York Times, Fast Company, Marketplace, and The Austin American-Statesman, as well as on WNYC, the BBC, and ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation).

She has taught at Brown University and the University of Pennsylvania and is a graduate of both Brown and Yale University.

[armartin]

Narcissistic tormentor's shouldn't be appeased. It's a good way to escape their torment, but it only enables them to torment others. And when you support them, and they go on to bigger positions because you caused them to succeed in spite of it all - that's NOT a good thing. That's how multi-million dollar projects and corporations fall.

[AnnemieM]

I had a 'know it all' working besides me. What I do with the people that I disagree with, I thank them for their help, then I do what I learned is the right way when they are not around.

[leama]

honestly people can figure out so much (but at the same time… only so much) about people through psychoanalyzing everyone. The premise of this video is that this is an issue because dealing with a “difficult” coworker can heighten your stress levels and effect you outside of work… but that’s something I can learn to control (or let go of) by focusing on MYSELF rather than attempting to help others and make them more bearable for me to be around. That just takes up so much energy for each individual person, I’d rather just learn to regulate my own emotions. Learn to not take things personally or even not to be so invested in other peoples psychology, because at the end of the day is doesn’t seem worth investing so much energy into when work is already tiring enough. but hey, maybe I’m missing something.

[adstix]

Co-workers skilfully throwing one another under the bus in order to get ahead!
Typical scenario in the modern corporate world!

[kavorka]

Based on my experience in large companies with hundreds of employees, people form tribes, us and them, sub-teams within a team, and then there's boss's favouritism, bullying, mobbing, etc. there's no such thing as an individual tormentor, there's always a tribe. My guess is, such identifications apply only in tiny companies with only a handful of employees.

[pearlfeather]

Offices are toxic.
I left that scenario long ago.
If youre an intelligent attractive woman it's bad.
Im not a politician and i just couldnt play the manipulation games.

[eiymlqh]

"Let people exist no matter how bad you don't want them to."

[sharonirwin]

This is all terrible advice. In particular, tormentors cannot be appeased into decency. Her advice to kiss the ass of a bully will eventually rot your soul, and the tormentor will just find new ways to torment you. Regard them as an obstacle you must overcome to move onto the next level of your life and do whatever it takes to defeat them, whether that be whistle blowing, standing your ground, finding a new and better place of employment, or whatever morally correct actions put them into an absolutely irrelevant position in your life.

[cobrastrichzero]

So i think the whole point of this is that a lot of times when we encounter this behavior, it's because the person isn't aware of/thinking about their behavior. And of course that means that any one of us will probably definitely actually be one of these things to our coworkers at some point. By trying to work with the person instead of against them, you can often not only have a productive relationship, but help to understand and correct the behavior, as well as to find and address things you yourself might be doing wrong.

For all the folks saying how this lady doesnt understand narcissism and toxic behavior and whatever - obviously those things exist. But I'd invite you to introspect a little bit: you might be leaning into the victim archetype without knowing it. You know how I know? You're not saying "hey, there's another side of this", you're saying "there is never a reason why anyone is ever difficult except that they're bad".

But that's not how humans work. The fact is, difficult behavior is often not about you. Even if it is, the strategies in the video can work to fix the underlying issue.

But still, we need people to call out truly bad behavior that is not amenable to change, so don't take this as me trying to repudiate the whole enterprise. It's just we're all in this together, yknow? Most people who are difficult are trying to do their job however they can, and through some combination of circumstance and history are not perfectly aligned with you.

And trying to get someone to lose their job simply because you don't like them is sociopathic behavior, full stop, no matter how much you dress it up in co-opted language of bullying and toxic behavior.

[robertnewell]

The 20-80 Principles runs rampant across all business & in life generally.

[rahulmohanan]

When 80 percent of workers are complaining of a terrible coworker, chances are that other people are thinking the same thing about the person making the claim, Sometimes we are the asshole but it is hard to know.

[capefear]

How to deal with Debbie in HR: be self-employed

[dandelionsdandelions]

Came across all these types in my career... the tormentor probably being the worst person ever. Reiterating what another commenter posted. The tormenter will just find more ways to torment you. My only option was to find work elsewhere. They were never going to change, nor were they going to be fired or reprimanded. Glad I left them to their own wonderful devices.

Unfortunately, there are other types where I am now, but have come to the realisation that there's no point fighting back or reporting their issues. Just a recipe for trouble and end up looking like the bad guy, especially if they make up their own twisted excuses for their behaviour.

[jeffwalther]

I have been retired for ten years. Now most nights I think about how much of an a**hole I have been throughout my entire career.

[Shiloie]

Has she ever worked in an office? If she had not, she is totally unqualified.

[MD-buxc]

Going to a job should require no more than a basic and normal level of civility and cordiality. To assume ever that a workplace require of someone they learn about or improve themselves in order to just be in a tolerable position is nonsense. In the last 40 years the field of HR, of using psy ops in the workplace has become the main detriment to happiness of a majority of people in this country.
Here’s where being older is important to society. Before Jerry Springer, before Reality TV people just didn’t act the way they do now. Once narcissism was a character defect. Now it’s the standard operating mode of many people. I don’t think this experiment over time is going to work. I personally have experienced savagery from a few male co workers and Debby in HR was no help at all.

[diabolicalsnail]

Yes everyone should self reflect and truly learn to be stoic at work ...however... also perpetuating bad leadership skills through any of these archetypes kill some businesses core humans. The better solution to this is to learn strategy, boundaries, precise communication and deepen your connection to your skillset. Reflection can be a horrible hall of mirrors without a proper strategy to get out of it.

[my.names.robb.with.two.bs]

The world needs more people like you. I'm impressed at the positive bright eyed attitude here. Unfortunately, I don't share it. Whenever difficult people cause me trouble I lean into their worst qualities and make them express them even more to the point where they become the architects of their own destruction.

I view those people like criminals. If someone assaults you you don't think about why they could be behaving that way and what you could have done to contribute it. You call the cops and have them arrested and taken off the streets because they are dangerous. The what's and why's are irrelevant. The fact is they are adult human beings that know right and wrong and used their free will to do harm to others. And if they are not stopped they will do it to yet more others. That's the only relevant fact.

In the case of the difficult people they aren't exactly criminals yet do things that hurt others. This is a case where they have to arrest themselves by becoming so disfunctional that they become a danger to themselves. Help them get to that place because that's the only time they will see the light and their error and be motivated to change.

[debanjanborthakur]

If someones behaviour is toxic, its his or her responsibility to correct it not the targets.

[helens]

Yep. Used to be the insecure boss. I knew, and hated that I was.
Just didn’t know & have the time to improve back then when I was at a startup.

I don’t think the goal of this video is to excuse bad office culture, but to navigate around it while you look for different team/company/roles.