Top 10 Ways to Hate on Pedestrians!

Mikael takes a satirical look at the top 10 ways we can control those pesky rogues of the urban landscape - the pedestrians.

And yes, all of these ways are, sadly, in place somewhere in the world.

0:00 Intro to hating on pedestrians
0:47 Fake Your Concern by making a cheap campaign
1:55 School crossing guards
3:01 Instil fear in pedestrians with signs and stickers
3:59 Running man walk signals
4:36 Make pedestrians wear goofy reflective clothes
5:36 Mandatory helmets for pedestrians
5:50 Ridicule pedestrians by sending clowns into traffic
6:52 Pedestrian flags at crosswalks
7:39 Ban texting and walking and distracted walking
8:47 Video games at crosswalks for pedestrians and dancing red men
10:05 Enforce jaywalking and erect pedestrian barriers
11:52 Beg buttons for pedestrians

[Schnorchmorch]

You forgot one: Tell those pedestrians that it's actually the cyclists who are at fault. But don't mention the 6 lane highway next to the shared foot-and cyclepath!

[Merrinen]

More!

1. Ultranarrow sidewalks. Shouldn't be wider than your own shoulders. Only reason for wider sidewalks is if you need proper emergency parking space for cars.
2. Make them go up and down! For cars make sure your road is straight and flat, the pedestrians have to go over and under, and also up and down the hills alongside the motorways.
3. Keep them switching the side of the road. This is very easy to do and is also budget friendly, because you can simply randomly decide to not build sidewalks for a few hundred meters at a time.
4. Who needs sidewalk maintenance anyway? If there is a hole, there is a hole, nothing can be done. Pedestrian health issues can always be managed by the healthcare system.
5. Build parking lots right next to roads for easy access to cars. Make sure to add a fence so pedestrians can't take the shortest route and have to go around it.
6. Lightpoles must be placed on the sidewalk area so pedestrians can exercise human agility. The closer to the middle of the sidewalk the better! This is a powerful mix with the #1.
7. When making shopping centres make sure pedestrians have to cross the road as many times as possible, and keep the access in the middle of the businesses so that they have to walk the largest U possible to get to the place they want to visit, whichever one it is.
8. Better yet, make car-only entrances to shops and make sure there is no car-free position for a pedestrian to walk to the entrance.
9. When building a neighborhood make sure everybody have to take the same route as the cars do. Make sure pedestrians have to think about their movement like the cars so that they can give proper guidance to drivers who are lost. No need for convenient shortcuts for pedestrians. It is a waste of space and lost drivers' time.
10. Strip all the trees and growing things alongside pedestrian routes. All they must see is the progress of asphalt and concrete. There is no reason to waste time looking at beautiful stuff when walking. This makes sure pedestrians walk fast because they have no reason to stay where they are.

[shift-happens]

That's beautiful. I would only add one thing: honking. So that these pedestrians can be honked out of the way....

[EnraEnerato]

It's depressing how acurate this is, I live in Germany, as many know, a car is a valued member of the family here, even more so then your own children, more then your spouse and even the family dog/pet, yes more valued then the, isn't that quite telling? Our traffic minister (Dr. Andreas [Be]Scheuer[t], "Bescheuert" adj. stupid, dumb, also see German traffic minister) is basically the exaustpipe of the automobile industries and has basically ruined everything he ever touched, here's a basic list of his failings(successes as the car makers would say?):
-Dieselgate, one could fill a 2hrs video with the things they pulled in Germany and their pushiment was a slap to the wrist, as in they got to sell newer cars that also don't comply with the new laws? ... I mean seriously is that what happened in Germany?
-A toll with signed contracts, secret meetings, lies omision of facts, a sudden loss of data and folders, suddenly dozens of folders get declared a secret etc.
-A digitalrevolution and U-turn away from the brocken system of copper wires and hamster driven routers to a new system of fiberoptic cables etc., yeah the even people in cities laugh about their internet ping while shedding tears of embarresment.
-The new traffic law with harder punishments for speeding etc., at first he wanted to return to the previous ones since drivers of cars and teh automobile industries and traffic clubs etc. had a sudden burst of outrage, this triggered a counter movement, he stopped this approach. Shortly after this however a formality in writing made all of the changes null and void, coincidence? I believe not!

It should be noted that there are forces dead set on undermining the car industries &Co., they slowly infiltrade city councils and ministries and try to induce a change in policies in order to reduce the use of personal cars, so far it went under the radar or was ridicouled as the "powerless minority" until suddenly the city planers in serval cities came up with plans that makes parking and driving in the middle of cities a lot harder.

[Qwerty]

In post-Soviet cities we have so many great things: pedestrian tunnels and bridges everywhere, also legal parking on sidewalks and lots of gated communities you cannot walk through

[bartoszbogucki]

You forgot about over- and underpasses, the ultimate way to insult pedestrians.
And also sidewalk parking

[asalvio]

In São Paulo - Brasil, at the end of car advertisement on tv and radio they say this message: "Pedestrian, use your crosswalk."

[ThisTheAviator]

I know this is supposed to be funny but the flags and those idiotic laws against phones and drunk people really depressed me.

[wimahlers]

You forgot the best part.

If you drive over a pedestrian you can blame him/her for not wearing hi-viz clothing while chatting to a friend and listenening to some music while crossing the road at a convenient but forbidden jaywalking place.

[WanderABit]

"U" crossing for pedestrians, meaning if you out of luck, and have to go the missing crossing you instead have to go through 3 of them. And with lights it is even more "fun".

[paulmentzer]

When I went to Grade School we had to cross a busy four lane highway our crossing guard was a full power female police officer (She never carried a gun, but did write tickets, if a car went to fast or when she had kids in the crosswalk, I saw her write down the licesne number in her ticket book). I lived in an old Western Pennslyvanian coal patch. The Mines were long closed so more a suburb then a coal patch but still walkable away from the four lane highway. There was a true post WWII suburb ontop of the hill above the old coal patch. This caused a split in the local government, the suburbs hated her for she gave out tickets daily, but the residents of the old coal patch would show up and protest every time they tried to get rid of her. She was very popular in the coal patch, she lived about a quarter mile from that crosswalk so she would walk to her crosswalk every day along the old road we all walked on to avoid the new Four lane highway we had to cross to get to our school.
Make crossing guards police officers or have the power to give out tickets, thus truely punish people who do not permit people to cross the streets.

[reinerjung]

Hey, how did you got your hands on the German traffic minister's strategy paper?

[lukefreeman]

I'm so glad you mentioned Brave New World in the way you did. I've been telling people for years that their 1984 notions are very outmoded and they should try reading his (Orwell's) student's superior (in terms of the direction of the world) book.

[stefanthorndahl]

love it! you should make some t-shirts with those slogans. "Run me over in case I jaywalk"

[RedSntDK]

As a Dane growing up and learning English, I clearly recall the first time I heard the phrase "Jaywalking" in the 1993 movie "Robin Hood: Men in Tights". It was so foreign to me that I couldn't wrap my little brain around it. Also, can attest, I too turned out fine despite being a crossing guard.

[bmayaa]

This is great! You should do standup for planning departaments ;)

[joshwhitfield]

LMAO! You should do one of these for cyclists! Where I live (Edmonton) cyclists don't have right of way over cars, unless they dismount to cross the street. It's embarrassing. Also in Edmonton we have signs prohibiting pedestrian crossings at one side of an intersection because it is a turning lane/blind corner for cars, despite it often being more convenient for pedestrians. God forbid that the drivers have to slow down and keep there eyes open going around a corner!!

[totobobomask]

A good reminder. This is a war against a car-centric mindset, an important one to fight for.

[jonathanirons]

You bastard Mikael. This is bloody awesome. Nailed it.

[standardarm]

It does never end.
Eating only Little Debbie's and drinking Minute Made makes pedestrians disabled, but there's always a new one to take their spot.