Heal From Fear of Persecution for Scapegoat Survivors of Narcissistic Parents

In today's video I will explain why the scapegoat survivor's fear of persecution is well-founded. I hope to create a compassionate lens to view this adaptation to a narcissistic parent. Next, I discuss a common dilemma faced by scapegoat survivors. Being known has meant persecution and being known now is the path to healing. I will describe how therapy can offer a way to resolve this dilemma.

A link to a Published Book on Narcissistic Abuse:
Growing Up as the Scapegoat to a Narcissistic Parent: A Guide to Healing

[Alsatiagent]

When I was a child in the 1970s, while in the house, I did nothing but read. When I was twelve I was placed in a remedial learning class. No one said a word. My parents knew that I was reading Joseph Heller, Kurt Vonnegut, John Fowles and memoirs of world sailors. I guess I wanted to be somewhere else. In middle school I wrote a story about two friends who went camping and were attacked by a bear. My homeroom teacher loved my short story and marked it with positive, encouraging comments. I took it home to show my mother. I never saw it again.

[kameshiam]

I went to therapy to seek anger management classes, only to discover that I was angry with the narcissists in my life.

I was told that anyone would be angry in my position

[kobra]

Yes I was seen only when I did something "wrong". I remember being on holidays when I was around 15. I hoped to enjoy it since we didn't travel often.
I did something not the way mum wanted, she yelled, I started crying and she said: "I don't have to wait long for your next mistakes" - and it was so hurtful cause it confirmed she purposefully waits for "mistakes" to yell and infantalize me.
I always avoided doing manual things, cooking, cleaning, renovations, cause she waited on my "mistakes". I indulged in virtual world cause she didn't have digital skills so it was only safe place.

I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, I didn't even go out of the house except of school due to my social anxiety and yet I was the worst, most misbehaved, spoiled, rude child.

[Talentedtadpole]

It's an interesting fact that narcissists have an attraction to neurodivergent people -
bullying, denigration and exploitation of neurodivergent people is still considered socially acceptable.
This has to change.

[amberfuchs]

Its hard to undo the conditioning when it keeps getting reinforced. I don't think most people are safe. I think most people are unsafe due to ignorance, denial, etc. "Connecting to safe others" is a nice goal, but there don't seem to be very many around. Emotional literacy seems very low in the general population. Abuse, neglect, and dehumanization seem widely normallzed across the globe. It seems safer to protect myself from others than allow others in.

[verbane]

I desperately wanted to be "known" after escaping the parents. I wanted someone to see me, create space for me in their life, and give me love & companionship. I've never had a partner or even a really good friend, and I was starving. But between enablers who encouraged me to "forgive" (put up with, make excuses for) incorrigible abusers and embarrassing slip-ups with oversharing and trauma-dumping, I went back into survival mode & over-protection of the hidden self. I refuse to give into generational trauma, but trusting other humans again after this kind of abuse is very, very hard. It often feels safer to just embrace misanthropy and assume they're all predators.

[sarahlongstaff]

Unfortunately, my last job experience was a terrible fit, and turned into a hostile work environment, as my coworkers used what they learned about me to retaliate. So sometimes, it's not completely safe to be known outside one's family either.

[qrisstrongmountain]

My "self" is buried so deep, I don't feel like I can relate to anyone. My public face is one of kindness, helpfulness, and tolerance towards abusive & demanding people. This is what was expected of me by both narcissistic parents. Asking for help just earned me more ridicule & abuse, giving them more ammunition. My private face got buried in books and movies, as it was the only place I felt safe. I wasn't allowed to have hopes, dreams, or goals. They would rip it away, unless it met THEIR demands.
I've learned that people only like me for what I can DO for them.
Since I feel I haven't got anything left, due to poor health, I've isolated myself. My life is about waiting for the other shoe to drop. Eventually the people who act like they care about me will bite my hand as I feed them...

[llm]

In our family, the siblings have always been against the scapegoat and to their dying day they still need the scapegoat. After you’ve moved far away, and Even when you continue to give, they are still on the attack and they still need to judge you as lesser. They can put on a false front, but in the end they need the “ other” to look down on. These roles are ingrained.

[therealdeal]

Jay, when I watch your videos I feel seen and understood. You nail it every time. So much of my life was spent presenting the safe me to my family. After my mom died I went no contact with the four surviving siblings who ganged up against me and it's the best thing that I ever did for myself.

[deathuponusalll]

My goodness Mr. Reid your insightfulness never ceases to amaze me and once again you’ve manage to put I to words things that I would struggle to explain to others what goes on in my world

[jewelsboogie]

The continued flock of narcissists that try to be apart of my life, is my life challenge and personal battle. Being raised by parents both full blown narcissists along with a brother also cruel and a narcissist, all daunting, to say the least. I checked out for most of my life with my friend, Denial. By the time I hit HS I resorted to purposefully hiding my family’s dysfunction and abuse, that was ongoing. Now fully in survival mode. Moved away as soon as able after college in defiance and was punished…… for my independence. And got tired of pretending to come from a good supportive family. So now I try to look forward not in my rearview mirror as much as possible and just accept I can never be what certain people want me to be. I am ok as I am. Adoption is a mess in my case as I felt I had to put up with all the abuse and be grateful as after all …I’m just an orphan and lucky a well to do family took me in at 6 months old. This notion angers me to my core now. No child should have to feel and be abused as I, adopted or not.

[rosettesionne]

I was litterally called mentally deranged and abnormal each time, I tried to expresse my feelings and dissatisfaction about someone or something so I had VALID reason to hide my feelings

[KG-eczz]

Like many of you, I thought I'd found that 'safe' relationship with my narcissistic husband of 23 years. Finally, the light is on.

[HomeFromFarAway]

I would so deeply appreciate if you did an episode on the vicious cycle that happens when a former golden child gets scapegoated or when the family pattern is to inconsistently shift the scapegoat role around to the weakest member

[moonpleiades]

Another spot on video. I hate letting people know much about myself.

[winterqueenkel]

You are the most brilliant narcissist therapist on Earth. I appreciate it so much.

[zzzz]

This is exactly my experience! I was lucky to have a therapist who helped me realize I didn't have anything wrong with me, I only needed to work on my self-esteem.

[mtc-ji]

This is the one. I need to watch it several more times. I pray I find a therapist like this one day.

[lorrainenicoletti]

Always feared even now that I will be judged as mentally ill. That is because I was told I am all the time growing up.