MBTI and Emotional Intelligence (EQ)

Every MBTI type needs to work on Emotional Intelligence (EQ).

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[PaleGhost]

Star Trek has taught me a lot about empathy and how healthy adults handle conflict. Patrick Stewart was my surrogate space dad who showed me how to be empathetic, kind and compassionate on screen as well as off. That being a man was more than society defined, to be a guiding force as well as a safe place to rest. You are the rock that splits the river creating a slow spot for life to flourish, the rock that someone can grab onto to avoid being swept away, the rock that a better future can be built from.

[roughrosa]

I struggle to introduce topics that to me aren’t looking like they are personal, but for some feelers they can’t detach logic from emotion and personal biases, so everything is ‘personal’ because that’s how they see the world.

Sometimes the topic/fact is just the way it is, it is not a character attack or any sort of blaming but because of the inherit attachment, there’s no way the topic can be presented without it ever being non-‘personal’.

Sometimes, there’s no way that any words or angles could soft blow plain truth.

But in this video I learnt a nugget of gold.

Empathy:
1. Listen first and listen fully
2. Validate the emotion to stabilise it
3. Once stabilised, then only provide the solution/present truth

[MrRager]

The true test of growth is to rediscover your inner child with all of your adult knowledge and traumas. That doesn't mean to literally be childish. It just means it's unsustainable to not have a childlike quality in your mind and in your behavior. There's too many legitimate reasons to be unhappy. If you saw it all at once you'd cripple your ability to be productive. (INTJ)

[kellikakes]

I truly appreciate the INTENTIONAL work you are putting into deeply understanding how us feelers are and how we operate (particularly from a high Thinker type).

For the practical people out there, learning how to be more empathetic could help most work-related matters (and familial) in order to get you to your desired goals.

It doesn't make much sense to my Thinker friends/ family that I can't get things done well or 'think straight' if my feelings are hurt/bothersome. Simply letting us get it out and just listening can make *US* EFFECTIVELY move forward on things.
So try your best to listen, Thinkers!! ( it's a good and nice "trick" 😄)

And maybe you could say something like, "Wow I hear you" or "man sorry you're going through this." (Add some supporting dialogue).
Then say (if it applies), "Is there any way I can help you with this situation?" (If they're not a user). And then that let's the Thinkers have a chance to *DO* something and the other person feels better as well. Win win!
(Note: even if they say "No, there's nothing you can do, " the mere fact that you listened counts as doing something, just in case you feel useless. I promise!).
Once person has calmed from situation, gently apply your typical/ usual suggestions.
Believe it or not, I can sometimes forget these things dealing with my friends, when I get into my NeTe (skipping that Fi), just making suggestions and not truly making them feel heard (I catch myself eventually and quickly go the empathetic route).
Sorry didn't mean to ramble. Way too long lol. Being concise is NOT my strong point haha! Thank you for your videos! And happy holidays!

[AnneHynynen]

It's so interesting that I am an INTJ and I'm big on empathy! Maybe it's because psychology was one of my main interests growing up. I kept reading psychological books since I was so fascinated by the topic. It's still true that I used to be more selfish years ago and I didn't quite know how to externalize my empathy. I was more focused on myself. However, I recently had a few very emotional years in my life - which of course was a great shock to me being an INTJ! It lead to an identity crisis, but I got through it. Now, I'm better and more open about my empathy towards other people. I've almost become like an INFJ! Still, my mind tends to go to a problem-solving mode when I listen to other people etc. I'm like an INFJ in an INTJ's body! 😂 In fact, I'm still an INTJ, after all. And I've dealt with issues in my life like an INTJ would also in these past years. I've been functional and accomplished one goal after another. Still, I've recently become interested in my own personality type again since I need to balance and ground myself after the emotional rollercoaster I've been through. I need to remind myself of the positive EQ qualities that INTJs naturally have. It's time to be a bit more selfish again, and get my life to the next level! It's best for everyone!

[okay_art]

Thank you for making these videos Jon. You are the first person to make sense of what it’s like to be an INTJ and I’ve come to recognize some of my strengths and weaknesses through the videos you make. You’re the first person that has really made me feel understood. Thank you. Sincerely, an INTJ.

[The-Labbed-Life]

Hi Jon! Again a masterclass of a video. As an INTJ woman, I also learned about emotional intelligence the hard way. The number of times I was a jerk without realizing is a lot...🤐 Personally, I learned a lot from my friends and my mom who are feelers. After observing how they handle people and how they feel their emotions, I was able to understand a bit and improve. It's really last year when I decided to be better at Social Skills and EQ that I improved much more in a conscious way. I used to go every week for months to an Emotional Awareness group with a coach who was teaching it (She was INFP)
Most of the people there were Feelers and I was really blown away by their personal thoughts, it was really overwhelming and I was so lost. Since they were opened to debate, I was able to honestly ask questions and try to understand without having people being offended. I was the only Thinker many times and it was very draining afterwards but I'm happy I did it.
It's funny cause one of the girl even compared me to Wednesday from the TV show with my way of telling things. How many times they just laughed because I was too blunt at something and I didn't realize it. 😬

So if you have the opportunity to try that in your city, I would recommend it as a fellow INTJ. It's even better since you get to practice with strangers. But be careful cause it's very draining so you should be ready for this and have only that for the day.

The coach there used to teach EQ mostly from this book: Permission to Feel by Marc Brackett
Maybe you can check that one if you don't know.



Also, to share from my experience. First, you're right about being a good listener. Most of the time, people just want to be heard and share what they're thinking and feeling to get it out. If you want to respond, there is 2 options depending on the person:

1) If you know them, you probably know what kind of reaction they expect from you. So be ready to provide that for their own sake. Maybe just listening, or a hug or help them find a solution. You should also know how they prefer to be talked too. For example, I prefer the Goggins way too but it's not for everyone.

2) If you don't know the person enough or not sure, just ask them. Is that okay if I can give you an advice? and depending on how they are, provide something. It's also good to ask how they feel about the situation to make them think about the solution themselves. etc etc

Also, it's important to have boundaries. I always tellmy friends that if they expect the consoling type of an NFJ, it's not me at all. I will make effort for people I like but ther is a limit. I also am very clear about the ranting/complaining. I can hear it once or twice but if it's always the same disc all over again, then bye. It can be harsh but it's for my own sanity. And also don't want to waste time if the person didn't do anything to change their situation. Hope it helps!

I believe that Truth with Respect of the person's feelings is always a good thing.

Thanks for the reflection Jon :)

[SophieSjöholm]

This is crazy, i adore this. So freaking real.

[amandacoelho]

Im here for a while trying to elaborate a decent comment... Te way of empathize is often from a problem solving POV and for so long i didnt understand why people would get mad of me when "i was only trying to help! dont you want to solve this problem?!", I often times i need to restrain myself on entering the advisor mindset and just listen and somehow """validate""" the other people's feelings (never too condescending hahaha).
on the other hand, i think of myself as a tough person, but somehow people sometimes hurt my feelings like with a very pointy needle, right at the soft spot and it hurts so bad, and people get confused, "why are you so hurt??".
not to long myself so much, it is hard to understand other people's emotions, i feel like i'm always missing something that isnt there to see.

thanks for all the videos, 2023 was the year that found your channel and it has been a pleasure to follow your content!
I hope 2024 to be an amazing year for us all!

[QueenieZj]

Thank you Jon for making this video! As an INFJ, I love all the moments when an INTJ validates my emotion first, and then provides me with a viable solution that helps me fix the problem.

[khhagglund]

Woah! Your comment about INTJ's searching for answers in circumstances and childhood was so on point! When I because of reasons finally started to care about my emotions and tried to do something about my social interactions and comments like "you're always so hard to read", I eventually realised that's exactly how I treat them: you can't read me in the moment because I can't let something as erratic as feelings take the lead and I'm currently assessing how I feel, why I feel that way, how I should convey that emotion to properly mirror it and simultaneously stay whithin the realms of what is socially accepted, or if it's even necessary to convey it, or if me conveying them could reveal information that could be used against me, and how that would impact the recepient and hence myself again depending on it's response, and the list go on..! Or I simply subdue them to (hopefully) look at them later (during a walk or something) because the moment doesn't allow for such analysis and logic always prevails. When I stumbled upon similar cases whithin my interactions and realised that I've actually unconsciously done it prior in my life it really sent me down a rabbit hole searching for answers in my - you said it - childhood. Videos as yours often confirm or teach me something about myself, and it is often also small details as such, that make me feel seen and heard, and help me continue my journey from a very, very dark place and hopefully emerge as a better form of my INTJ self further down the road :) Thank you!

[medots]

This reminds me of the fact that sometimes, as I try to console the people in my life and try to hear them, I find myself jumping way too quickly to (Ni-Ti)ing a solution :') I feel like I hear only the tip of the iceberg of their emotions and quickly jump into the problem solving part... I fear that I make them unheard in this way, as I aspire to be a safe space for those around me. But it doesn't help that the culture I am in is very dry in terms of feelings, and them opening up is a very rare, once in a blue moon occurrence, and it almost feels like they regret opening up mid-way :') This video does inspire me to be more conscious in such circumstances. So as always, Thank you Jon :D

[jocelynleung]

As a feeler, I’ve come to appreciate the forms of caring that comes from thinkers. Yeah, it might sound cold and detached at first, but it’s always expressed through an action which could only be possibly motivated by caring and the willingness to expend mental energy in trying to solve your problem.

[kimtopology]

It takes a humble person to admit your weakness on line so yeah we all learn from trial and error that's where growth comes in I like the quote that we need to water our own grass so true .

[ChromaticTempest]

There are several books I've listened to that have helped my EQ to grow. If somebody wants proof that EQ is important, and I mean studies and numbers proof, Primal Leadership will give that proof. I'm sorry to say I needed the proof, needed to know EQ is a skill and a valuable one, in fact the most important skill for corporate business according to that book and all the studies it showcased. That's probably the hardest part for me, an Fi user, finding value in Fe. I have to remind myself continually.

[sathyath]

Yes, we don't get to choose how someone feels. Because it is actually their choice. So we can not be responsible for it.
We don't need to apologize for being an INTJ, as long as we have no intention of hurting someone's feeling. Of course, there's also no reason to use harsh or rude words just to emphasize something. People's feelings are theirs to answer to. As the saying goes, focus on what you can control. Not what you can't control. And other's feelings are theirs to control.

About EQ itself, theoretically speaking, consists of 4 aspects: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.
Self-awareness and self-management are the strength of Fi, while social awareness and relationship management are the strength of Fe.

So, unless they're someone you care about and really don't want to hurt unintentionally, then you can learn the Fe approach (which arguably shallow) with them. But then (again from logical standpoint) if they also care about you, then they should be the ones learn to accept and understand that there's no ill intention behind your action/words, and learn to stop taking everything personally. Because their feelings are again, theirs to control.
On the other hand, if they're a stranger who also don't care about you, there's even less reason to care about what they think and what they may feel? It is their responsibility to take care of themselves, as long as we don't have any ill intention toward anybody. Because in the end, no other person can hurt someone's feeling without their own permission.

Moral of the story: when an INTJ voicing out or externalizing their thinking, better also receive and respond it with rationality. Not emotions.

These whole clashes between Fi and Fe are what causing today's cancel culture, 'snowflake' generation, political propaganda using identity politics, and are the main point of exploit for manipulators and narcissists. Who, sometimes, are also the very people close to us or we care about, without them realizing it themselves.

In the end, although having more 'rounded' personality may sound ideal, it is not completely possible and wise to aim for in my opinion. Because Fi and Fe are conflicting to begin with (the more you use one, means the less you use the other). In other words, when you try to appeal to everyone, you're no one.

[shannapeterson]

LOVE David Goggins ! Thank you so much for this channel Jon ! As a 44yr old INTJ Female I greatly appreciate your videos and insight ! So happy I founbd you =D

[CosmicHoneyMotherShip]

It’s so rad to see you grow .. and share! ✨👏🏼✨ get it!

[epyonalpha]

Thanks for the video and wishing you a happy new year Jon!

While I don't have any recommendations on material, the one thing I think we can always strive to continue improving that boosts EQ is the act of listening to understand, instead of listening to respond. This is something that happens more often than we think, and can take some practice to recognize when you're doing the latter but once you start seeing it, there can be a lot of clues about what may be important to the other person that they may not even be aware of and how to steer toward an amicable resolution.

[mumm-ratheeverliving]

Definitely important to learn about those pesky blind spots. It’s a good reminder that you offer here. Have you tried looking at the literature on life coaching? I like to think of it as a toolkit for helping to work through the feelings. Still feels awkward or less genuine at times, and I think largely due to the fact that it’s not my natural tendency. As you note, however, things can change with practice and experiencing the rewards of success. Thanks for your words