One Key Question to Liberate Yourself From Childhood

The most fundamental idea at the heart of modern psychotherapy is that in order to heal ourselves from our neuroses in the present, we have to understand what went on in our childhoods.

FURTHER READING

The most fundamental idea at the heart of modern psychotherapy is that in order to heal ourselves from our neuroses in the present, we have to understand what went on in our childhoods.

Though this thesis makes impeccable theoretical sense, there is one enormous problem with it: amnesia. Simply put, almost no adult remembers a single thing that happened to them before they were three years old: countless days and nights, a succession of complicated moods, sensations and events will have vanished into thin air, like a library of precious books that is sent up in smoke or dumped unceremoniously into the sea. Furthermore, most of us remember very little of what went on before we were seven. This may seem like an obvious point, but it has momentous implications. A period that we’ve identified as extremely central is also going to be entirely nebulous…

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Na Na Na Studio

Title animation produced in collaboration with

Vale Productions

[yohaizilber]

“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.” - Carl Jung

[brandonf.]

See your parents as regular people like they see you. Especially when they display actions that show they don't know who you are. It takes away the illusion of what power you think they have and it makes it easier to move on. You can still love them but your life isn't determined by their thoughts.

[rosakdg]

I recently started to work as a kindergarten teacher. Not something I planned on or wanted to do. But this has turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Working with children has completely changed my life. It started subtle at the beginning. Everyday I was with them I was analyzing them, trying to understand how they looked at the world, what kind of impact different things, situations and people have on them. This gave me a chance to analyze myself, my beliefs, my fears (My life in general)Where they came from and what shaped them. I understand myself better. This has completely changed my life for good. I am much more happier in my life. They were the cure to my depression. I feel free, liberated and much more in peace with life

[valerie]

Unfortunately trauma and neglect is memorable, even from the age of four. Although you may forget a lot of your childhood, its the abuse and bullying that stays with you. That's been my life experience.

[ArchiduquesaMA]

A lot of people only talk about parents but school is the place where most people got traumatized

[mickadatwist]

I'm in no contact with "my parents". It took me years to get to this and it is worth it.

[SteveBonario]

The best book I have found on this is "Growing Up Again: Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children" by Jean Clarke. She outlines the developmental stages of growth from birth onward, what different styles of parenting look like during those stages, and the outcomes of those styles. It helped me see clearly what I missed, when, and why. This helped me focus on things like my inability to make decisions -- I saw that I was not given guidance on how to do this when I needed it most. Instead, my parents made decisions for me during the period when I needed to learn to make them myself -- the reasons they did don't really matter; what matters is that I was able to find the right lessons now, as an adult, to help me learn to make decisions (instead of the coping mechanisms I used because adult-level decision-making used to leave me incredibly anxious).

[dottiebaker]

All this sounds wonderful and you might think this solution would be quick. It's not. Both I and my partner have done this work our whole adult lives and, after more than 70 years, we still have stuff from our childhoods that affects our present. Just being aware of what happened doesn't make it go away. You have to actually let it go. And because your childhood traumas are physically part of you, this can't been completed by just using your brain. You have to experience it in your entire body.

[Ryan-xhpe]

understanding your child hood is key to being able to move on towards adulthood, i’m in the process of it right now and it definitely feels weird to have more of an understanding of myself but it feels so good too. just like the video said you will feel so liberated in the present and that’s so important.

hope everyone that reads this is able to be better than their parents while still remaining kind and courteous.

[peteclarke]

I vividly remember my mom giving me baths in the kitchen sink. I would grab the faucet and move it back and forth. I felt so happy being so tiny and being cared for. The sunshine coming in through the window in the trailer made me happy too.

[liasky]

I have always been aware of the neglect and abuse I experienced as a child. I cried a lot at the unfairness of it. I begged my mother to be kind to me. This awareness and knowledge does not help me. My life is still painful, I am still very much fearful of others criticism. Intellectually I understand the mechanism that drives my unhappiness. But I don't have the skills or vision to escape my false, installed in me by my caregivers, beliefs.

[roshnai]

I am so glad Mr. Alain de Botton's voice is back. The videos were just not the same without his soothing voice.

[hritiksingh]

Finally! It's so good to hear your voice again, Alain. I was a little concerned about you. So happy to know that you are back! 😄❤️

[lifebeelifebee]

Like many others, my own childhood was traumatic. I am 60 now, and for the first time only this year I started remembering my childhood as a happy one, in spite of hardships. I close my eyes, and recall everything good that happened.
If before my childhood was like one black hole with no good memories, now it is mostly positive memories. I try to recall all the good people who I met and who helped me, all the friends, street plays, etc. and as for bad memories - accept what happened and forgive those who were involved in a negative way. I found this being so liberating and even joyful.

[libbylandscape]

I clearly remember things from when I was a toddler and before I could walk, these memories are clear and have never changed in 70 years.

[michaelback]

It's so nice to have Alain narrate videos again.

[theexsalted]

Looking back, i realised where all my fears came from, fears of failure, fears of abandonment, fears of humiliation.
I'm still working through them but it has helped me quite a bit. Once you begin to acknowledge your fears and its origins, you begin to look inside and ask why it happened. Hope this helps.

[julys]

I remember my childhood since I was almost four, I remember all the pain and tears my caretakers caused me, i remember happiness too from things. That happiness never came from people and I just realized about it now as I’m taping this.

[nachobellgrande]

I've cried so much recently thinking about how what I went through as a kid affects me today and the way I live and how relationships with other people go

[mitchelldunaway]

I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the claim that because we fear something, there must have been a root cause in our childhood. I may be afraid of dark places, but that doesn't necessarily mean I was locked in a dark closet as a child. Be careful with being too certain of something. Do not convince yourself that there must be some repressed memories of abuse just because you are afraid of something. Being afraid of harm is natural and is a survival instinct. That being said, introspection is definitely valuable and exploring hard feelings is worth while.