How to succeed as a step family. A psychologist explains | Psychlopaedia

Psychologist James Bray on how to survive the high-stress first year of step parenting and establish a well-adjusted family that works for adults and children.

[Megadeadpeople]

I’m(33m) starting to see a woman who’s divorced with a kid, and as a childless man who grew up in a stressful/awkward divorce, she doesn’t know how stoked I am to not only meet the little guy, but be a healthy, positive, and strong role model for him. I’ve been told by her that it’s hard to find a man that’s willing to take her life on, but I love a challenge. Most of your points are things I’ve experienced, so I feel ready. Thanks for posting this!

[geanfernandez]

Listening to this… reminds me how hard & how bad it sucks to be the step parent & being the one giving it all & providing … & still being picked last. It will sound bad to say.. dont ever be a step parent. But that would be my best advice to anyone

[Zazezoo]

Yes, you are right. When the mum
Is independent, and the step father is not involved, the kids are very well adjusted but still miss out on that father figure. Especially when they don’t have any other male figure in their lives. It’s very sad when the mother can’t get support with her children from her husband. Just defeats the purpose of marriage, as when his biological kids come
Along, will he be more involved and treat them better than the step kids?
My dad is a super dad, he raised us on his own without support! We are not his biological kids but when our mum passed away, he stepped up and still loves us unconditionally!
He’s a hero and it’s our time to take care of him!!!

[Firedemon]

I am in the role of step-mom. I am a huge psychology fan, I read the studies, textbooks, listen to podcasts, watch documentaries. I focused on Child Psychology.

I knew going into it to be a support to their father, his parenting, that I was to be more along the lines of the kids friend. An ear to listen, give advice, be there to support their growth. That I am not their mother and never will be. They have one, and I had no intentions of intruding. I had a firm grasp that my spouse and I would need time for ourselves also and that no matter what we needed to be a united front. Never badmouth, insult, YadaYada, you all know, be decent people and respectful.

I was NOT prepared. I thought I was walking into a well run family with rules, communication, strong bonds, quality time, teaching moments, loved and well-rounded. Not a good relationship with the ex but a limited contact one that followed their court custody agreement and both parties putting the kids first. Nope. Nope. Not even close.

Wtf am I doing now? Building bonds with these hellions as fast as I can so I can parent them effectively. You know what is next to impossible to accomplish in the first year? That.

I have all the roles. I'm the confidante, rule maker, disciplinary, fun having, teacher, etiquette instructor, nutritionist, role model, evil step-mom, best step-mom, accidentally "mom", go-to for love.

And I have a dog, a cat, and myself to take care of.

I'm in couples counseling with my spouse, trying to get their Mom into co-parenting classes/mediation, get the oldest kid a psych evaluation and therapy. I do not have the skills for all this, nor do I have the energy.

I was not prepared, and can not find material to help or give a semblance of guidance. The book was not written for such a broken family.

Part of me is glad I was the one to step into this family, the other part of me... is exhausted

[richricogranada]

I’m older and childless, have no drama, and will remarry only a childless man as I can’t stand the family drama. No thank you! Peace is precious to me.

[elizabetha]

My boyfriend and I are expecting a baby, we’re super excited. With that being said he has two small children, I really want to be the best step parent I can be, I had a step mother growing up and it was awful!!! I definitely want to be the opposite of everything I had to go through, I just hope I can succeed! I really look forward to us all being a family. As a first time mom and step parent I really don’t know what I’m doing/ signing up for but I’m looking on the bright side of things!!!

[jeanmendez]

Pair with someone with as much common as you, you have kids, maybe pair with another that has kids, you have no kids, get with a partner with no kids, that’s my best advice, and what ever happens, it’s always hard

[BlendedLife]

It is so sad that second marriages have such a huge failure rate! We should have learned from our mistakes! Our goal is to change that statistic! Thanks for putting this professional information out there for all of us blended family lifers to learn from!

[angelmossucco]

Your advice and explanations are excellent and if adhered to can help many people. The adults need always to BE the adults. Marriage and divorce per se are irrelevant to a child's well-being.
It's love and living for the best interest of the children that matters, married, divorced, or remarried.

[sproket]

I have no idea what to do anymore.
I scream instead daily

[investingarellanos]

Wish I would’ve heard this 7 years ago

[catherineschulzke]

Last word of advice: Don’t be afraid to “step” out there…. 😂

[melabelle]

How does a step parent not feel like a “ tattle tale” reporting to the other parent?

[BarnabyBarry]

My adopted step daughter recently told me “my dad” (referring to her bio dad) hurtful at first-then I let it go-sometimes truth hurts!

[hienienguyen]

yes this is what i am dealing with now. my son has his real father and then he has kids. this really is tough. I am very open-minded and try to do what i can for each side. I don't want anything that is defensive. it can be very challenging. you have to do what you can to adjust for kids to be open and understanding. showing empathy is very important and knowing what to say and how to say it.

[shanks]

Thank you. Wonderful and insightful. ❤

[TXRoeJogan]

Such great insight for a stepfather with no biological children. I’ve not been the most patient and understanding stepdad feel like I could’ve done a lot better.😢

[Northsouthdnmguy]

Great video and info. Things are difficult when you can't fit your new marriage into either the Neo-traditional, Matriarchal or Romantic. Really difficult as the step dad when she "wants" the Neo but there is no parenting plan or urge do do one on her part. Super strong willed mother(matriarchal) wants to do all the parenting but then gets overwhelmed and doesn't know how to ask for help or give up control for help. Wants me to be more involved relationship wise with the step-kids but doesn't understand in a father role there needs to be things in place or movement towards these things for me to want to be more involved. And last but not least certainly unrealistic the step kids and my relationship is going to be a certain way and if it is not its my fault...Not all bad things in our marriage but it is difficult when you can't come together on how things should proceed. I should "just love her kids" and have the relationship with them that she thinks we should have and that will make everything ok. Unfortunately that will not solve all the other issues and leaves out what my thoughts are and what I think my role should be...

[aaronwest]

This just sounds like tips on how to softly crash land a plane. If you had it your way you would never be with someone with kids. I get you can make it an easier transition but nobody wants this as their first option. If you say you do you’re lying to yourself.

[FS]

Pooling your money together means disinheriting your own kids and having your money go to someone elses children! Fact. My dad remarried after we hit 40 and we lost all our family heirlooms 200 years old items, our inheritance, stepmom changed the will left everything to her own children pawned out heirlooms and threw out all our childhood photos, then she remarried and moved on! We kids were left grieving years later all for what sex?