Infidelity and the Midlife Crisis

Samuel discusses a controversial topic: the midlife crisis and infidelity.

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HEAL with Affair Recovery:

[martyedwards]

My husband left after 25 years. He's 55 and has all the signs of mid life crisis, though not an excuse for his behavior.. He blames me for his leaving, I'm toxic, etc.... and his new "friend" & his family are enabling his victim hood. I'm not saying I didn't contribute to our problems, but he is not a victim. And I know she only hears his side, but it really makes me frustrated. I have forgiven him for multiple affairs and we have had counseling and now everything is my fault and he just gave up and walked away. He wasn't man enough to talk to me about his issues, he just threw me away. I feel like an old dog that's been dumped on the side of the road, no longer cared for. My wish would have been to get help if I had seen this coming. May be too late now. Praying God to speak to his heart and not give up on us.

[deborahlee]

It's very rare for someone to make it through a mid life crisis without having an affair because the affair partner is merely a symptom of what is wrong with the person in crisis. The affair partner also is someone who is just as broken if not more than the person in crisis. No one with self respect uses someone like they do. The affair is more like an addiction to how that person is making them feel. It has nothing to do with what real love is. Depression is also felt through out the whole crisis. How long it last will be totally up to the person going through.

[tree]

I've listened to your videos, read everything I can find on how to approach my husband when I have a question. The conversation always ends with him getting angry and throwing the blame on me for his affair. This last time ended with me getting cussed at, yelled at accused of being to blame. I asked would he seek help with me. NO, he said. I asked don't you think our marriage is worth saving? The next words out of his mouth were the kill shot. He said I'm starting to believe it's not. I have a strong reason to believe he is still seeing his A.P. I can't heal and it's worse now than ever. Later he claimed not to remember saying that and said I was making it up. It's a very cruel thing to say and I give up. There's too much coldness in his heart. 42 years and he doesn't care. I'm heartbroken more than before. I'm so very broken and paralyzed with grief.

[KS-vvhn]

Not a crisis, an excuse for sin.
An excuse for selfishness.

[evej]

I know he will do it again (unless he gets help) although he really doesn't want to. I am no longer jealous. I feel sorry for him, it's actually very pitiful. I have found a counsellor and he either must go or I'm gone. It is self preservation.

[thinkingkingdommedia]

We’ve both had affairs and I would like you to speak on how difficult it is for both spouses to work through recovery. Your videos have brought us to through to ground zero at least and we’re building and are both committed to restoration. We’re 6 months past D day.

[ivydune]

If you have an affair for one or two night stands, you can use the "it was a midlife crisis" (not that is acceptable). But if you keep the affair longer than a month...you're just a selfish coward who wants to have the maid at home and the fresh meat outside. A guy that cheats on his wife for a year had plenty of time to reflect about his life, his choices and to make a decision. One or the other. The other thing is that they always want to go back to the age they were free or happy for the last time. If you had a child at 25, now you're 50, you want to date a 25 year old girl that makes you feel again like 25, before having the child/responsibilty.

[lakelady]

Husband had affair after 22 yrs of marriage. He was my first and only love. Struggling to forgive one year out. My kids and I were abandoned for 6 months, he proposed to AF and I was dismissed from clinical rotation 2 wks b4 graduation. I’m not sure than I can find the forgiveness to reconcile. How much time should I allow before deciding there’s “too much water under the bridge”?

[gamingwithchildren]

You described my unfaithful husband exactly, except he's still in the middle of it and refuses to consider what his actions did to me and his children. He says he's doing it "his way", with no professional help, no full disclosure (he still works with his affair partner and refuses to change jobs) yet tells me I should "watch" and see his improvement. After almost a year of trying to draw boundaries, being willing to go to counseling, etc., I finally said enough and I'm moving on. I feel bad for him, because his world is imploding around him and he is incapable of taking any action to change it.

[amandaboyer]

We are almost 1 year in from Dday I have questioned midlife crisis or something else. I have considered divorce but keep telling myself "midlife crisis" we are in our late 30's and have been together for almost 22 years! He keeps saying he wants to work things out.but refuses to give up his affair partner. He says he needs a "clean break" in order to leave her. He has often mentioned "midlife crisis " as a reason or excuse for the affair.

[nikkiallen]

Suzee2 “But it’s mine” no, don’t agree. Your marriage is not just yours. It is both you & your husband’s. Transparency has to be to have truth. Truth in marriage builds trust. I hope you can have this bond. And begin healing and loving each other.

[robinpiccard]

I know my spouse had an emotional affair and probably physical as well. He wont disclose to me fully. He did then retracted his story. He continues contact with her and its breaking my heart. I believe it's a midlife crisis affair. I'm not sure what to do??

[mifasola]

I am a widowed woman of 64 and began an affair with my married medical professional. We went on to have a torrid, passionate relationship and I decided to end it because I knew it was dead end. He, 66 Years old was already having issues in his marriage of 24 years. He was badgered by his wife to go to counseling so knowing that, I ended it soon afterward because there was no way he could carry on with me and work on his problems. I broke my own heart by getting involved knowing it would end this way. I went into counseling myself and will need to work on how to stay away from bad relationships.

[charleshurstreinvention]

The infidelity is just a backlash for what is lacking from within. My topic for my own subscribers this week. So maybe you're at midlife, maybe younger or even mid twenties and you feel you didn't get what you wanted. You look at someone like Stephen King and suddenly you feel poorly about yourself. Don't. Two mindsets to take here. First, most people don't get everything they wanted--they may get a lot, but not everything. Most talented actors or other artists won't make the big screen. But you evaluate what you did get. Maybe family, maybe you did get to that suburb or maybe your job is getting to help people. But maybe that didn't get you to the Bill Gates level. So what? Everyone has there own path to walk. And guess what, Bill Gates and King didn't get everything either. Stephen King has trouble walking because he got run down by a truck decades ago. See? Second point. There is still time. There are many things I can't do now due to age. Can't join the Marines or become an FBI agent. Can't try again at pro thai kickboxing. But I can travel. I can hike. I can see the world. I can keep writing books and keep plugging that vlog. What is left greatly outnumbers what I didn't get and now can't get. That is the take home point--at thirty, at eighty. Hope this helps someone out there---Charles.

[bibiroberts]

I left my marriage due to my husbands multiple affairs. It is nearly 3 years. I still deal with everything. So as u say, it is quite possible he might go back to his last lover. They work together. She was probably the one he actually fell for.

[allaboutsmilen]

Hi Samuel, how do we personally get in touch with you for help?

[jessicaramos]

I have a question, what if you have told your partner you were unfaithful and certain specifics but they don’t want to know anymore. Can you heal if your spouse feels they do not need to know more that it only hinders their healing?

[dans]

My latest crisis is missing my midlife crisis.

[laurie]

When you talk about expert help for the unfaithful is needed to What do you mean by that? I have read some articles and watched some of your videos dealing with being cautious of marriage counselors as they may not have saving the marriage as a goal. Some of the things that were said in our sessions were exactly the red flags in the articles and videos that I saw. This is very scary. Who can we trust with our lives? I know we can not do it alone.

[aprilmurray]

@ 9:49, you said deceived describing the unfaithfuls. Who deceived them?