how I rebuilt my life - invisible illness and healing

How I rebuilt my life after invisible illness - recovery and healing

I’m so happy to share that my book - The Cottage Fairy Companion - is now available!

You can read my story below these links ⬇️

Thank you deeply for all your support, it is much appreciated.

My Story ⬇️
When I was fourteen, I remember waking up one day feeling like someone different from myself. I wasn’t looking forward to the day (as I always was), in fact I was suddenly anxious and felt like bursting into tears at the thought of facing the world, which seemed hostile and overwhelming. Instead of my usual high energy I felt flat, listless, and immobile. I assumed I was just unusually tired and dragged myself out of bed. What I didn’t know that this was the beginning of a decade long rollercoaster of emotional highs and depressive lows on a weekly basis.

Unfortunately, due to some unaware comments from strangers, I believed it was simply a part of being female, which was an incredibly damaging mentality that made me ashamed of my identity. Sadly, my teenage self made it a mission to hide everything I felt, afraid it would upset those around me and make me seem ‘hysterical’ and not worth anyones time.
(The #1 reason I wanted to share this story is to combat the weight of shame that we may put ourselves when we are struggling with an invisible issue, and to motivate others to seek help if they need it. I also wish to share this in writing, since it can be difficult to talk about to a camera).

The years passed and I managed as best I could, thankful for a supportive family that helped me learn to cope and comforted me when I struggled. But as an adult, with the added strain of university and work, I became desperate for help. I self medicated in many unhealthy ways. This led to me become quite sick, the repercussions of which would haunt me years later.

I had many conversations regarding how I felt with doctors, but a solution was difficult to find. Then, thank goodness, I met with a female doctor with the same condition as I. She informed me that it was a textbook case of PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder).
This is a disorder that can range from mild to severe, and I was on the extreme end - having developed quite destructive behaviors trying to handle the changes in my body every month. We found a treatment that helped me feel emotionally stable for the first time in many years.

It was cathartic to experience a month without these extreme feelings, instead I was able to endure a more manageable range of emotions. But after establishing a foundation, I had to continue working on cultivating peace in my daily life. I had to learn to take the good and bad days as they came, without being overwhelmed by fear that somehow I’ll lose the progress I’ve made. Recovery brought me closer to my spirituality and the natural world. Due to my type of disorder, I found great solace in aligning myself with the cycles of nature, and removing the shame associated with the cycle of my own body. Cycles are everywhere, most visible in the seasons and phases of the moon, and becoming aware of these things brought healing.

I hope this video helps support all those who have or still are dealing with the weight of grief, melancholy, or are struggling in any way. Not all illness is visible, and I am thankful to live in world were these conversations are happening.

Artlist Specific License
*****Featuring a beautiful waltz by artist Yoav IIan*****
License Number - 578124 License owner - Rohan B. Merrill

Additional music found at @
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[odetoneptune]

I am a 16 year old girl that deals with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression. Your videos bring me a sense of peace. A reminder that I won't be stuck within my darkest feelings forever. A reminder that my life is forever changing and that is good. Thank you for being a reminder.

[Altusiam]

This video quality is something else, I feel like I got sucked into a Ghibli film - so beautiful!!

[danabuck]

As a 58 year old woman, I envy the courage and strength you have found. I spent far too many years living for the approval of others. Thank you so much for this inspiration.

[ariana.billett]

"For a long time I mourned the loss of a little girl, who was happy; and believed in a bright future. I thought she had been forgotten, in the process of growing up."
That brought tears to my eyes. 💔 That is deep. I was totally not expecting it, and it punched me in the chest.

[acrosstheboardcinema]

Author Tom Robbins sums up one of his novels with:
It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.

[TheCottageFairy]

My Story ⬇️
When I was fourteen, I remember waking up one day feeling like someone different from myself. I wasn’t looking forward to the day (as I always was), in fact I was suddenly anxious and felt like bursting into tears at the thought of facing the world, which seemed hostile and overwhelming. Instead of my usual high energy I felt flat, listless, and immobile. I assumed I was just unusually tired and dragged myself out of bed. What I didn’t know that this was the beginning of a decade long rollercoaster of emotional highs and depressive lows on a weekly basis.

Unfortunately, due to some unaware comments from strangers, I believed it was simply a part of being female, which was an incredibly damaging mentality that made me ashamed of my identity. Sadly, my teenage self made it a mission to hide everything I felt, afraid it would upset those around me.

(The #1 reason I wanted to share this story is to combat the weight of shame that we may put on ourselves when we are struggling with an invisible issue, and to motivate others to seek help if they need it. I also wish to share this in writing, since it can be difficult to talk about to a camera).

The years passed and I managed as best I could, thankful for a supportive family that helped me learn to cope and comforted me when I struggled. But as an adult, with the added strain of university and work, I became desperate for help. I self medicated in many unhealthy ways. This led to me become quite sick, the repercussions of which would haunt me years later.

I had many conversations regarding how I felt with doctors, but a solution was difficult to find. Then, thank goodness, I met with a female doctor with the same condition as I. She informed me that it was a textbook case of PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder, not PMS).
This is a disorder that can range from mild to severe, and I was on the extreme end - having developed quite destructive behaviors trying to handle the changes in my body every month. We found a treatment that helped me feel emotionally stable for the first time in many years.

It was cathartic to experience a month without these extreme feelings, instead I was able to endure a more manageable range of emotions. But after establishing a foundation, I had to continue working on cultivating peace in my daily life. I had to learn to take the good and bad days as they came, without being overwhelmed by fear that somehow I’ll lose the progress I’ve made. Recovery brought me closer to my spirituality and the natural world. Due to my type of disorder, I found great solace in aligning myself with the cycles of nature, and removing the shame associated with the cycle of my own body. Cycles are everywhere, most visible in the seasons and phases of the moon, and becoming aware of these things brought healing.

I hope this video helps support all those who have or still are dealing with the weight of grief, melancholy, or are struggling in any way. Not all illness is visible, and, of course, not all sadness is illness. Phases of negative emotions are a natural part of life. But sometimes we need help, and sometimes those emotions go beyond feeling temporarily down, and can severely affect our ability to thrive. I am thankful to live in world were these conversations are happening.

I appreciate everyone being respectful of each other in the comments. As much as we try we cannot always understand someone else and how they experience the world. We can disagree with them, and believe that the feelings they express do not align with our own beliefs. But we can be compassionate and open to the fact that unless we can walk in another persons shoes, we should be careful to make assumptions about their life 🤍 thank you

Learn more about PMDD:


(I do not support all suppositions made in these articles, they are simply meant to provide information and theories)

[jlwa]

No matter our age, we all need a good rebuild. I come here every Wednesday for a bit of peace. Along with the wonderful art work that brings a smile to my day when I pass it. The important part is knowing that nobody has to walk alone on their journey.

[amyshomesteadanimals]

I struggled with anxiety and depression until I followed my bliss. I now live on a homestead and grow and prepare my families' foods, surrounded by animals and nature. It makes my soul sing.❤

[russellphillips]

I'm a 20 year old and I feel trapped in almost every aspect of my life, and unable to make the changes for myself that I need, but your videos and messages invite a feeling of freedom and expression, and truly inspire me. Thank you 💛

[benerandamyrthong]

"We are living memorials of what we have lost." This line, for someone like me whose innerchild was badly wounded when I was so young, and whose eyes bore witnessed to the darker side of our world when they were too afraid to even know what it actually is, can have a profound effect now 20 years later. Thankyou Paola for instilling inside us the wisdom to knos that our inner child needs us most, now than ever ❤

[earthgrazer]

You made me cry but the tears came from a place of comfort. I'm 22 and in the process of rebuilding the 'wounds of my foundation.' Thanks for sharing your story. I'm a hypersensitive person and the world constantly overwhelms me but people like you inspire me to carry on.

[maybee...]

A day of beauty peace and love, what does that look like?
I remember a day when the clouds broke and the sun filled the kitchen, my mother stood me on a chair where the sun's rays filled the tiny space and I was allowed to wash the dishes, the water was warm, I could see the bottom of the sink through the water and the bubbles. That was a happy moment.
I was very young then, and ever since I have been in search of warm sunny places.

[mycrazylifekristintaylor]

When you get way further down the road..after births..deaths...joys and sorrows you will find yourself in a wonderful place. You will look back and see how each devastating loss and incredible joy has not only guided your course...but it has carved a path for others to follow. So many people are so lost and lonely... They feel separate from God's love and find no source of joy. So you are here for them. You remind me of myself 40 years ago...and I smile knowing that your creative genius needs the highs and lows to keep you moving forward.
These gifts you give us each week...you cannot possibly know the impact they have because of your beautiful humble and tender heart. But I truly thank God that you are there sharing a life that truly is thankful, generous and kind. I just love u and always look forward to Wednesday's. You are a treasure. Kristin

[joannebrown]

So many of us struggle with invisible illnesses that affect our emotional well-being, and most of us just go about trying to pretend that we are fine. Thanks for sharing.

[sinraqv]

as an 11-year-old, I feel so much joy watching you. I sometimes need a break from this world and just need peace. I've been watching you whenever I'm sad and i just get happy :, ))

[justme-uwbz]

I think it's normal to feel ups and downs.
THAT DOG PUT AN INSTANT SMILE ON MY FACE, I LOVE HIM.

[justujuesubhenau]

At the of age 49, I'm still struggling to rebuild myself. Although as time passes it has become more and more difficult to overcome with our short comings but I am absolutely determined to do this...🌹 from Pakistan

[thv]

If anything, this is how I've always pictured my ideal life. Walking amidst in flower fields in a comfy sundress, sitting nearby a lake or river, paint/draw/write, feeling the breeze on my face with the aroma of flowers it brings along, listening to birds chirping, my husband sitting next to me while We watch our daughter and pug playing.

[kennethruley]

My father passed away last month, and sadness and regret are with me every day. But every day is a little better than the last. Greif is strange thing. I never know how or when it will show up. Your lovely videos bring me joy, and I am so grateful for that. Thank you.

[Patti-]

I am a survivor of an abusive, chaotic childhood. It took many years and some great doctors, but I did finally find peace and contentment. This doesn't mean I will be blissfully happy everyday, but that I am able to find a balance in life. To me, that is the key word, balance. This is what i gleaned from this video.❤️